Wednesday 30 June 2010

Uneven wobbly bits.

I'm honestly shocked and horrified at myself right now. I have discovered that not only do I have wobbly cellulite on the top of my thighs, but one side is fucking huge! Like, much bigger than the other side, NOTICEABLY bigger than the other side!
How the fuck does this happen??

OK, I know how cellulite happens, and I'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with sitting on your arse for extended periods of time and eating shitloads of marshmallows (my latest addiction). But seriously, how the hell did I get such uneven cellulite??? I'm usually quite at peace with my wobbly bits, they're there, part of me and evidence of how much I really enjoy good food, but there's a point where I start to feel a little too much like a whale and I usually do something about it, and that point was when I noticed these horrific uneven wobbles. I wish I could take a photo and show you just how bad it is but I wouldn't want you vomitting your lunch time onigiri all over the keyboard or anything.

I showed Ryota and even he was like "Ooooo yeah, that is pretty bad, you can really see the difference!" He even suggested it might be a tumour (thanks sweetheart) but upon much prodding and grabbing of the wobbles decided it was definitely and unmistakeably pure, fatty cellulite. (Again, ta for that darlin.) We were perplexed on how this phenomenon could occur but soon discovered that it probably had something to do with my 'baby on the hip' pose. I tend to put all the weight on my right side when I'm standing or holding Ash, therefore using some kind of muscle in the right leg, but not the left. Has anyone else had this problem!?

Anyway, running everyday in this bastard heat will hopefully melt some of the nasty orange peel away and I've taken to a 100 leg-lift-a-day routine on my left leg only to try and whip my lardy legs into shape. Let's hope. Although then I might end up with one really muscly leg and one still slightly wobbly leg... Uh oh, I'm fucked.

The kindy mothers are pissing me off no end, but that's a post I'll save for tomorrow, wouldn't want to blow my load all in one post (eww), I am posting every day from tomorrow after all!

Hope everyone in Japan is keeping cool as we start on the long, sweaty road of Japan summer, and beware of uneven wobble syndrome, seriously, all you mummies, swap those legs now!!!

Monday 28 June 2010

Just call me Gretel...

As in Hansel and. But let's change it to 'dopey cow Gretel' then we might be close.

You know those days when you wish that you had go-go gadget legs so you could give yourself (and others) a really good kick in the arse? Yup, having one of those today. So everyday this week, and from here on in, I plan to dump drop off Ash at kindy and then go straight for a run, do the supermarket shopping despite tomato face and sweat issues. That way, I'm home in time for about 10am to open the school and get my shit organised. If I come home after I leave Ash there is just waaaayyy too much watching of Beverly hills 902010 and other unproductive activities going on. And it's been fine, I did it everyday last week and it's really not that bad. Today was. A. Stinker though, as in, I was sweating when I woke up and it hasn't stopped. All I can say is, thank fucking god for air conditioning. But it was all good, sweat is good for the weekend detoxing that is always necessary, so this morning I left Ash, rode to the local pond running track and off I went.

About three quarters round the track, I happened to look at my arm for some bizarre reason. (I wear one of those arm band thingies when I run with money and keys and stuff in it.) It was then I realised my little arm thingy was a teeny tiny bit open and I looked just in time to see a 100 yen coin sailing through the air. I had my ipod blaring to try and numb the pain in my legs so I hadn't heard anything dropping. I quickly cursed myself in English for being so stupid (it was the 1st of many today) but figured it was no biggie, I didn't have that much change in there anyway. If the 10,000 yen note that was in there had gone missing it would have sucked but it was fine, so I closed the zipper and trotted off on my merry way, gaijin boobs bouncing away giving the homeless dudes something to chuckle about.

It wasn't until I reached my bike puffing and panting that I realised I was up shit creek without a paddle or bicycle key. Now, I can't remember how many times I've told myself it's incredibly stupid to have both bike keys on one chain but it's many. Anyway, the keys were gone. I thought that they may have been at the spot where the 100 yen coin had fallen out so I walked back round to that spot. No keys. Walked to rest of the track. No keys. My eyes were all fucked up from looking at the ground for so long by this point but decided to do one more time round. No. Fucking. Keys. I did however, find a lovely little trail of my coins the whole way round the track, (hence the Hansel and Gretel reference) picked up about 12 yen in one yen coins!

