Futon fuck-ups...

We've had the rules of rice, welcome to the world of futons...

Before I came to Japan, a futon was a sofa type thingy that I crashed on when I got too pissed at a random person's party, when I got to Japan, a futon was a crappy, thin little mat that I had to sleep on and never cleaned so ended up with a mouldy sleeping space, but now, I have a comfy, cushiony futon that I looooooove to flop on to at the end of the day. I thought I had the futon rules down too, wash the sheets once a week, air the bastards out every so often, and you're sweet! But yesterday I was taught a lesson in the futon wars.

We had to leave the house at 11am as we had to go to FIL's place so I could sit on my knees for an hour while a monk chanted at Ryota's dead grandma's ashes. I really don't see why I have to sit through this shite, I never even met Grandma and I'm told she wasn't too keen on the foreign gals anyway and probably would have spit on me or something! (Not quite that bad really). Anyway, every so often we have to go and do the religious ceremony bullshit. So we woke up at about 10, leaving us not much time to get fed, ready and out the door. Now the weather in Japan has been sooooo crappy lately, lots of rainy or cloudy or cold days so I thought I'd wash and leave the sheets out to dry and air out the futons while we were there as it was really sunny for a change. I knew we were probably going to be home either as it was getting dark, or after dinner, but you know, it's a funeral type thing, it's not like I was going to be out raving until 4am or anything! (I wish!)

As it turned out, we got home at about 9pm, but it wasn't that cold and it wasn't raining or anything, but as I came down our little dirt path, it became apparent that I had been the talk of the Obachans since sun down... Obaachan met me before I got in the door and since I had been swilling beer since about 12:30 I gave her a cheery "konbanwa!" only to be met with this:

WHATTHE FUCKWHEREHAVEYOUBEEN?!

THE FUUUUUUTTTTOOOOOOONNNSSSSS!!!

YOUCAN'TJUSTLEAVETHEMAFTERDARK!!!!

YOU'RE GOING TO CATCH A COLD AND DIE FROM CHILLY FUTON SYNDROME!!!! DIE!!! DIE I TELL YOU!!!

She was seriously almost hysterical. I thought it must have rained and I hadn't noticed through my beery haze but she said it hadn't but it had nothing to do with it, futons are not to be aired out when there is no sun. BIIIIIIIIIIIG no no. I actually started giggling and assured her I would go straight upstairs and put them inside, as I was closing the door she also told me that all the Obachans had been calling my name when it got dark in case I had forgotten and the crazy cat lover next door had actually gone to Obaachans house to inform her of my futon fuck up. Now I know I'm from the land of clear skies and little pollution, but really, we are not going to die from sleeping on a futon that has been hit with moon beams, right...? Right?! Come on people, I'm freaking out that we all may drop down dead at some point today!

Gaijin janken...

I'm not fucking with you here either. A group of Japanese ladies actually did janken to see which of them would have to deal with the foreign girl yesterday.

Perhaps I should explain, yesterday, little Ashton boy was enrolled in kindy and my mother-in-law can blow me, because I've decided he's going whether she and her chorus of kawaisous like it or not. To spare us the pain and guilt the in-laws would have put on us, Ryota and I have enrolled him on the sly, and only yesterday told them about it. I didn't have 100% confidence in the speaky of the Japanee for the orientation thing, and of course the in-laws all snubbed me in the help department because they think I'm going to psychologically damage my son for life for sending him.

So, I toddled off with the little lad to the kindy with all my paperwork and information, rang the bell and was ushered inside with all the other terrible mothers about to subject their children to the abuse of kindy involving sand pits and Disney aprons. When I walked in there was the usual choruses of "kaaaaawwwwwaaaaiiiiii, yappari shiroiro neeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!" (Oh he's so cute and of course he's so damn white!!) in Ash's direction which he lapped up as usual the little attention whore. And then out of the big group of ladies wearing the pink smocks and name badges, they pushed one of the older ladies forward and she cleared her throat and...

Scared kindy teacher: KOOTOOOOBAAAAA WAAAA DAIIIIIJYOOOOOBUUUUUU???? (Literally- "ARE WORDS OK?")

Me: (I didn't realise it but obviously in Osaka-ben) Err, yup I don't get everything but I'm pretty much fine and can understand, thanks.

Sensei: Oh thank fuck for that I thought we were going to have to do sign language with you love, and you speak the Osaka-ben and all!!!

