Ohhhh yeah, my dog fucking sister-in-law has been unusually normal lately, it’s been worrying me. I could compare her to that big arse volcano that spews ash every so often just to fuck up everyone’s lives, spluttering shit and filth everywhere she goes while instilling a shudder-inducing fear in all she comes in contact with that one day she might just blow, and who knows what her fucked up demons are capable of! Maybe it’s a summer thing, it was last summer that she went mental over me taking the piss out of Kimutaku…
It all started with me being lazy. Wait…that is how most of my days start… OK, so on this particular day, I had loads of lessons and couldn’t be arsed cooking so I made no false illusions of being a good housewife, I just said to Ryota as he walked out the door: “Can’t be arsed. Dinner. Hokka ben!” And he got the drift as he rushed out, ciggie in mouth he made some noise that probably was “OK desu!” Ryota can be a whinging, lazy fucker at times but he never questions Hokka Ben, he loves that shit! For those not in Japan or not aware of the awesomeness of Hokka Ben, it’s a home delivery (or take-out) place that serves bentos, which are good because they have rice and fish and all that shite for the J-peeps, but enough deep fried goodness to keep us mouthy foreign folk happy too. It’s cheap, easy, our delivery guy is totally fuckable and I can order my meals without carb laden rice, pure genius! Anyway, that was that so when I got home at about 7, Ryota was at Grandma’s house (because god forbid he would watch our son by himself and all), looking through the Hokka ben menus. I always get the nori special minus rice so I was decided, and after I’d announced my order, Grandma was all, “Hmmm, nori special”…. *Homer Simpson drool* Grandma is a bit of a foody and we spent the next 5 minutes saying how much we love the nori special, although she told me I couldn’t possibly eat it without rice.
During this time the dog-fucker had been rummaging through something in the other room, but you know when people are pissed off and you can tell because they are banging everything down and making noises and stuff? Yeah, well, she was doing that in between making kissy noises at the dog (no exaggeration there either!). I had a feeling in my waters that shit was going to go down, and as Grandma announced that she too would have Hokka Ben, dog-fucker grabbed the chance and said “What the fuck, I made you bean rice, eat that!” And she said it in a really rude, short way too. Now this may seem super mean to be saying to a Granny, but our Grandma isn’t the tea and scones type Granny, she’s a tough old thing and it didn’t phase her a bit, she shot back with “Yeah, well, Hokka ben sounds better, and who knows, I might be dead in a few weeks, I’m going to live life on the edge and get Hokka ben!” I wanted to give Grandma a high five but I was afraid I might snap a bone or two so I reveled in the moment by sitting down and settling in for the rant I knew was coming from dog-fucker.
And we weren’t disappointed, she started going on about the fact that she’d made it special and if she’d wanted Hokka Ben she wouldn’t have bothered blah blah blah. Let’s just back it up a bit shall we dog-fucking lunatic, 1) It’s bean rice, it’s washing some beans, throwing them in a machine with rice, and pressing a button, not exactly a 5 course gourmet meal! 2) If Grandma wants to eat shit, let her, I’m sure the bean rice will get eaten tomorrow! And 3) It’s fucking bean rice, shut the fuck up!!!
I had all these great responses Grandma could have given swirling around my head like, “Yeah well, it did you good to get off the dog’s cock and do something with all your free time!” and “At least go fuck a respectable dog like a Lab or retriever, leave the Yorkshire terrier alone you ugly whore!” But alas, I kept my trap shut as Grandma is quite capable of holding her own and I would have been frustrated with the lack of swear words in Japanese and just ended up screaming, “YOU CUNT!!!” at her anyway.
Ryota however, is not as good as keeping his mouth shut as me, plus he has the added advantage of being able to form stinging insults in Japanese, and that he did. Well not as stinging as I’d hoped for, but something to the effect of, ‘Fucking hell, if she wants to eat Hokka Ben then what is it to you? You’re not her fucking keeper!” And she went off. Her. Nut. You know when old Japanese dudes get really angry and they roll their tongues on the ‘r’ words? Well she was that pissed that she was doing that as she spat all over the place screeching like the fucking fruit loop that she is. Ryota and I started giggling and I said (in English) “Ooooo it’s been a while since we've had a psychotic episode!” To which she got even more pissed because she didn’t know what it meant but knew it was directed at her and told us both to fuck off. We left the house with the stupid cunt ranting away and Grandma telling her to shut the hell up. When the Hokka ben arrived I delivered it to Grandma, making a point of saying loudly how good it was going to be as dog-fucker continued her pot-banging protests in the kitchen.
Grandma offered to pay for all our dinners but I insisted I shout her, it was the least I could do for such quality entertainment.
Dog-fucker hasn’t talked to us since, I’m, hoping this continues for at least another month or two.