30

Well I turned 30 and I didn't turn into a pumpkin or anything! It was actually a really good weekend, apart from the bit where I was going out for a few drinks and Ryota chucked a minor hissy fit about me leaving him with the kids and accused me of being a bad mother. I was almost guilted into not going too, but I did in the end. I know how he feels, I leave him with the kids a lot when I'm working but he can't seem to get the fact that I'm WORKING. If I went out every night, or even every weekend on the piss then he'd have grounds to be a little bitch, but I rarely go out on  anymore so it really pisses me off that he would say that. It was all good in the end anyway.

So here is my life in a nutshell until now. Kinda scary...

0-5- I was the 2nd daughter of my British parents in Australia. White, privileged, semi-rich. My parents were both 40 when I was born so I had a pretty tame childhood.

5-12- I went to the local primary school and was a generally normal whitie. I wasn't really that smart, but always diligent and not a total dummy. Lived with Mum, Dad and older sister in the same house since I was born.

11- My sister was a total rebel and amid a blaze of fights with my Dad, moved out of home when she was 16. I felt kind of like an only child from that point. My sister was stubbornly independent so my parents poured a lot into me.

12-18- Went to the local high school and was all round average as regards to study. Again, not dumb, but not smart. I was kind of nerdy in the early years but in the end got in with the "cool" crowd and went drinking on Friday nights and stuff. I was chubby all through high school, I've always been fucking tall and usually chubby. I worked part time at a clothing shop on weekends for extra cash. Studied Japanese by chance at high school and came to Japan for the first time on a school trip for 3 weeks when I was 15. I loved my time here and I think in some ways had already decided I wanted to come back, if not live here one day.

18-21- Got into University for an arts degree and studied Japanese, just because there was absolutely nothing else that interested me. Actually university didn't really interest me, I used to go to classes and then get the fuck out as soon as I could, the only friends I really made there were ones from high school. Met my boyfriend (at a club, not at uni!) who I fell totally in love with. Looking back, maybe that's why I wasn't really interested in uni, all my time was spent with my boyfriend! Said boyfriend and I were together all through uni, until he took a job on an island very fucking far away. It was the plan that I would graduate and then join him or he would come back.

21- My beloved boyfriend dumped my arse on my 21st birthday. Looking back now, I was devastated, but I also was a chubby fucker with little to no self esteem who had only really loved one person. Still, it hit me hard, and I had to decide what the hell to do after I graduated. I contemplated working my shitty part time job full time, but the thought of going to uni when I didn't really want to, only to not use my degree at all was kind of depressing, so I decided to try an interview with NOVA to come to Japan. I got it (Anyone got a job with NOVA at that point, not that I knew that).
I went to Japan scared shitless but feeling slightly like I had fuck all to lose after having my heart broken. I moved in with a bitchy Australian girl and another awesome Australian girl, thank God for the good one, if it had just been the bitch I never would have stayed.

22-24- I drank these 2 years away with a drinking buddy, moved out of the NOVA house and into my own flat, and pretty much worked and drank. So fucking fat with all the drinking and bad food. I HATED men too, I vowed I was never going to date again. I think I needed that time though. At about 23 my drinking buddy and I decided to do a 10km run, I can't remember why, just to see if we could do it maybe...? And we did, and my love of running (which I'd always hated with a passion) began. I also lost lots of weight and screwed lots of guys, a few Japanese, but mostly bar hopping foreigners. It was a fun, but pretty messed up time for me!

24- I met Ryota at a club and we instantly started dating, it was bliss and I remember thinking, "Fuck I'm fucking falling in love again!" 2 months of bliss and my period was late, a home test said "pregnant" and my life was to change forever. Ryota hadn't even said "I love you" yet and we were talking about when we should get married, it was surreal. We went to a clinic in Osaka to check I was actually pregnant and to discuss options, but after hearing about abortion, (to which I've always been/ still am pro-choice) we went for hamburgers and I just couldn't stop crying whenever I thought about it. Strange, because I would think I would instantly consider abortion in that situation, it just wasn't an option for me, plus Ryota wasn't keen on an abortion but said he's support me whatever.