Me: Well, as I said, not perfect but I generally get the jist, so just go slow with me lady and we'll be fine. Yoroshiku blah blah...

Sensei: Don't worry, you'll be fine with your language, you're sooooo much better than we thought, we spent the whole morning deciding who would have to talk to you after seeing your file had a half-whitie red flag on it and ended up doing janken and I lost! HA! Er.... I mean, I'm glad I lost... ahh... ahem, come sit on this tiny midget chair love!

They were actually very nice, so I shouldn't bitch too much, but did they really think I'd go alone if I couldn't understand? I'm sure there are going to be many funny stories coming from kindy, I can just feel it. Anyway, it went well and I understood all the explanation although it was a bit overwhelming with all the info about shit Ash has to take with his name plastered all over EVERY SINGLE FUCKING item, it was like "You will be shot if his name isn't on his shirt, you understand that don't you." But should be good, he had a blast stealing every one's toys and running around, I'm just hoping kids start smacking him around a bit so he learns he can't just take shit that's not his!

In other news.... Ohh, I'm terribly late but last week's night out on the piss with the girls was fan-fucking-tastically awesome. Sassy and I got lost which was funny- two blond girls looking professional with iPhones but actually having nooooo idea where they were when they were actually about 100 metres away from the hotel, having about 15 years Japan experience between us you'd think we could have found it, but no. The drinking and the leaving of child at home was amazing, I can't wait till it's someones birthday and we can do it again.

I feel like crap, I've had this intense back pain since last night and I have a sneaking suspicion it's the achy feeling you get before a really fuck off bad cold, my nose has gone and I'm all lazy, which apart from the leaky nose isn't all that unusual. Ash has some major tooth action going on, he just looked at me last night in sheer terror as he shoved his whole fist in his mouth, poor little petal's face looked like there was some small animal gnawing through his gums, of course the in-laws still maintain his gums are just itchy and that he's crying for some other reason (probably the trauma of an hour at kindy!) We were supposed to go have coffee with Sassy today but I just felt like shite and Ash isn't too hot either.

Better get healthy, I'll need the strength for all the labelling of clothes/futons/band aids/nappies that will be going on this weekend!

Weather is too good to blog...

It really is, well OK, it isn't that great, but the break from the horrid winter is very much appreciated and has been putting me in a very cheery mood these days, hence the lack of bitching on this blog and in general. I even spied the first ume blossoms while running last night and did a skip and a little gleeful noise escaped from me at the thought of spring and all the alcohol swilling flower watching parties that it brings.

The weather has even been making me get (less) infuriated with the blatant racism that is constantly swirling around me, another classic example yesterday. Random Obachan rings the bell to the door just as Ash was going to snoozy land so I was pissed that someone would be coming to the door anyway, open the door and conversation went like this:

Obachan: (Very politely) Ohhh excuse me, can I have a minute of your ti..... Oh..

Me: Yes. (Slightly amused at her 'gaijin shock' look)

Obachan: Are you the Okusan (wife/head of the family...??)

Me: Yes indeedy.

Obachan: (Thrusting pamphlet at me) Oh, you wouldn't understand this anyway, so just give it to someone who speaks Japanese. Is your husband home?

Me: (Pissed now and starting to close the door) No.

Obachan: American right?

Me: (Non-committal noise, bow and door closing)

I thought, fuck it, I obviously don't understand anyway so why would she bother starting a conversation with me anyway!? And to start it with the conversation-starter I hate most was just not a good combination. If I had any balls I'd tell her where to go but it's one of those 'ingrained racism' incidents that happen so often in this country, more ignorance than hate-filled intent.

Last night's racism incident was however, very intentional. SIL is quite possibly one of the most racist people I know and despite being 24, never ceases to amaze me with her old school hating. We were watching an interview with Mao Asada, who I admit is a sweet girl (although I can't look at her the same after I saw a porno mag with snaps of her hoo-haa when she did a particularly acrobatic skating mood and had wardrobe malfunction issues. *shudder* at gross J-guys getting off on that.) . Anyway, of course, all of Japan was devastated when she got the silver medal at the Olympics. Am I the only one who thinks a silver medal is a pretty fucking good effort??? I felt worse for the bronze winner, the Canadian bird who's mother had died the day before, but no sympathy for her, no no, it was alllll about Mao chan.

