Monday 25 July 2011

Costco cuntiness

This weekend was quite unexpectedly full of fighting fireworks. I haven’t had a good fight for a while, well, not the kind where I can rip the shit out of someone who really deserves it anyway. I get very little chance to fight with anyone apart from Ryota these days and it’s funny because I hate fighting with Ryota, or people I know and love, but I actually like a bit of a good fight with a random stranger that really pisses me off.

And Sunday was the perfect situation; I was cool, calm and very fucking angry by the end of it. I was shaking uncontrollably a few minutes after, the pure adrenalin was amazing!

So… I should preface the story by saying I actually feel the guy I fought with’s pain. I HATE Costco on a good day: the massive carts, bewildered shoppers and crowds of people fighting to get a sample of meat annoy me no end. It’s even worse on a weekend and Ryota and I often comment to each other (quietly mind you) how annoying the person in front of us is when they randomly fucking stop with their huge trolley and contemplate life for a few minutes while the rest of us poor fuckers behind can’t move anywhere. So I could understand people getting a bit agro on a hot Sunday in Costco, hell I was annoyed myself with the hoards of Obachans shouting “Yassssuuuuuiiii naaaaa!!!!” (It’s cheap isn’t it?!) and “Oooooookkkkkiiiiii naaaaaa” (Wow this is fucking huge!) but there are certain ways to vent this frustration, and certain people to vent it to, and certain languages to do it in.

Putting it plainly, Ryota and I are not to be fucked with.

Despite my usually placid exterior if I’m baited appropriately I will rip into someone with no mercy, it’s a trait I’ve picked up from my Dad and I have a pretty good control over it so I’m actually glad I have the balls to stand up for myself when push comes to shove.
Ryota on the other hand is definitely not to be fucked with, he was a bit of a bad boy in his day and is not afraid to punch the shit out of, well, anyone. I discovered this when he almost beat the crap out of the slightly mental boy who flashed his cock at me! Plus, Ryota is bigger than most J-guys and could have easily snapped the Costco guy in half, I’m glad he didn’t, but he was damn close!

So by some unfortunate twist of fate, we ended up going to Costco twice on Sunday (long, boring story about a BBQ being on, then off, then on again), the first time was quite nice, the place had just opened so parking was easy and there weren’t that many people there to make traffic jams, we got our stuff and left. The second time was not as nice, parking was a nightmare, it was the middle of the day, and every fucker was jammed in there inching their carts at snails pace. Still, we’d got what we needed (shitloads of meat basically!) and were headed down the main middle aisle to the check-outs. As we were making our way very slowly down, a kid, I don’t know, maybe about 10 or 11 was clumsily pushing his cart in front of us and was making a major fuck up, but it was a kid, so Ryota and I stopped and waited for him to go, although there were a million other fuckers in front of the kid, so he couldn’t really go that fast.

We’d been stopped for about 5 seconds and I hear an obnoxious, heavily Japanese accented voice booming behind me saying “GO! GO! GO!” Now, at first, I thought it might have been a father to his kid, I actually didn’t click that it may have been directed at me, but the voice was angry and indignant so I turned around to see the cunt behind me again say “GO!!”

Now, I was fucking pissed off already. Who the fuck did this fucker think he was to a) DARE say “GO” to me!? b) To say it in English made things a million fucking times worse, if he’d said it in Japanese it could have been directed to the general crowd but it was only directed at me in English.
I turned to Ryota and said “Is he really talking to me?” To which the guy made a fucking gesture to move and that’s when Ryota and I both knew it was on.

Ryota’s head is like a big pot when he gets angry, his head boils and he goes a deep crimson red, scrunches up his face and puts on this low, angry growl. It’s never been used on me but I’d be fucking scared if it was. So at this point I didn’t say much but Ryota said “What the fuck man?” in Japanese and the guy said something to the effect of “I want to get through” and we were moving by that point so Ryota said “Fuck you baldy” AND THEN the guy had the fucking nerve to say “Ohh fuck you!” Like he knew how to speak English, I caught the fucker out on this later, but the guy was PISSED because Ryota and I were laughing at him. So the general crowd started moving and we got separated from the guy but I was a little disappointed in myself for not saying more.

And then I got my chance!

