An ode to SIL...

Oh SIL, how doth thou annoy me, let me count the ways...

OK, enough with the shakespeary talk because I don't even know if that is right!

It has become clear now that the main attraction of my blog is not me, (the diva star of the whole flipping show) not Ryota, (although with his lists and cockiness is a close second) not Ash, (the chubby little halfuuu who is used to getting all the attention) but my SIL, with her blatant racism, weirdness and general ridiculousness! Well, the people have spoken, so today is a tribute post to her in bullet point form, reminding you of just how much of a freak she is, and also some new opinions and comments that have recently spewed from her mouth...

• SIL's real name is Uru, a very unusual name in Japan, but her family call her Uuko, which resembles the word Unko (shit) so I guess her name really is quite fitting!


• I have mentioned this many times before, but seriously, the weird and freaky obsession with the family dog is not getting any better. She not only lets him sniff and lick her used underwear, (GAG!!!!! ) but she also has claimed she will eat him when he dies so he can stay inside her forever, gives him full on mouth kisses quite frequently and further minces his already minced dog food with her bare hands. The girl has got a problem.


• When asked about the gaijin rights issues, she said that if gaijin couldn't speak Japanese then they shouldn't be entitled to anything. Harsh much?


• She also said that western gaijin from America, Australia etc. were waaaaaay different from Asian gaijin, she said that Asian gaijin only marry Japanese blokes for their money or a visa and should not be allowed to come to Japan, she firmly believes there should be a law in place so that if, say, a Korean woman really falls in love with a Japanese man, they should live in Korea and keep their filthy Asian ways out of this fair country. (Her words, not mine!)


• The tattoo debate was a little more disappointing, she is very open minded on tattoos and actually wants to get one on her arm, can you guess what of!? Ohhhhh yes, the dog's name, which is Ralph in normal people language, but has morphed into some horribly twisted Japanese katakana concoction of Ra-ru or Ra-chan, so she has decided if she ever gets a tattoo, it will be R A R U in a love heart. Kill. Me. Now.


• Her boss (she works in a nail salon) will come to the school for a lesson on Monday, which is great! But SIL has given me a lecture on what to say about her Korean roots. Her boss's great Grandparents were Korean, and I tell you, this KILLS SIL, the fact that she is working for a 'Korean' woman must stab her every time she clocks in. The woman's name is Hitomi, yeah, reaaaalllll Korean!


• She has a horribly habit of lately coming in to our house like some sort of stealth spy, opening the door sooo quietly and then just sneaking in, she did this yesterday when I happened to be passed out on the floor trying to cool down after my run in nothing but my bright pink bonds undies. Fucking make some noise when you come in girl!!!!


• She considered taking Ash to the pool with her but made the statement of "Hmmm I don't think I'll take him, if he dies or something I'll be to blame..."


• Last week she gave Ash coffee. Right before bed. Who the fuck gives a 1 year old coffee anyway!!!??? I have now enforced a strict NO COFFEE FOR THE BABY rule.


• I still think she is a closeted lesbian and am just waiting for the day she comes out to Grandma. Despite using the cover of loving Kimutaku, I know it must be lesbianism or beastiality, one of the two.

OK, let's leave it there for today, there is lots more but I'll save it for another tribute post. I say she annoys me but I shouldn't diss her too much, she's offered to take Ash to a bon odori tonight while I get on the lash with Sassymoo, so thank you for not only looking after my son (NO FUCKING COFFEE!!) but also for the blog material SIL!

Temporary technical eye difficulties...

OK, was going to do a big long post about SIL as promised complete with pictures of her humping her dog but the weirdest thing is happening to my eye. Just the left one is like it's filled with water, but doesn't hurt, like I don't need to blink, it's just like my sight is all .... watery...?! What the fuck, am I about to have a heart attack or something!? Is it really fatty food withdrawal!? It's scaring the fuck out of me, maybe I shouldn't spend too much time staring at computer screens and my iphone... The watery effect does resemble the little symbol on the iphone when it's loading a page. Scary.

Anyway, so yeah, will be a quickie, I promise SIL hilarity soon though.