I then accepted my fate and decided to traipse home but was so bitter the whole way home knowing how sun burnt and stupid I was. So got home, and realised I had no idea how I was going to get my bike back. I turned to good old facebook to plead for help, I knew for sure some other poor gaijin bastard just as stupid as me had surely lost their keys in a drunk stupor at some point. Facebook advice said to find the bike paperwork and go back to the store. It took about an hour of rummaging but I finally found my little slip of paper that said I wasn't in fact a thieving gaijin but a rightful bicycle owner, and drove to the bike shop in the car. was so chuffed I actually found the paperwork I thought the hard part was over. Wrong.

Now I didn't like the staff at this shop when we bought the bike, they were very, hmmmm, what's the word... minimal? They didn't make much of an effort for us and despite buying shitloads gave us no discount at all. But whatever, a bike isn't really a discount kinda thing.
So get there and explain the situation and all the guy said was, 'we can't help you unless you bring the bike here'. And he just kept saying it over and over again no matter what my reply was. I finally got a bit pissed off and asked him how the fuck I was going to get it here when my car is the size of a small matchbox and it's 30 something fucking degrees outside. He gave me the same response as before so then I asked him what people with no car did. He just sucked air through his teeth and said nothing then. Fucker.

I ended up begrudgingly dragging BIL out of his dark pit of a room and got him to bring the big car to cart the bike back to the shop but you think they'd have spare keys or those keys that can get into any bike?! I was willing to pay for that shit. Anyway, the lock was changed. Ryota will no doubt get angry at me and tell me he could have broken into it using his fine teenage criminal skills but was going to be a fuck around either way I guess. I will DEFINITELY be keeping a spare key somewhere safe from now on though. Live and learn.

On a happier note, here is a video of Ash being the weirdo that he is...

Saturday 26 June 2010

The rules of towel and gaijin gohan...

I can’t believe it, just when I thought it was safe to go back into the wifey waters after the rules of fish disaster, I get slammed down again! Technically I should divide these two into separate posts, but seeing as though they happened at the same time I just feel they belong together.

Let me begin with the rules of towel. As you may or may not know/care, Ashy bear is going to kindy Monday to Friday so I can make some dosh and we can all have some sanity. And usually I’m ok with all the kindy name-writing, temperature-taking bullshit, it’s the system, I gotta give a little, I know. But lately our cheap form of child care is becoming suspiciously expensive (not really, I am just really tight, but still). The little bastard pink envelope which means I have to fork out for something has been in Ash’s pouch everyday this week, first it was the 5 (crappy) photos that the sensei told me I just HAD to have because they show Ash with a bib on and sitting in the sandpit, and even worse about the damn photos is that I wanted to take some on the day but they said cameras weren’t allowed! Next it was 2000 yen for something that I had no idea what it was and nobody could explain to me in English, Japanese or any other language. Apparently it’s some form of festival thing, which if I’m honest I’d just rather skip, none of the J-mums talk to me anyway because they are ‘nervous’ or get gaijin panic or whatever, and I always feel like a shag on an English rock at those things. Anyway, just general crap like that, so yesterday when we got a letter home about July being the month the kiddies would get to play in the pool I thought I was set, mum sent swimmers from home, got a cheap wet clothes bag from the 100 yen store, he has sandals and we have loads of towels (of all bloody sizes I might add) so we were set! No more buying useless crap because the kindy said we need it! Or so I thought…

After MIL re-reading through the list for me, (because you know, I’m a freaking idiot and all) she quizzed me on what towel I intended to take, as the letter had specifically said a ‘sports towel.’ Now if I see sports towel, I imagine they want a towel that is not so big they’ll lose a few brats under it for any amount of time, and not so small that it will only dry his chin-chin. Right? WRONG! The rules of towel have spoken! A sports towel is very different to any other towel and must be bought especially!!!! Now MIL is going to Thailand for 2 weeks anyway so I said “Ok I’ll take care of it” and was going to just fob her off and then do it my own way but she started giving me directions to the nearest sports towel shop and I just soooo wasn’t in the mood, so I said that I refused to buy a new towel on the principle of it (unheard of in Japan I feel) and I would take a small-ish towel, if they said anything they can like it or lump it. There was then a huge uproar on how I couldn’t take just any towel, the teacher would definitely send it home with orders to buy a sports towel. Fuck me dead, seriously, Japanese people just have way too much money. A towel is a fucking towel. Fuck. Off.