Costco has the big aisles that everyone moves round right so it was only natural we’d run into him again, and we did, not one minute after the first encounter. This time I looked him right in the eye and gave him my most gutter Japanese “What fucker!?” I could, and he took the bait, he abandoned his cart and embarrassed wife, and led Ryota over to a quiet aisle making empty threats and getting his mobile phone out saying he was calling his senpai. Stupid fucking cunt.
And this was my big chance, Ryota was close to hitting him at this point so I stepped forward and…

Me ( reasonably small voice- Japanese): What the hell, why did you say “GO!” to me??

Him: I wanted to move…

Me: Are you stupid?? It’s Sunday, nobody can move. There was a kid infront of us blocking our way!

Him: No, you were just stopped.

Me (Much louder voice, playing up to the crowd that had formed around us): No, you’re a fucking idiot. Don’t EVER say “GO!” to a gaijin again, most will punch you straight away. We’re in Japan, I can speak Japanese, you can’t speak English so don’t even fucking try. Did you just assume I couldn’t speak Japanese despite having a Japanese husband and son, despite actually being in Japan now??

Him: iya…gaijin dakara (No, it’s just… you’re a foreigner)

Me (In very loud English): Oh, you want to do this in English?! You fucking ugly, bald, shit for brains cunt? Go fuck your mother you blithering idiot!

Him: ……….

He turned back to Ryota then to play the senpai card (because he was older than Ryota) and he also wanted to know where we lived to which Ryota replied honestly, and turns out he’s from the city where we live! Which isn’t that much of a coincidence as it’s quite close to Costco, but still. This is where Ryota was a good quick thinker, the guy then immediately asked our name and while I was eyeing off the giant peanut butter jars to peg at his head Ryota had the coolness to give a fake name, and with complete confidence, like he was a proud 6th generation, he replied “Takeuchi”. If it was me I probably would have stumbled and said “Errr, our name is… errrrr Vinegar….Arrow….Mountain! or something equally fake sounding and ridiculous.

So they went at it for a few more minutes but it was really going nowhere and Ryota really was about to blow up so I urged him to keep moving as the cunt really wasn’t worth wasting any more time on, plus the twat actually apologized in the end, it was pretty half-arsed but there really was no way he could win the argument, there was no argument, just him being a fucking rude twat.

I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t have even given him the satisfaction of engaging with someone so far below me but I’m actually happy I got my point across, because that guy, despite still being a cunt, will never say anything to a gaijin again I’m positive, and this makes me very very happy!


  1. going to call his senpai? worst. threat. ever.

  2. Ok, I was just thinking about the outcome of a faceoff between Ryota and Chris, but I guess when it boils down to it, you're probably the one I'd least want to make enemies with! Let 'em have it!

  3. OMG I love what you said to that guy.
    No one should be polite to someone who is that rude.

  4. I love the going to call his sempai bit. Also, I really need to learn to swear in Japanese. We were complaining the other night that Japanese ppl only teach you the lame swear words.

  5. Big supermarkets make humans even worse than they are anyway. It's good that this guy got a good confrontation with you. It's gonna be good for him, you know, educational. Or so I always hope when I had sth like this.
    The adrenalin is the best thing evar, huh? xD

  6. Good for you. Remind me never to piss you or Ryota off. Mind you, I could always call my sempai! So nerr.

  7. You guys are such a power couple! Love how you tag teamed the prick!!

  8. wish I could 'like' GEG's comment there. Good work.

  9. Too bad you and Ryota couldn't have been there when my friend and i went to Burger King yesterday morning! I was there with my 1 non-Japanese friend and our 2 Japanese friends.. J-friends were ordering there food and me and other non-J were saving a table, and there was a crazy lady at the table behind us, mumbling angrily mostly to herself, but then she'd occasionally spit out a nasty angry word in our direction about "fucking gaijin" and whatnot. That was really the first hostility i'd witnessed first-hand towards foreigners since i've been here, and while laughing at her my blood was still boiling and i wanted so badly to yell something at her! But she did seem actually somewhat crazy, like she wasn't all there in her head, so we let it go.

  10. haha you guys are badass, most people would've just ignored him. love that you stand up for yourself. and ryota's ability to lie quickly under pressure is awesome. I can do it too, but my poor sisters are helpless in these situations -which sometimes gets me in trouble too, haha

  11. Awesome. Hopefully all of the onlookers also learned their lesson also. Pretty soon the word will be all around your town.

