Decisions decisions.

Maybe it's because I'm getting closer to 30, or maybe it's just the waves of life, but I feel like I need to make some big decisions soon. And not only do I have to make decisions, but I have to make them in the knowledge that 5 years from now I don't have the faintest idea what will be going on. It's so bloody difficult when you feel the need to plan as I do!

Our first decision is our new car. Ryota wants a fancy, cool foreign car and I want a reliable, family Japanese car... Again with us switching the Japanese/gaijin roles again! Actually, I want the big flash car too, but we can't buy it new and maintenance would be more expensive, plus his pride and joy would no doubt be littered with juice and snacks from our 2 small children within about an hour of getting it so I feel it just isn't practical. For forking out the same amount of money we could get a new mid-range family car that we wouldn't really care as much if it got destroyed by our 2 monsters... I don't want it to be a battle though, so I'm not going to push it, whichever we go with will be better than our tiny car we have now. We have to decide what we want to do with said tiny car as well though, I really want to keep it for quick trips, hairy parking situations and the rainy kindy pick-ups but we have to pay 8000 yen a month for parking, which is relatively cheap for our area but with two cars, 16,000 yen a month is a bit steep, plus insurance/registration and all that other bullshit. Our original plan was to give the car to dog-fucker/ little brother and borrow it occasionally (as they do now) but with relationships still rocky all around there I'm not sure that will happen. I'm definitely not giving anything to dog-fucker for free.

Another decision which is looming is buying a new house. Our current house will be payed off next year or the year after (depending on what kind of car we get!!) and I'm not happy with just having our crappy little house. I either want a new house in Japan or I want to buy something in Australia. I think buying in Australia is way smarter. I mentioned this to my mum and she got so excited that she started getting loan details and everything! She really just wants us to come home I think... But I thought if I had property at home, if I ever needed to escape, or if we all move there we'd at least have some footing. Thankfully no need for escape lately, but again, who the fuck knows. With the chilly conditions with Ryota's family I really see less and less reason to stay in Japan. The main one is we both have good jobs here. I could be a teacher at home, which is a reasonable job, but Ryota would have to shit kick for a while at least until he could speak English better/ start his own business.

All of this is topped off by the fact that despite it being totally fucking insane, I want another baby. Not right away, but not too far away either. Having kids is so fucking hard and it goes against  everything the logical part of me says, but I can't help it, I just see myself having 3 kids. Now if I didn't have the school, I would try for another one now, get them out of the way. But I do, if I have another baby now, I don't think I could keep the school going. So my options are to wait until the 2 older boys are much older to have another one, or close the school. If I close the school I definitely don't want to stay in Japan, I could think of nothing more mind-numbing than being a SAHM in Japan. At least at home I'd have the beach, and my family and friends to entertain me.

So lots to think about! Right now I'm kind of enjoying life though! Work is good, we're getting into an independent rhythm without relying on the in-laws for anything and Ryota and I are actually getting along really well!

Nicer things

I haven't talked to dog fucker since our fight, I haven't even really seen her since she doesn't leave the house, although I had to talk to MIL and when I went in to the house she started slamming things around in obvious anger and then slammed the front door shut that I'd left a bit open saying "HIDOI!" So she's looking for a fight, but I'm not going to give it to her for the sake of it, if she starts I'll go, but until then, ignore city.

So this morning, I was at the supermarket at 9am sharp as I am every day (especially in summer). I got my basket full of housewifely goodness to prepare dinner with and lined up behind an old man at the register. Now when you go to the supermarket every day at the same time you get to know the regulars, but this guy I'd never seen before, and as soon as he spied me, I knew he was the type who would definitely say something to me purely because I'm foreign. I kind of like these old men though, they're rarely nasty and at worst annoying.

He didn't look homeless, but he wasn't a generic old man either, for a start he was buying things at the supermarket himself which means more than likely he wasn't married. His purchases were quite telling too, he was buying a 6 pack of beer and 4 ice creams. Gossip session with his buddies in the park or just getting tanked on his own, whatever, they were quality buys for this time of year!

So he said to the register lady "Ooooo this girl is more Japanese than me!!" I'm not quite sure what he meant by it, but he had a big grin on his face so I grinned back and said, "Yup, that's actually probably true!" He then made chit chat with the register lady about how 'sugoi' it was that I was... here..? I'm not quite sure and the register lady was pretty embarrassed but trying to be polite.