Phew… Ok, next is the gaijin gohan incident. After I made the towel stand I was a little flushed and everyone went pretty silent (apart from the sounds of Grandma rummaging around to try and find a sports towel in the closet and diffuse the situation) so I decided better time than any to break the silence and give Ash his dinner before I pissed off to the school. I’m getting quite good at cooking dinner in the morning then heating it up for whoever will eat it while I’m slaving at work and today was no exception, I made creamy tuna pasta which is good because we can all eat it and it’s a one plate meal. Easy. Simple. Minimal washing up… But this is Japan after all. Ash loves the stuff, who wouldn’t love pasta, tuna, carrot, parsley, onion and cream?? So I got him a portion and started to feed him. AS I was feeding him, Grandma, no, ALL the in-laws instantly starts attacking the foreign dinner. Not rice? No good!
This is seriously some of the comments I got:

Grandma: What the fuck is this? Spaghetti? Ohh, pasta? It smells funny!

MIL: Is this all he’s getting?

SIL: (To Ashton in a really surprised ‘can’t believe it!’ voice) Oishii?!?!

They then all agreed that the bean rice in the rice cooker would be done soon and that he could have some of that.
The bastards just totally tore strips off my dinner and decided that bean rice was better!? I couldn’t say too much because, you know, they would be looking after him for me when I left, but still, cheeky bastards!!

OK, it's now two days later... Have calmed down on both issues and even went shopping with Sassymoo and Princess P and got a sports towel! (Grudgingly though!) And I am now pleased to announce that I am typing this from the school so I now have Internet at work! Yipppeeee! No traipsing home in rainy season to get my super important Internet resources like blogs and facebook and stuff! Oh dear, this may be dangerous, may have to make a lesson just on blogs or something, may not ever get any work done.. However it does mean I can be a better blogger and commenter, I've decided to post every day in July, don't hold me to it though... Right, best piss off and get my shite together for my little Harry Potter look alike I have coming in tonight, he's incredibly nervous but a nice kid. I've started a blog for the school that you can see from our school's website, here. It will be similar to this one minus the swearing and bitching and personal details... So pretty boring I'd say. Let's see if any of you supposedly "native speakers" can pick up on any of the sarcasm I include...

because you know I will.

Wednesday 23 June 2010

The rules of fish...

We've had futons and dishes, now I know you're just gagging for a new addition to this horrible series.

I really thought my learning days were over, I mean, I've done the 2 years of apprentice wifeyness with gaijin handicap thrown in and all, it was in the bag... I've done the bento, aired the futons and even met Grandma's strict rubbish sorting criteria, I was actually feeling quite smug with my white arse...

But noooooo. There has been... A fish incident!

I find one of the most tedious and boring and just genreally shitty tasks of the common housewife in Japan is planning the menu. There's no just 'throw somehing together from the freezer options because quite frankly my freezer is smaller than my undie drawer. So there is the fucking awful brain strain of thinknig and planning and buying all the shite you need for dinner that day. Now sometimes, I'm struck with inspiration and it's all good, but there are days when I just can't be arsed thinking or everything I think of will taste like dogs balls warmed up. Now before I started working I had to suck it up and just do it, but this lovely working lark means I have wayyyy more bitching room to move when it comes to Ryo-chan. So a few days a week I will accost Ryota as he's going out the door with the false pretense of giving him a kiss (he alswys knows something's up) and make him tell me what he wants for dinner. 90% of the time he will say "Udon ii yo" which is lovely, udon is well easy to do, but sometimes he will actually take a few seconds and all of his man brain power and tell me what he wants.