  12. eheheh... i loved that you and your man can bond over ripping into others. lol. that was a good story.

    i don't tend to blow my fuse at people very easily, but i DO fucking hate when people start babbling bad english at me even though i am obviously speaking to them in Japanese. i mean, i know my japanese is not great, but it's definitely better than 99% of all the j-people's english!

  13. Retail sucks, especially on weekends...

    "And Sunday was the perfect situation; I was cool, calm and very fucking angry by the end of it."

    The threat of calling in the help from above, from a senpai? Some people might say that's like a spoiled brat-child calling to mommy to sort out his business.

    One of the first times I can recall someone calling in his help from above (in the form of a very big and very scary brother) to sort out what was becoming a mess, big brother turned around and smacked his kid brother upside the head for being stupid.

    In paying respect to the title of this blog and keeping with the theme, I can see the wisdom in leaving things unfinished.

    "I was shaking uncontrollably a few minutes after, the pure adrenalin was amazing!"


  14. Well done! I can't believe the nerve of that guy...that's great you took a stand and showed him you can't be pushed around! And threatening calling his senpai? Give me a break!

    ~ Mel

  15. What a bloody tosser

  16. Yikes! Glad I'm here in the dull you-pee, eh! Been in a Costco once, While I hate big cities some things are quite a bit cheaper. Marquette is too big anymore.
    Costco meat? Now that is truely scary, since my wife is a meat cutter. Simply put, we don't buy much meat... most is free. 15% solution of WHAT? I live in the States so things are different.
    Anyhow... The guy was a jerk and needed to be called out on it. Glad you'se guys threw it back at him.

  17. I guess my physique acts as a natural deterrent against this kind of jolly encounters with the locals. Just the other day this kid standing in front of me threw his ciggie on the street, I tapped him on the shoulder and said "nii-san, ochite iru yo", he turned around to give me the WTF! but quickly realized he had to look up quite a bit to see me in the eye, apologized and picked up his trash. Peace prevails.

  18. "Like I'd need approval from an ageing, deluded cunt with half a brain cell, if he's lucky!
    If only we had a time machine to go back all those years and told your mother to get that abortion. Ah well, I'm sure you're obviously as insignificant in real life as you come across online so basically the same thing.
    I'm quite happy for you to come discuss things with me in person too, I'm sure I could take an old timer like you buddy. Then again, I doubt you'd have the mental capacity to board a train so best leave it petal."

    Since your buddy Chrissy the "badboy" has blocked me (but can't get me off of his mind, such as it is), I thought I'd address your comment here in your charming little blog.

    Corrine: You note that I am "ageing" (I am told by the google that spelling is British. I'm used to seeing "aging").

    Anyway: Do you imagine that dull-witted Ocker harpies don't age?

    And dearie: Now that I've seen you, I'll be looking for you for that little discussion, in which you share your deep insights on Japanese business, as you've gather from your stint at the Happy Flower English Academy or whatever the fuck it was: After all, my physical well being depends on it!

    And I'm just loving your prose style! You are "sure" that someone is "obviously" something? Literary gold!

    And what's this with you and ChrissyB the Batboy imagining that a sane individual would want to seek either of you out for in-person interaction? It's a safe bet that most everyone that has to deal with you IRL looks about for a way out of it
    before hand.

    I think getting knocked up and married was the best career move you've ever made. But the poor guy: hope your hubby has found someone to fuck who isn't ridiculous!

    Be sure to stay fucking stupid!


  19. long-time reader1 August 2011 at 10:52

    Whoa, Corinne delete that cruel comment! Wtf?

    I usually don't have the courage to write anything but I couldn't leave such a spiteful rant as the last entry. You are awesome and Semiautodidact seems jealous of your life.

    Jesus christ what a hateful comment.

  20. I was at that Costco on Sunday too! My first time as I just moved here the day before. It's like Thunderdome in there! I'm glad he apologized and no harm came to anyone. Guy sounds like a total wuss, though.

  21. I was going to say something along the lines of "who threatens to call their sempai" but after noticing that a lot of other comments mentioned that, I'll just say that I freaking hate huge stores like Costco and Ikea. I don't know what it is about giant stores that turns people into giant dickwads.

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