25- I quit my job and went back to Australia for 3 months for Ash to be born. The birth and motherhood in general was the hardest thing I'd ever attempted, I wasn't a natural by any means. Ryota worked for a small landscaping company which had it's good points but the work wasn't reliable and the hours were long. I took a year off to see if I was the housewife type. We also needed a place to live, and by a stroke of luck (or not perhaps) the house opposite Grandma's house was empty and the owner was very happy for us to live there and pay 30,000 yen a month rent (dirt cheap for a house).

26- I wasn't. I think the year I took off with Ash was the most boring and hard of my life. Not only is being a stay at home mum exhausting, it also has very little rewards or appreciation, so I started looking for private students to teach at McDonald's. And I got more than I could handle and decided that when Ash was 1, I was either going back to my old job, or I was going to start my own school. And so we got Ash into kindy and started searching for a place to rent. It took a long time and we looked at so many places, but finally decided on a place near our house that had been deserted for the past 10 years. It was a daunting decision, but there really wasn't that much risk involved, we forked out about $10,000 to renovate the space but apart from that and the furniture there wasn't that much invested.

26-28- I worked hard to build up the school and raise Ash, it was busy at times but I also knew I wanted more than one kid, so I couldn't focus everything on the school until I was sure I was done popping out kids. It was then that I went off the pill and little Bailey was made, I got pregnant in a month, I thought Ash might have been a fluke but no, I'm just really damn fertile.

28- Bailey was born and I never stopped working, because even when you get another teacher in, you never stop working when it's your own school. Ryota and I went through the toughest time of our marriage and I actually thought I was going to join the shotgun marriage statistic majority and be a divorcee with 2 little kids. We got an offer to buy our house for a ridiculously cheap price and took the chance. At the pace we're going it will be paid off next year.

29- Was all about the school and raising the kiddies.

30- So the next step?? Keep the school going, keep the kids alive, try not to end up divorced. And I actually want another baby, as fucking mental as it is. Can't help those damn motherly instincts.

Oct-fuck-off-ober

October kicks my arse all over the place. It's long and it involves lots of work that goes into the school Halloween party, which despite all the effort and money spent, was well worth it and I actually managed to enjoy myself this year!

October seems to be a busy month in general for the school, lots of new students which is great, but just means between housework and kid raising I have very little time to myself. Although I say that, I've somehow managed a 4-day weekend starting from 11 tomorrow, partly by luck and partly because it's my 30th birthday so I took Saturday off. I have mixed feelings about turning 30, in some ways I'm looking forward to the next stage of my life, but I sometimes can't help feeling like I wasted the first half of my 20's getting drunk and collapsing on Izakaya floors, and the second half being pregnant and with kids! The realisation that I've spent ALL my 20's in Japan is kind of frightening too... Woah...

There has been very little to blog about, Ryota and I have been getting on well, almost too well, almost too well to the point I suspect him cheating or something, but I think as we get older we just learn how to piss each other off less, a good thing, I'm actually only just starting to kind of enjoy and appreciate being married. Bizarre, only took me 5 years... It could also be the fact that h bit the bullet and bought a truck to start his own business, which he knows won't happen if I don't support him for probably about a year. I've decided to stop with the fucking negativity, know if he fails then he can just get another job and I make enough money for us anyway, and that I should let him try because otherwise we'd always wonder what could have been. So he quits at the end of the year, that's also a scary/exciting new chapter to look forward to!

Everyone else is pretty much the same Ryota and I work, look after the kids, dog-fucker lounges around the house, MIL is still kinda crazy, and BIL is still the same old lazy shit but with a disability excuse and Grandma keeps on keeping on, never seems to get old and frail that woman!