Now I kinda knew I was going to start something when I pointed out that silver was still good, but I was still on a high from the ume sighting so I was prepared somewhat...

Me: Silver is so good though, at least she got a medal!

SIL: It's shit, she lost to that Korean whore!!! It would have been better for her to get nothing at all than to lose to that kimchi eating bitch!!! (Ok, a bit exaggerated but I swear to god she got a kimchi jibe in there).

Me:........ So the fact that she lost to a Korean is the only thing that is bothering you...

SIL: Helllllll yea!!!

Me: But she was so much better than her, she broke all kinds of records and got an amazing score.

SIL: (Scowls...)

She actually really hates Koreans, it's ridiculous! Ash has been playing with our neighbour who are of Korean descent and he calls his mum and grandma by their Korean title, SIL was making fun of him and saying how funny it sounded until I gently reminded her that Ash calls me Mummy, Ryota Daddy and my mum, Nanna... She couldn't see how it was the same thing. Apparently English is cool so it's totally different.

God she's a twat.

Bent Ohh

or Ben toe...

Whatever you decide to call the bastards, I'm back to making the cunting things!

When I first signed up for the housewife deal, I wasn't sure if I was going to go down the whole bento making, wipe-your-arse-for-you style road, but after trying to make a few bento, I actually didn't mind doing it, my creative flint was sparked and it made me feel less guilty for sitting on my fat arse at home while husband dearest was slogging his guts out for 12 hours a day, 6 days a week.

However... As the months went on, it got colder, and the monster that is my son got progressively worse when it came to sleeping. It actually got so bad at one point that I was waking up at least 10 times a night, if not for him actually waking me up, I would also wake up with the fear and stress that he would wake up any second! Hell. Pure. Fucking. Hell.

So, I pretty much tapered off on the bento making, and as it got really bastard cold, tapered off on getting up altogether and would just give a sleepy kiss and mutter an even sleepier "ganbatte"as Ryota left the warm toasty futon. And I have to say, I felt/feel so fucking bad for him, I know that feeling of utter jealousy and unfairness that comes with having to go to work when some other bastard gets to stay cuddled up in bed. Just before I had Ash, I was working and Ryota wasn't, every morning I would leave the house pissed off because he could sleep and I had to go and teach some little twerps the difference between "bus" and "bath." I just wanted to have a massive tanty and throw a bucket of ice water over him.

So remembering how that felt, and after some clever reverse psychology from Ryota involving him making his own bento and claiming that it was 'fun', I'm back in the genki housewife mode of getting up every morning and making brekky and bento. I also have to add that Ash is sleeping much better, hence me feeling slightly like a normal functioning society member rather than some kind of psycho-bitch zombie. I doubt I'll do it every morning but I should make some kind of effort to justify the fact that I am at this moment snuggled under the kotatsu watching over-dramatic Americans on American Idol while Ash amuses himself with a whisk. Parenting tip 101 right there people!

On a TMI note, just because it's been awhile... Have stopped breast feeding altogether, and as much as I'd like to say that I miss it because of the bonding blah blah blah, I won't bullshit, I'm fucking thrilled!! Having a small human attached to my tit was never that much of a bonding thing for me, more a pain in the arse and an excuse for Ryota to always palm Ash off on to me. The kid was a 12 stepper, wasn't easy but hopefully he won't want to look at any more boobies until he's at least a teenager. The upside of stopping breast feeding: I now have these purty, big, perky boobies. Downside: They hurt like a mother fucker and I know that once they go back to normal, until I get that boob job I've been hankering for, these puppies are going to need a loooottttt of wonderbra action to whip them into shape!

Right, enough titty talk for now, the whisk is losing it's charm...

Do you ever get the feeling...

that you're being watched? Followed? Monitored?





I do, and no, I'm not just another crazy conspiracy theory loon.





I just live in Japan.





Oh and one big thing I forgot to mention. I'm not Japanese...


I don't know if I would consider myself a city girl, the place where I'm from in Australia isn't big city, but definitely not country. When I decided to live in Japan though, I wasn't coming for fresh mountain air and outdoor onsen (although those things are lovely in small doses), I wanted big city lights, conbini on every corner and a smokers cough from all the smog. So Osaka it was! And I wasn't disappointed, Osaka was exactly what I wanted. Sure, there were old dudes pissing in the streets and random men wanknig on my door once in a while, but it was allll worth it.