So the other day, he wanted J-style dinner: Fish, rice, miso soup, natto, salad and some other side dish which I would inevitably buy from the supermarket then put in a fancy dish and rip off as my own. I actually like the J-style nights, the cooking time is usually very little and most things can be prepared beforehand. Sweet! Nice Japanese healthy crap it is sweetheart! Itterashai! But there was a condition...

When it comes to fish, I'm a buri girl, it's white and boneless and doesn't smell too fishy. But Ryota threw me a curve ball and added that he wanted Saba. Saba is more fishy and more boney but doesn't taste too bad. So off I toddled and got my saba and other crap I needed. I prepared everything and as he walked in the door was about to do my fish so he could get a shower and have his dinner on the table when he got out.(huuuuge wifey points there!)Then I was struck with the dilemma of how to cook the bastard, so I resorted to my old faithful- teriyaki. Can't really go wrong with the sticky, sweet, salty combo of soy sauce and sugar, so I teriyaki-ed the little saba bits and arranged them perfectly on the little plate along with it's huge extended family of plates around it.

And you know what the bastard did when he saw the spread? He laughed the at my little saba!!! Arsehole! Dickhead! Wankerrrrrrr! He then explained that no Japanese wife would EVER teriyaki saba, it just isn't done! Saba is ALWAYS grilled with salt. Well exxxcccuuuuuussse fucking me but if I can choose between dry, hard, salty fish and sweet, soft, moist fish, I know which one I'm going with! Grandma also came over at some point during the night, saw the lonely little uneaten saba and examined it closely chuckling at the notion of teriyaki saba. It was a big joke for all the in-laws, meanwhile I was just pissed and vowed to never cook again!

Wasn't actually that pissed, I ate all mine and it was pretty damn tasty. Just another example of the J-way being the only way, no deviating from the norm, even when it comes to something as seemingly creative as cooking!

Monday 14 June 2010

Normal alert!

Sorry to disappoint but this post has nothing to do with wanking!!

Went to the Osaka aquarium yesterday, was pissing down rain so seems every other bastard in kansai had the same idea as us but we survived, just. I ran over a lot of high heel clad toes today with my pushy gaijin stroller, why do aquariums attract so many para para couples by the way!? I seemed to see nothing but dolled up dopey girls and boys among the family crowd and occasional rabu rabu normal couple.

Ash had a ball (and that was the point of going) for the first hmmm 2 tanks of fish, after that he got so pissed when he couldn't see anything that he would just pinch random arses until he could get through, not discriminating is my boy, all bums were fair pinching game.

Had a classic grandma washing moment last night, seemed as if she had spied ash's kindy sheets on the verandah that have been out since (gasp!!) the day before!!! So she'd obviously spent the whole day glancing at them from below and her washing stress radar must have been off the charts, I should attach some kind of monitor to her to gauge just how much stress my washing is causing her... Anyway, we got home in the evening and crashed pretty early so at about 10:30 I got a call from mil saying that grandma was stressing out about the kindy sheets and that she had the press thingy all ready to dry my screw-up gaijin wet sheets. Little did she know, I had got them in a few minutes earlier and had them draped over the sofa. Bastards were dry anyway, was just double checking with the sofa hang. I'm sure grandma would have been mumbling to herself that the moonbeams would work like acid to ruin the sheets but I quickly hung up to avoid such ramblings. I guess 82 year olds don't have much else to do except stress about the state of my washing eh.

Having a pretty cruisey day at the school today, just one lesson, then it's more posting of fliers with my mug on it to get more students in!

I'll leave you with a few piccies from the aquarium, didn't get many on my phone, will upload the pretty camera ones whenever I can be arsed.

Happy Monday!

Friday 11 June 2010

Calmed down...

So I should probably point out that all this bad shit that happens to me is actually the only stuff I blog about these days, if I blogged about the everyday warm and fuzzy boring crap my life would appear quite normal, but let’s be honest, would you rather read about a mental guy wanking at my door? Or the peaceful family dinner I had? (Actually peaceful family dinners never happen, but uneventful ones definitely do!)
I have an update on the wanking guy as well!