So it got to paying time and she said the price and he said "Hmmm I wonder if I have it...?" and emptied his pockets with all his change. He came up short and said, "Take one of the ice creams off!" He didn't seem at all embarrassed (he really wasn't that Japanese) and my first reaction was to just put the 25 yen for him, because really, it's 25 fucking yen. But I've been in Japan way too long because I totally hesitated, thoughts flashed through my head of him getting angry at me for assuming he was poor or him going and killin himself after losing face in front of everyone. But then I just put the money there while the register lady was all "Ohhh nooo madam, you don't have to...!" But she trailed off then realising she should just stay out of it. I glanced up at the old man and he was all teary eyed!! I don't know if he was having a rough time of it, or if he was just surprised, but he said in a cracked voice to the register lady, "See I told you she was a good person!" to which the horribly uncomfortable register lady replied, "Oh yes.. foreigners...." in her traily-off way.

As he left he gave me a big bow and in English, "Sankyou!"

Living in Japan as a foreigner can be awful sometimes, full of segregation, uneasiness and the desperate need to fit in. But sometimes I'm glad I'm foreign and I'm here.

Dog fucker fireworks

Since the time Dog fucker and I really got into it with the Kimutaku fight, I've actually had times where I almost begin to like her. She can be very nice, helpful, normal even when she wants to be. But in the back of my mind, I always had that fight replaying in my head and never totally trusted her. Actually if I'm honest with myself, the only reason I held my tongue for as long as I have was because I needed her to watch Bailey for a year.

Now that year is over, I don't have to fork out mountains of cash to her, and I don't actually give a fuck what she thinks of me, because it. is. ON!

To be fair, I think I had some pent up resentment from all the cash I did pay her for watching her own nephew and the fact that once the money stopped she didn't offer to help in the slightest. This, and the summer season starting, some people go on stabbing sprees, I just speak my mind. Meh, we're all getting a bit on edge in the heat I think.

So, here's how this fight started...

This month, Monsters University came out, if you don't have kids it will be totally irrelavant, but Ash has been dying to see it ever since the trailers came out ridiculously early in the year. So I promised him I'd set aside a day for him in July and we would have a date to go watch it. I've never taken Ash to the movies and recently I haven't had much?any? one on one time with him, it's always all of us or just me and both boys. I was actually really looking forward to it, the 24th was decided and I made sure not to schedule any lessons on that day.
Now among all my planning, I had heard through the grapevine that dog-fucker had also said she'd take Ash to see the movie. I say grapevine, I mean when I said "Let's go watch it together!" He replied with "Ehh Ako too??" (he calls dog fucker Ako) So I knew then that she'd probably said she'd take him. Which is nice and all, I appreciate it but I knew then and there that it wasn't happening, this was my plan. I should point out she's taken him to the movies on at least 4 separate occasions because you know, she has no job or purpose in life.

So Sunday night I went to Grandma's house and dog fucker said: (In a kind of short tone while watching TV) "Corinne, Ashton will have the day off on Wednesday." ...

Not 'Can he have the day off?' But 'he WILL have the day off.' Fucking bitch , that there was enough to piss me off, and I knew in my head that a shit storm was on the way but I asked her why and she said "I'm taking him to the movies." I then said (still in a nice way) "Hmmm I was actually going to take him on the 24th..."
And the whore fucking ignored me!!

So I stormed home and immediately started bitching to Ryota about how his sister was such a fucking bitch and he told me not to bitch to him, to either speak my mind or shut the hell up. And fair play to him for that.

So the mail war started, writing it is way too annoying so I'll post the mails with rough translations...

 

First one (me): Don't worry about taking him on Wednesday, it'll cost you money anyway. I can take him on the 24th.

 

Second one (her): I already bought the tickets for the 10th so I'm taking him. Why don't you take him somewhere different on the 24th?

 

Third one (me): Ahh you already bought them... Could you let me know before you decide anything next time because I promised him I'd take him.

 

 

I should point out here that her texts are all fucking short and condescending tones as well the little whore. I'm her fucking onesan too!!!! OK, then...

 

First one (her): I told you ages ago, maybe you've forgotten?

 

Second one (me): (I was PISSED now!) Actually I told you too. I said "Let's go together" maybe you've forgotten? I'm always busy with work and hardly get the chance to be with Ash just the 2 of us so that's why I wanted to take him but I should have made that clear earlier so it's my fault.