I'm not usually one for sharing baby stories on my blog, I find most of them slightly boring, I can only imagine how mind-numbing it must be for someone reading about them, but there was a point this morning that I just have to share with you.
First of all I should say, having a child has been the most life altering, stressful, sometimes wonderful, sometimes horrific experience of my life. But sometimes, not often, but often enough, there is a moment where you go, "Oh fuck, having him was so worth it, just for this moment!"

Ash and I were still snuggled up under the covers this morning with air con blasting (bite me eco people, try living in Osaka heat for a while and see how you go!) and savouring that last 15 minutes snuggling before we had to wake up. Ryota had gone downstairs earlier to get ready for work and I was awake but not ready to get up, Ash was in that cuddly, but almost waking up stage. Anyway, Ash stretches and lets a massive fart rip, like it was an adult sounding fart, huge! I had a giggle but was totally shocked when he got up on his knees, eyes still closed, held his nose in a 'that fucking stinks' motion, pointed to Ryota's futon and said "DADDY!!" Then went back to sleep!

How awesome is my kid!? He blames someone else for farting, IN HIS SLEEP! I must admit, Ryota is the main farting offender in our house, so I shouldn't be surprised, but it was just one of those times where you think to yourself, 'Fuck me I love this kid.'

OK, must go, heart attack imminent, think I'll go close my eyes for a few minutes and see how I go!

Must be the cholesterol withdrawls...

because I'm feeling particularly mushy today!

I even cried when I watched Grey's anatomy this morning, I HATE Grey's fucking anatomy!

The past few days I've been feeling a little bit empty and flat, one of my friends who is just nothing but a wonderful person has had some fucking awful shitty crap thrown at her lately, she knows who she is, and most of you probably reading this know too, and if you don't know then it's not really important, but fuck, after all that I don't really know if I know myself now.
Anyway, the shitty stuff she's going through has been weighing on my mind, but the gaijin wifey/mummy/girl power community has really stepped up, and I'm so proud to be a part of a group that is not often seen that much but really knows how to support each other. I'm glad that if anything fucked up ever happened to me, I wouldn't have my family here, but I'd have the gaijin ladies ready and willing to support me/bash someones skull in etc. etc.

I've heard about bitchiness within the gaijin lady community before but honestly I've never seen anything but support in times when people really need it. So I'd like to take this opportunity to say that you are all awesome! *sniff!

OK, mushiness out of the way, let me give myself a firm slap across the face for 1) being so emotional and girly! and 2) for totally being Japanese and following the crowd. Yes, like so many other gaijin bloggers such as Gaijin wife, Fi and Sara, I too have ordered the 30 day shred in an attempt to whip my lardy arse into shape for my best friend's wedding this time next year. I have to be a bridesmaid with possibly the skinniest girl you've ever seen who's not anorexic, so the pressure is on! I sweat at least a thigh off this morning when I ran 6km in the blazing heat, but running is not enough, I need muscle tone and definition if I'm going to stand a chance next to skinny bitch (she's actually really nice, but still...)

So we'll see, also, another motivation to get healthier was my blood test results that I got back yesterday from when I donated blood. They had my results from a bit over 2 years ago on the little postcard too from when I donated blood in that small window between meeting Ryota and getting preggers. I'm happy to report all is within normal range, and livery functiony stuff is down from 2 years ago, (not surprising as I pretty much lived on Vodka and onigiri then...) and everything that should be down is down, apart from... da dummmmm, cholesterol, that sneaky little fucker!
My mum has insanely high cholesterol so I have to be careful, and even though it was still way within normal range, it was definitely up from last time (again, vodka and onigiri are probably quite good cholesterol-wise...) so my aim is to get cholesterol down, muscle up and be generally healthier. I wonder how much cholesterol is in Marshmallows, those squishy little bastards can't be good for me sooooo, my goal this week is to not even look at a marshmallow and to stick to 3 meals a day. If I set too many goals I'll never stick to them so that's it. Baby steps and all that.

The 'gaijin rights' discussion flared up again last night, and just because I'm a blog-content whore, I asked SIL for her opinion, but I'll save that for tomorrow when I will do a special tribute post to SIL and her ridiculous ways. You don't want to miss some of the garbage that comes out of her mouth, seriously!

Buggery bastard thing(s)...

cluttering my genkan... Which happens to be tampon packet free today, just in case you were wondering.