I met Ryota in a club in Osaka, so you'd think from that beginning it would be a match made in heaven, but noooo Ryota hates Osaka. He hates the people (says they're all nutty), hates the crowds, the packed trains, the rubbish, just generally hates it. So when he came to live with me in Osaka for 6 months, it was pretty much hell for him, he couldn't wait to get back to his Southern Hyogo little haven. And I have to admit, where we live now is not by any means iinaka. There are many conbini, a starbucks and Maccas not too far away, if we lived in an apartment near the station it would be pretty much perfect.

But no. We live in a house on a dirt path. Surrounded by crazy old people.

Seriously, I've never known a place to be crawling with so many old geezers, old nosy geezers at that.

In the past few weeks there seem to have been so many old buggers coming up to me, greeting me like I'm their long lost gaijin grand daughter.

Instance 1#- Old geezer sees me struggling with baby, shopping, nappy bag and general accumulated crap coming out of the car, but no, he doesn't help a white girl out, no on, he stops his bike and chuckles "Ahhh Onechan can drive. Ha Ha Ha!" I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that so said "Sou desu ne" in Japanese and "Useless fucker, don't give me a hand or anything" in English. Would he say that to a random Japanese lady?? OK, I can't really class myself as a lady... But still!

Instance 2#- We go to a real estate agent to look at some properties and the old lady greets me with a massive spiel about how she's seen me sooo many times and was going to invite me in for tea but didn't know if i spoke Japanese. Great, now I'm going to have to go for tea the next time she sees me.

Instance 3#- Old lady comes up to me and tells me how big Ash has gotten. Errr, yup, if I knew you from a bar of soap it would help lady!!! She said she'd always seen me in the supermarket and was amazed that Ash was walking already. I smiled politely but inside I was just thinking, "Fuck now I have to memorise her face so I don't forget her and snob her off next time..."

I mean really, with the fear of sounding just the teeny tiniest bit racist, all these fuckers look the same to me!!! The size of Obachan's Louis Vuitton (see I can't even spell the fucker, let alone buy the whole collection!) bag or how big the wad of spit Occhan hocks up does not help me recognise them. They really expect me to just remember them after a nod in the street or a summimasen in the suupaa?? Maybe I should dye my hair black, get "black" contact lenses and shrink a bit and I might not have this problem.

I really really want to go back to the city where I blend in amongst all the other foreign bodies and am not quite so 'famous,' but convincing Ryota to go back to the city will be near impossible I feel. Oh well, at least I can't bitch about not standing out in a crowd or feeling individual. It does freak me out that I am probably dinner table conversation for some of the local oldies, can just imagine it, "Oh Otoosan, you should have seen that stupid white girl today, she had so much chocolate in her shopping basket the big giant lard arse!!! More boiled fish head...?"

OK, I'm sure they're all very nice, in a passive aggressive kind of way but I'm keen for a bit less fame I think...

Occupy your bitch and Valentine vomit.

Like so many other parents, I rely (heavily) on TV to distract my child.
Despite always thinking what crappy parenting it was before having a kid, I now rarely have anything but The Wiggles in the DVD player. For those of you who have been living under a rock for the last 15 years, (or are possibly just not Australian or don't have kids...) the Wiggles are an Australian group of 4 blokes who all wear a different coloured T-shirt, dance and sing and are incredibly genki and wholesome. Kids under about 5 or 6 are mesmerised by them for some reason. I like to justify plonking Ash in front of them because it's in English and it's also Australian English, so my son won't grow up mimicking the yankee accent that so many toys and TV shows adopt. MIL suggested that he watch Okaasan to issho, but Okaasan to isshyo can blow me because he hears Japanese 24/7 and totally doesn't need any more exposure.

The Wiggles songs are all icredibly catchy, I seriously find myself singing them ALL the fucking time now, and Ryota, good proactive Daddy that he is is, also goes round the house (sometimes naked) dancing and singing Wiggles stuff. It's funny to watch, but even funnier when he fucks up the lyrics..

Real Lyrics to Rockabye your bear:

Hands in the air!

Rockabye your bear!

Bear is now asleep.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

Bear is now asleep.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

Ryota's version of Rockabye your bear:

Hands in the air!

Occupy your bitch!