So the first incident was on Friday night, then again on Saturday, (toilet hiding day) Sunday we were off praying for Grandma’s soul, so the next day was Monday. Ryota came straight to the school after he finished work, along with dog fucker, Grandma and little Ash. Dog fucker pissed off to give the dog a blow job or something early in the piece but the rest of us hung around until about 6:30 when mental wanky boy was due to arrive. And sure enough, 6:20 on the dot, he comes up to the window with the horny grin going on, he was about to say something when he saw Ryota. Now one of the reasons I liked Ryota in the beginning of our relationship was the fact that he was pretty muscly, not like kinnikuman or anything, but he’s got muscly arms going on (mainly from his job) and he’s also pretty tall, a must when you’re with a giant like me. So wanky boy saw Ryota and instantly fled, which had Ryota charging out the door after him. Now, I’m all for a bit of a telling off, but when I went outside, Ryota had the poor mental bloke by the collar up against the wall and was yelling something to the effect of, “You fucking little arsehole, you show my wife your cock!?” I was honestly shocked, I mean, he’s mental, you can’t go full arse whippings on the bloke!? Ryota then kicked the wall really really fucking hard to scare him even more and had the guttural, low scary voice that J-dudes get when they’re really pissed (as in angry, not drunk, but I guess the two usually go together…).

Now from afar, this would have looked so bad, a big dude in construction greens, ciggie in one hand, poor little mental dude up against the wall in the other, so it was no wonder when the old dude from across the street started to yell at Ryota. I was out on the street in a big panic at this time, imaging the police coming and causing all kinds of bad publicity for the school. I pulled Ryota off the mental guy (I felt so sorry for him!!) The minute he was released he just started saying “Onechan gomennasai!!!” over and over while piss bolting down the street, past Grandma, who I might add was laughing and saying “oooooo omoshiroi ne!” the whole time! I started yelling at Ryota to not be so stupid, beating a dude with the mental capacity of a 4 year old really wasn’t going to help more than a good telling off would and that we soooo didn’t need the police here when we are trying to get students in. The old dude from across the street was still harping on, and he said to Ryota “He’s speaking Japanese, you don’t understand him!” Old dude obviously thought Ryota was a gaijin too, which made Ryota even angrier at him and he was like, “You stupid old twat I am Japanese!” I was also giving him huge polite apologies in Japanese and once we went and talked to him and he knew what was going on he was like, “Ohhh sorry mates, I thought you were both ignorant gaijin bashing up the lil dude because you misunderstood him!” And actually said he’d look out for me if I was at the school alone and call the police if wanky boy happened to come back.

Honestly, it’s unlikely he will, Ryota scared the shit out of me, god knows what it would have been like for Wanky-chan. I really feel there’s some sort of lack of… can’t find the word…. Understanding?? Consideration…? Meh, I don’t know what word I’m looking for but I really had to explain to Ryota that as bad as wanky dude is, he’s really not all there, and there is an extreme lack of support for people with mental disabilities in Japan. All the responsibility falls on the parents, which must be hard for them, surely. I tried to break it down like this: That guy probably has the brain of about a 4 year old kid, if a 4 year old kid flashed his cock, you wouldn’t beat him down, a telling off and firm “it’s not OK”, yes. Beatings, no. But Ryota found it hard to understand, and I was glad he scared him away, just felt kinda bad thinking about how scared he looked.

Had a pretty big meltdown yesterday after the stress, lessons went fine, though I really do hate doing the explaining in Japanese. Got two more trial lessons tonight, one with 1st grade twins which will be interesting. The work load is getting pretty tough but I guess it will just take time to get used to, I really hope Ryota can quit his job, or at least get something part-time, his job is so hard compared to mine but our hours are so different that it means we never get to see each other anymore! Maybe a good thing… Have decided Sunday definitely has to be family day though, I may go crazy otherwise!

Wednesday 9 June 2010

My sister-in-law...

Or, dog fucker, as she will now be known. You know those people who piss you off but are inconsistent about it? Like, they’ll be a total dick one day, and then really sweet the next? That is the dog fucker’s problem, I really just wish she was a bitch all the time so I could legitimately hate her guts and be done with it. But no, she’s a grumpy cow who’s mood can swing at any time, any place. So this little rant comes from the slightly stressful day I’ve had today, I may be a teeny bit hormonal and overreacting, but still.