Yes, the famous surfboard that so much blood, sweat and tears were wasted on arrived today, which is pretty much a 100% guarantee that I won't see Ryo-chan this weekend, meh, boys and their toys. Notice the perfectly good other surfboard in it's little protective condom behind the new one!

Not much happening today, had usual broom swapping shenannigans with Grandma this morning, and her giving Ash toys in the morning has come back to bite her in the arse! I mentioned that Ash took a soil covered dog the other morning, well apparently it was a part of a set that some iinaka relative sent Grandma, not that it's worth anything, but if said country bumpkin relative happens to come to the house to pray for Grandad's soul or something, the missing dog will definitely be noticed. So Grandma asked me about it this morning and I genuinely have no idea where it is, possibly in a rice field, at kindy somewhere or buried under the huge toy pile in our house. I felt like saying "That will teach you to give Ash things on his way to kindy now won't it!" in a supernanny voice but poor Grandma actually looked concerned so I eased up on her and said I'd take a squiz around the place for it. St gaijin I am and all.

Apart from that life is pretty dull, August is pretty slow school-wise, everyone going on Summer vacation trips just to make me jealous and stuff.

I'm feeling slightly flat after a fight...hmmm ok let's not say fight, but heated discussion Ryo-chan and I had last night which kind of carried on until this morning. Basically, we were talking about gaijin and their rights here, even when they've been living here a long time and have a half-blood kiddy. He was saying gaijin have just as many rights as Japanese and that they can access all areas just as well as Japanese, where as I tend to disagree.

I know there are systems in place (let's face it, there is a flipping system for everything here) but in reality, it is almost impossible for gaijin to be equal to Japanese. We were talking about child support, and that it was not easy for gaijin married to Japanese to get it in the case of a messy divorce because they would have to stay in the country to get it, and with no cushy jikka AKA mother's vagina to crawl back into, (eww sorry!) it was basically impossible. The whole in-law house was against me, and I get what they're saying, but I really feel it's not the same. I don't know, thoughts? Am I being an over-defensive outsider who should just chill the fuck out? I also brought up the fact that if a gaijin is married to a Japanese and their spouse dies they no longer have rights to a spousal visa. Bit of a worry when my husband surfs every weekend in summer, (sharks!) snowboards in winter, (avalanches!) smokes a pack a day, drives like a maniac and is generally a bit of a twat that doesn't think before he acts.

Bastard better not die on me, I need that visa!

Bit of Grandma aggro.

Grandma and I have such a love hate relationship.

She loves it when I agree with her on certain issues such as the fact that MIL should definitely go to the doctors more often when her face gets swollen and she can't move. (Surprisingly I'm often the only one in Grandma's corner, everyone says things like, "You're going a bit senile Obaachan, it's OK!") But she hates it when I don't do things her way, read old school Japanese way.

On my side, on the whole, I love her. I don't have a Grandma of my own, never have had so she's the closest I'm ever going to get and when she's not annoying the shit out of me, she's not so bad. I would genuinely be upset if she did happen to kick the bucket any time soon. (Although unlikely, she's a tough old bird.)

But..... There are a few things that really really do make me want to take one of her Grandma slippers and bop her on the head sometimes, not really hard, just a little slap.
Take for instance, the broom. Let's call it the 'broom of doom' just for dramatic effect shall we. Like most domestic goddesses in Japan, I sweep out my genkan quite regularly, this morning among the general shoe dust, a small plastic beetle, several receipts and a tampon wrapper (WTF!?) had made their way into the genkan too. Not the nicest welcoming present when guests come in, so like most days I went to sweep.
I went to get the broom and it wasn't where I left it, right outside the door, but I knew exactly where it would be because Grandma moves it EVERY. FUCKING. TIME! Why she feels the need to move it from where I've put it is really beyond me, and I could be mature and just put it in 'her' spot, (a hook around the corner) but why would I walk a few more steps than I have to in bastard heat?? Gaijin laziness perhaps?? I'm guessing it's because there is a specific hook for the broom in Grandma's spot, where as I just lean it up against the little wall thingey. Who knows, but after I'd finished sweeping this morning I put it in my spot, and I swear to god, not 10 minutes later she'd stealthed in and moved the fucker. Leave my fucking broom alone woman!!!!