 

Third one (her): I think you'll have lots of time to be with just Ash now seeing as though you've put Bailey in kindy.

 

Fine then! You take him! I can sell my fucking tickets!

 

 

It was at that point that I didn't want to keep it going anymore, she was dead to me. I realised as someone who dropped out of high school and has never had any social interactions what so ever, I should just treat her as socially disabled and forget about her. But fuck me, how dare she judge me putting Bailey in kindy?! How dare she SAY anything about the subject let alone judge me. She's never known what it's like to be busy so I guess it's impossible for her to understand. Anyway, it's been all icy looks and ignoring since than and I'm just itching for her to have another go, I have everything I want to say planned, such gems as: "The closest you've come to having a family is your dog, go get another one to fuck with" and "You're a leech on society, fuck off!"

 

 

Am I overreacting due to crazy summer season?? Would you be pissed?? Or am I just looking for a reason to fight because I just don't like her??



Support

I often feel very lucky to live so close to Ryota's family, I'm very lucky that when Ashton is driving me nuts that he can go to their house for a bit ensuring I don't actually throw him out the window. They also help me in many other ways, but lately, today especially, I think it's best just to cut ourselves off, or even better, just move. Because the only thing worse than having no support, is having support there that are being cunts.

Well, it's not actually true, if it boils down to it I'm actually the cunt because I expect too much. I was brought up in a very hard-working house. My parents always worked hard, rewarded us if we worked hard and really believed in helping each other out if we were doing it tough. My Dad always said: "God helps those who help themselves" and by God, he meant the people around you, I think it's a pretty good philosophy too, try yourself and then you'll get the help you need, be a lazy fuck and nobody will help you and you'll end up with nothing.

So from yesterday Bailey started going to kindy, it was harder for me than I thought and I felt so guilty at my free time that I went into a cleaning frenzy. Feeling less guilty as I have 8 lessons and just an hour for lunch today, but it still breaks my heart that he's not with me anymore. He couldn't get into Ash's kindy, so the drop off and pick up is a pain in the arse, mornings not so bad, but afternoons are a fucking dilemma. My busiest time is from 4-8, it's just the reality of eikaiwa. When the kids are older it won't be so bad but at the moment it blows, it interrupts the dinner routine, pushes back the bath routine and is just exhausting. But all that can be dealt with, what cannot be dealt with, is the actual pick up. When it was just Ash, Ryota would pick him up on the motorbike, not ideal, but it worked fine. Bailey can't go on the bike so it puts forward the problem that if Ryota goes home on the bike, gets the car and goes to get both boys, by the time he gets to both places, it will be after 6 and we'll have to pay extra for both kids.

Now if Ryota just picks up Ash on the bike, he gets there before 6 and it's all good. Bailey is the problem. I was hoping (stupidly) that the days I can't go, MIL or dog-fucker would go for me. But last night when I asked MIL, she was very... cold...? with her response and it was quite obvious that she did not want to pick him up. Fair enough, but hurtful all the same. She basically said in her mail: "I thought when Bailey started kindy you'd change your work schedule! Is it just tomorrow?! What about the time from pick-up to when Ryota gets home??" Now these are all valid questions, but she knows I can't just change a whole group of kids easily, it just won't happen, 5pm is one of the busiest slots and almost impossible to free up.
MIL works, so I can understand if she is busy, but dog-fucker has no job, so I should just ask her right? Well, I'm sorry, I can't. I've been shut down by her luke-warm responses too many times before that if she doesn't offer, I just can't beg her. Now usually when this problem crops up (me fucking loathing asking that cunt for anything) Ryota who doesn't give a fuck, will just ask/tell her. But of course he's not talking to her at the moment so he won't ask her...

This is where I feel way too much pressure for my liking. I feel that because I choose to work, I have all the responsibility on my shoulders. And I hate it. If it were my family, in my language, honestly it would be easier, but I just can't do it. I was so defeated last night I just couldn't stop myself from crying in frustration and guilt, that my little boy would be at kindy from 9-6, a long day for a 1 year old. And then I started thinking it's not worth it to work, that everyone would be happier (and much poorer) if I just stayed at home and looked after the kids. So tonight Ryota will pick up both boys, he may or may not make it for 6pm for Bailey but will definitely not make it for Ash. I feel sick just thinking about the whole situation.

All I know is I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and work it out. I just hope I don't damage my kids by leaving them at kindy for so long...