So the school is going really well, almost too well in that the nights are getting really packed with students wanting trial lessons, and yes, they’re only trial lessons so I shouldn’t go counting my chickies too soon, but we really didn’t expect that many students until word of mouth kicked in so, Woohoo! Wait, maybe word of mouth will kick in and they’ll all quit… Positive thinking! Positive thinking!!!! *head slap*

So today, I booked two trial lessons, one at 5pm and then one at 6pm, so yes I’m the dickhead for scheduling them too close together, but straight after I realized my mistake, I rang MIL, who is supposed to be my partner in the whole school thing, and asked if she had to work, if she did I was going to ring the lady back straight away and say, ‘sorry I fucked up, being the incompetent gaijin that I am, can you come in half an hour earlier?’ But if she didn’t have to work, I thought I could teach the lesson (50 minutes) have a wee chat with them after, and then MIL could explain more and handle them while I did the 6pm lesson. She assured me that she didn’t have to work, definitely not. So great, small mistake but situation can be salvaged and everyone’s happy! Especially me, who hates the uncertain and unplanned (and also hates explaining lesson shite in Japanese to mothers!)

That was yesterday. I again asked her before bed last night that it was still all good and she assured me it was and that she would also pick Ash up, as I have a gazillion lessons to plan for this week and preparation to do for the back-to-back lessons. Now if I was working at a McEikaiwa, I really wouldn’t give too much of a fuck about the preparation, but this is my joint, and my reputation as a teacher, so I want to do this shit properly. Unlike many English teachers in Japan, I actually enjoy and get a lot of fulfillment out of teaching English, so I don’t mind putting in the effort in when I’m teaching my way. I could just throw anything together and then copy a textbook page but I really don’t want to do that. I don’t think the in-laws really get that, that teaching isn’t just about that 50 minutes, it’s so much more about the preparation.

Anyway, MIL rings me today and breaks the news that she’s working, but didn’t seem all that concerned really, I got a few “gomens” but quite frankly I was well pissed, I just wanted to say “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me there was a chance you’d have to work?” (She’s a funeral MC so I know she can’t predict death but there are days when she DEFINITELY knows she’s not working and told me today was one of them.) Seriously, if she’d said there was any chance of working, I would have called the bird up and got her to change the lesson time. She assured me it would be fine and that I should just cut the lesson short and then do the talking. This pissed me off as well, I told them when we started this that I didn’t want to do the talking in Japanese, it freaks me out and whether I can do it or not is beside the point, I’m not comfortable doing it, especially on a rushed time schedule. Anyway, I just sucked it up and decided to do my best, it was my fuck-up (initially) after all.
There was then the Ash question, who would pick him up and look after him, if I go pick him up he’s never going to want to let me go so MIL asked dog fucker to go get him (which she’s done before), and that was really going to help me, it would leave me that 2 hours to get some good preparation time done. (I’d abandoned the washing, cleaning and cooking idea after the MIL phone call but that was in the back of my mind too.) MIL asked dog fucker and her response- (Imagine a really whiney voice) “I can’t go, I have a cold and that hill is too hard to walk up.” Maybe if I paid her off she’d fucking do it for me?! She was in bed until 1pm and ventured out once to walk her precious dog that she fantasises about fucking all day, and she can’t go to the kindy, which is like a 7 minute walk away?? Now, walking is a bitch with Ash, but she could use the bicycle but she’ too fucking uncoordinated to use the bastard bike, and too lazy to go and get her licence (which lessons have already been paid for by Mil but to which she’s not going to). So I have to go and get Ash, and then 82 year old Grandma will look after him until Ryota gets home at 6. Grrrr I think dog fucker is pissing me off so much because I was angry to start with about the whole situation. I hate HATE not being in control and sometimes living with this lot feels like I have no control at all.

Anyway, I best stop bitching about it and get on with the job. Ganbaru.

EDIT! Just picked ash up in a mad rush to discover hed shit himself from arsehole to breakfast time!! Could this day get any worse? Oh wait, my hands now smell like curry-infused shit, good luck with those high fives tonight kiddies...

Saturday 5 June 2010

Oh yeeeeaaaahhhh! The pervert magnet is back!