Another sore point with Grandma and I is the daily struggle of getting Ash to willingly get in the bike to go to kindy in the mornings. Now, for a 1 and a half year old, Grandma's house is just like one big toy, beetles, bikes, various toys with his name scribbled on them. Just generally a haven for small boys. So I get that he doesn't really want to leave in the morning, hell I wouldn't either if I was him, but Grandma feels the best way to stop him crying is to give him various toys to take with him. This is bad for a few reasons:

1) There has been more than one occasion where he has gotten bored of the toy on the way to kindy and chucked it away, this has resulted in one time where I went arse over trying to pick up the damn pink shovel off the road and balance bike and small child at the same time, AND another time where he biffed a toy car straight into a rice paddy. It was then that I decided that toys and bicycles do not mix well.
2) If the toy makes it to kindy, he doesn't want to let it go as he goes into protective mode from all the other kids. This causes the teachers to give me disapproving looks at the outside toy being brought in to their germ-free environment AND yesterday he was clutching a dog ornament covered in soil, not good for clean carpets.

I have tried to explain these things to Grandma on numerous occasions but she simply "Shushes" me with a few rounds of "Kawaisouuuuuu" That fucking word is the thorn in my big gaijin side I tell you!

So, today I made the decision to have no toys with us on the way to kindy? Harsh? Perhaps but he is going from one toy filled place to another, I'm not exactly Hitler right!

I'm sure Grandma will have much to say on the issue but she can shove the toy and the broom up her clacker if she doesn't like it... Oooooo gaijin got balls, threatening an 82 year old hunched over woman....

Ohhhhh, so that's why I have (insert sickness here)

Duh! Being foreign was the problem all along!

Got a cold? Foreign!
Got piggy flu? Definitely foreign!
Got a fungal foot disease- Foreign! Foreign! Foreign!!!

I happen to have sinusitis, which happens to be the most mother fucking painful son of a cock in the history of man. I felt like I had a big hurty ball of pain on the right of my forehead which was all swollen and hurt to touch. But being a sucker for pain, I kept poking it anyway! Big mistake, the more you poke the more tears spring to your eyes.
If I hadn't had sinusitis before I seriously would have thought it was a tumour of some description, looking at light hurt, computer screen hurt, talking hurt. Was awful.

But seeing as though I've had sinusitis before, I know it's not a tumour but actually a massive ball of infected mucus stuck in your sinus, and I also know it never gets better without meds so the quicker you get to the docs the better.

So, in between lessons on Saturday morning, off I went to my local ear nose and throat geezer. The doctor on Thursday afternoons is very very good looking so I always try and aim for Thursdays but Saturdays is Doctor Panda, because, well he looks like a big cuddly panda with a gimpy eye, but he's nice enough. Anyway, I told him it was that old familiar pain of sinusitis but he gave me an x-ray just to be sure to suck all the money he could out of me and possibly to justify the reason he gave me for actually having sinusitis again...

DR PANDA: Ahhhhh, yes, you're right, there is a big ball of white stuff here... It will probably spread to your cheeks quite soon...

ME: (Thinking, 'hmmmm comforting, cheek pain too, goody!') Oh... Is there a reason I get sinusitis so much do you think? (I was thinking more along the lines of too much air con or not enough snot blowing or something...)

DR PANDA: Errr, ummm, yes! There is a reason!! Foreigners have longer sinusey boney thingies so are far more susceptible to getting it!!! Us Japanese have extremely small squished bones, no room for infected mucus in our tiny heads!

No shit, he actually said that was the reason I kept getting sick! What the fuck!?

But as I said, Dr Panda is nice enough and the meds he give me always work, plus he gives me double strong pain killers because he knows Japanese medicine is always too weak for a strapping foreign lass like me, soooooo I'll forgive him and his Mickey mouse medical degree!

I did it!

Yup, I blogged every single day in July! And even though it's august, ive decided to give blogging a go every day if I can, although the Sunday phone blog is pretty annoying so may make Sunday the day of bloggy rest...

But stay tuned, because coming up in august we have...

-due to popular demand, sil's view on the tattoo debate..
-more of sil's general racism and freakiness...
-one j-doctor's theory on big boned gaijin..
-the fun and games of dead geezers coming home for a few days..

And much much more!

In the meantime, here are some random photos from the lovely sleepover we had!































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