Bitch is now asleep.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

Bitch is now asleep.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

I loved it even more when he asked me what occupy meant and he told me how it means big tits in Japanese. Gold, pure international marriage gold.

So yesterday was Valentine's day. I think most people think Valentine's day is a big pile of steaming crap, no? If you really love someone, you're not just going to wait for one day to buy them something right?? Ryota was very wary about Valentine's day, and specifically asked me if there was going to be any crying or hissy fits involved if I didn't infact get a present. I assured him that I didn't want/ need a present and he had a free pass for this one but Mother's day was not negotiable and there would indeed be many a hissy fit if nothing was arranged.
So no surprises, he took the free pass and did fuck all.
I did remind him however that if we were going to go Japanese style with V-day I did expect something on white day, to which he groaned and tried to tell me that we would do Valentine's the Japanese way and March would be the western way. Cheeky fucker.

I came through with the Japanese housewife goods and made a fucking awesome four layered cake with cream, strawberries and chocolate icing and also made some strawberry truffles, of course I scoffed a few, but that is beside the point, I did my chocolate duties!
I also went as far to buy a little card and write it, I won't go into details of the message I wrote as I don't want to be liable for potential law suits involving keyboard damage due to vomitting. The reaon I got the card though, was the pre-written message had an evil air bout it, it said ずっといっしょにいよ！❤(Let's be together forever)
I thought it had a nice "You did the crime (knocking up the gaijin) you pay the time" (never getting rid of said gaijin) ring to it. Nothing says I love you more than a card purchased with evil intent.

We went shopping and did see some sickeningly cute gift giving going on, one girl had made this fucking awesome looking chocolate and gave it to her boyfriend at the table of a restaurant. He went bright red and muttered thanks, his embarrassment was probably not helped by Ryota and I giggling at them. Then on the way home I saw a girl dropping off some choccies to her boy, he didn't kiss her goodbye or anything but they both looked well chuffed as she rode away on her bicycle screeching "Baaaaaiiiiiii baaaaaaiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ahhh, young, innocent love, it's all fun and games till someone gets pregnant...

Hope the love was shared around your parts! (Of the world that is.. eww... unintended dirty pun, meh, I'll take it.)

Following on...

From the last post.

Uncle called SIL's keetai late the other night, now when a loved one is in the hospital, any late-ish phone calls are received a bit tensely, so we all were a bit alert when her keetai rang for two reasons:
1) It was 10:30-ish, not exactly late, in the old days I'd just be warming up with a few shots at this time, but on my current grandma time it's getting on.
2) SIL is actually an alien from outer space with no friends and if her keetai ever rings it's pretty unusual and most of the time her mum calling.
So she answers with a tense "Moshi moshi" and we were all ear wigging to see what the go was. You could have picked my jaw up from the floor when she started giving him fucking cooking instructions. PPPPPUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you know, if he was asking how he could get his souffle to rise, or even asking about something as piss easy as curry it might have been forgivable, but no no, he was asking how to................................................................ drum roll please........................................................................


BOIL

A

FUCKING

EGG.

An egg! The title of the dish is pretty much self-explanatory, you take an EGG, and you BOIL the fucker! He wasn't even asking about a soft boiled egg where it can be tricky to get the white firm and the yellow gooey, fair play, there's a science to that shit. But no, hard boiled egg where all you have to do is boil the shit out of it and then run it under cold water.

I was astounded and suspect that he was actually calling with such a ridiculous question as a code for "I'm so pathetic, come and cook me something bitch!" Luckily SIL is a little slow and didn't read into it that much. I then announced that Ash will probably be able to boil an egg by his next birthday (well not quite) if I had anything to do with it, but was shushed with cries of "Occhan kawaisou!!!!" (The old bloke can't help it, poor thing!!!!)

SIL even had to tell him to not forget to put water in the pan, stupid old git probably would have just chucked the eggs in with nothing else!

Loved the comments on the last post, thanks ladies! Girl power!!!! *Gets the urge to put put on a Spice girls song and do a dance... And pipe down Mr Salary man, your foreign pampered arse is no good here...

And now, on a totally unrelated topic, here are some photos, just because it's been awhile.

Whaddaya mean this is my name, everyone calls me A-shoo-tonne!

Rain boots and backpack!!! Wooooooo!

Errr, Mum, why didn't you just buy me a cake like all the other good J-mums!? Still wanna stick my fingers in it though.....