Thursday 20 October 2011

Spooky season

Well, it is Halloween season, but the shock I got yesterday when I got home was way more than I wanted, and I'm a thrill seeker!

As I parked my bicycle and lugged the 20kgs of whining boy off, I got some kind of chill up my spine, a sense that something wasn't quite right. It might have been the fact that the front door wasn't completely closed, or a slight sound I heard, or an instinct that kicked in. Whatever it was, I knew there was an intruder in my house.

I tentatively opened the door, I tried to do it in a stealth manner, but it's a "GARA-GARA-GARA" kind of sliding door that never seems to open smoothly, so my attempts failed. My heart started pumping harder so that I could feel the pulses in my head as the 2nd floor floorboards made a slight creak. Someone was upstairs.

I ushered Ash in to the toy haven that used to be my living room and craned my neck up the stairs, hoping my ears would pick up some kind of signal that it was the cat or my imagination, but it was unmistakeably the sound of the balcony window opening. Had they shimmied the balcony and were on their way in to rape and murder us?? I grabbed the thing closest to me, which happened to be a floor cleaner, a flurry of dust ironically spiralling up around me as I did. What was I going to do, impale a robber with the pointy end of a floor cleaner? I didn't know, but i at least wanted to be prepared.

As I started creeping my way up the stairs, I saw a shadow dart out of the way in the room from the open door, it was straight out of a fucking Stephen King novel, all I needed was for a clown to peek out from under the stairs. I kept inching my way up the stairs, clasping on to the railing so all my weight was on it, rather than the creaky stairs. I finally made it to the top and did some kind of James Bond move near the door, back flat up against it, breathing in to make myself as thin as the wall while I peered around the corner to see someone waiting for me. Sweat was trickling down between my boobs, my every sense tingling with anticipation. And then...

Fucking Grandma.

I shit you not I almost fucking throttled her with the floor cleaner anyway. Grandma has been know to come into our house uninvited (ummm hello, everyday!) but it's usually while we're there and never upstairs. This is why I was convinced it wasn't Grandma, because she can barely make it up Steep Japanese stairs like ours, I never thought she would bother going up ours voluntarily. But apparently it was a matter of life and death. Why?? Because I had the fleece blankets out drying and the sun went in. Ummmmm the blankets aren't going to fucking disintegrate woman!
I told her I thought it was an intruder and she laughed and said "Don't worry, they wouldn't make it past me!" well if my fucking blanket violation doesn't I guess she's right.

I have to get out of the dirt path ghetto one day. Sooner rather than later.


  1. Oh, you made me laugh! Of course it HAD to be grandma.

    Once, when the kids were little, I'd just come back from the UK and was totally jetlagged, and was woken up at midnight in a total fog by a noise on the balcony. There was a shadow out there - someone trying to get through the window ... I hurled myself at it, shrieking something like "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE," only to find my hands being grabbed and a voice saying "Daijobu, daijobu, boku desu yo...". Yep, it was my husband. Coming home at his normal time from work, he'd forgotten his keys, and I was too jetlagged to wake up despite his repeated rings on the doorbell. I tell you, I'm never sleeping with the window open again, even on the second floor.

  2. You are so funny. I so get it. It's classic. Classic. 'Gara Gara Gara'. Love it!
    Nobody makes me laugh like I make myself laugh, well, I lie, there's one chick in Vancouver who has an acidic sense of humour, so that makes two people in my entire blogging career who are so worth reading. Thanks.

  3. Gah, I'm acting like a fcking groupie. I must be going through a tough time in my life and omg, today there was candy in my life, and kids having to choose candy, and yes, there was the usual boring Japanese boiled candies, and lush bags of M&M's, and 5 out of the 6 kids, lamely went for an Ichigo Milk candy. I was like, wtf, why not the M&M's!! Sigh. Is this why Japan is so safe?

  4. I would have actually poohed myself. And then telled at her enough to make sure Grandma did the same. Why didn't she call out? I would have grabbed something pointless like the floor cleaner too.

  5. Missed a good chance to just whack that old bat and blame it on justifiable fear.

    I'm just saying ;)

  6. Next time leave the blankets out on purpose and put something under them she won't want to find!

  7. You brave girl! Any suspicions like that would have had me running for the hills! +10 points for this being about stringent laundry rules!

  8. Wonderfully written! I was fearing and sweating with you. And wondering why you sent Ash into the house in which you thought a intruder to be... ^^ I SO hoped no-one would be in the living room. :-)

    @Chris: lol! xD

  9. LOL - oh Grandma and her inability to be able to stand futons hanging out past 3pm. I have had Granny K upstairs (where she never goes either) shutting windows. I didn't even think the was supposed to be home though so I went upstairs with fly spray. A ten month pregnant woman with a can of fly spray. Hmmmm.

  10. *Grandma parently' i'm drunk on thursday night, not a shocker

  11. Too funny!!!
    Maybe your Obachan has learnt some moves from Chuck Norris...

  12. I would suggest having a baseball bat hidden near the front door, but that might be more dangerous to you than the "intruder". Go grandma!