Yesssss! I can now say I’ve had my first pervert attack since having a baby and becoming a frumpy housewife! Woooooooo! Well, Wooooooooo! in an ‘Eww gross!’ kind of way. And I can’t really count it as a fully fledged, stereotypical Japan pervert attack either, but still.

So was sitting at the school (we call her link-chan, cos it’s like our baby, and, you know, we’re really lame.) and it was about 6:45pm and getting dark. I had a Junior high school class at 7pm as their schedule was so booked up, that was the only time they could tear themselves away from club/ cram school/ study/ sports and whatever the fuck else Junior high school kids do with their time here, helllloooooo future train jumper! Anyway, was waiting patiently, and around the 6-7pm time frame is actually a really a good time to be at the school, everyone is on their way home from work or school and we have positioned my desk so I’m in full view of anyone on the bus, in cars or walking down the street. The down side is that I can no longer pick my undies out of my bum in peace, and I have to have a ‘I’m a super-friendly fun gaijin!’ smile plastered on my face 24/7, but the up side is that the blond foreign girl does attract quite a lot of attention in our sleepy little part of the world.

Every night this week I’ve had reactions ranging from pointing at me from the car, or a shushed “Oi, look, it’s that bird from the flyer we got!” to people full-on just striding in and asking what I’m doing or making general chit-chat and telling me to ‘ganbatte’ (go for it). Of course their ‘ganbatte’s’ would be much more appreciated if they forked out and actually took lessons, but the thought is there I guess.
So point is, I’ve been used to random people coming to the door and making conversation, to which I am a very good business typey person and always stand up and go to the door and bow and act like a general groveling twat as per the system of customer is god here in Japan.

So when a dude in a cap came to the door, I didn’t think anything of it, looking back, when he said “kirei ne” (pretty) I thought he was talking about the school, but as it turns out he may have been talking about my (non-existent) gaijin rack. He was muttering though so I couldn’t be sure of what else he said but he was talking in a way that after a few seconds it clicked in brain that he was “special.” My sister works for a disabled care home in Aussie so I do actually have a lot of sympathy for those poor buggers who by no fault of their own are a bit soft in the head, but it’s still hard to deal with all the same. I really couldn’t understand what he was saying but when he stepped up into the entrance way and started wanking at me, well, it was quite clear that words weren’t really needed. Although I’m sure he said at the end, “Can you fart for me just once? Please?”

Now in situations like this, no matter how creepy, scary or dangerous, I laugh. It’s so bad, but I giggle like a school girl, always have when I’m nervous. So not knowing what to do I said “Hee hee ahh ha ha no, no I won’t fart, hee hee! bai bai!” And shut the door. When I later relayed the story back to my in-laws their advice if it ever happens again was to:
MIL- Get your phone and snap his picture.
SIL- Punch his disabled arse down and kick him.
Ryochan- Call me and I’ll come and kick his disabled arse.
BIL- He grunted, cos, well, he’s a bit slow and was still digesting the story.
To be honest, I wouldn’t have the balls to do any ass kicking, disabled or not! Go back and read my ‘wanking on the door’ story some while back for proof of that! But when the poor lad is obviously not right in the head, it’s really hard to go all “sekuhara” on him, don’t you think? My biggest concern is that if he were to hang around when we had kids at the school, that would just make for bad business.

Anyway, as I said, can’t be treated as a totally legit pervy incident but definitely close enough for my liking!

OK, woah. Seriously, just finished typing this and had to go piss, was in the toilet and heard his voice calling out “Oneeechan!!” “Kawaii onechann!!!” Holy fuck, it’s about the same time as yesterday, does this mean it’s going to be an everyday thing?! Lucky I was pissing at the time because I think I would have weeed myself if I’d still been sitting at the computer!! I stayed in the toilet cowering like a little mouse and called Ryota but when he got here it was too late, he’d gone. Man, imagine teaching a couple of shy little 13 year olds and that shit walks in the door!? Soft in the head or not, his parents need to take care of him and make sure he’s not out terrorizing gaijin and their fragile little new schools. Ryota has now instructed me to keep him chatting but try not to get jizzed on and call him the minute he comes to the door next time (no pun intended).