So I'm hoping for more blogging time now that October is over, not promising anything but if something exciting happens I'll be sure to jot it down. I think I should write something about turning 30, maybe I'll do a break-down of my life so far in case I go senile and I want some kind of reminder of my life so far. I should get tanked before I write it, it will be may more interesting.

Dog fucker fireworks, part II

And they don't involve me, score!

Dog fucker and I are on basic terms now, as in we're not chatty, but we're not ignoring each other. This suits me, I'm good with fake harmony.

This week has been full of fireworks though, this time with the rare combo of dog fucker and little brother. Dog fucker has had a fight with basically all of us, big ones with Ryota, me and to a certain extent mother-in-law, but usually little brother stays out of it (probably because he's fighting for his life most the time, but still).

Back story, so it's been 6 months since little brother collapsed and was pretty much near death, so he went to the big hospital in Osaka for a check and assessment where the Doctor didn't mince words and pretty much told him although he was lucky to be alive, that he was pretty much fucked and due to his IQ being 59 (the norm is about 90 apparently) he was officially classed as mentally disabled. Now maybe I'm a bit too positive, but I was like "That's good news! It means you can get benefits if you can't work!" and I was serious, it would be great if he can have a normal life, but if he can't because he's genuinely disabled then at least he'll be entitled to something from the government. But he didn't see it like that and got quite depressed and... angry? with life in general. So everyone was kind of stepping on eggshells around him and being careful with what they said.

So Grandma's house is under reform, not professionally or anything, just new kitchen stuff and DIY jobs, Ryota replaced the roof vents and other little shit, then little brother and dog fucker, being the only able bodied ones who aren't working full time, were in charge of painting the kitchen. So apparently, little brother started getting things ready and was ordering dog fucker around in a very high and mighty manner (according to her but she's fucking mental, so who knows). It then escalated to him throwing a roll of masking tape at her, to her throwing a fry pan at him (crazy fucking bitch!) and him grabbing her and throwing her across the kitchen.

Fucking mental, the lot of them!

I'm inclined to not believe dog fucker, just because I don't like her, but her arm was covered in bruises which was a little worrying. She went to Ryota and asked him to talk to little brother but we think his anger at his own situation might be coming out in various ways and talking to him might not even do any good. I don't know though, I think that his IQ was the same as when before he collapsed, he's never been the sharpest tool in the shed, and I'm convinced he's no dumber than he was before! It's just there is a number put on it now! He's maybe a bit slower, as in physically, but that's about it to me...

Anyway, there is lots going on at the moment as in family fighting, but nothing really to do with me which makes for boring blog fodder. Ryota and I are... good?! No threats of divorce from me for at least the last few months and we're being very reasonable with each other, kinda freakin' me out! Work is busier than ever and I'm getting ready for my mammoth Halloween party, hopefully something blog worthy will happen soon though!

Loco in Hyogo!

OK, Loco in Yokohama but through the wonders of modern technology, Loco came into my living room for an intimate little chit chat. Ain't modern gizmos grand?!

 

But in all seriousness,writing a book, like most big achievements in life, is something that few people will ever get round to actually doing. In the blogging world it’s even more frustrating, because there are people all over the place who love writing, but they can never push their lazy arses beyond the safety of a blog. Loco, already famous round these here parts, needs no introduction. He is not only talented but he has had the will and drive to write not one, but two books in what seems to me to be a very short amount of time to me. Maybe he has a warehouse full of Japanese girls in mini-skirts and false eyelashes typing for him, who knows. But I have come to respect and ponder his opinions and take on all things Japan, plus I share his love of ramen so how could we not get along. I asked him a few questions before, but here are 7 more minutes in heaven with Loco! (Don’t be a cunt, buy his book!)

 

1)    So Loco, another book?? What, one published masterpiece wasn’t enough for you??

Nah...won't be satisfied until my name becomes synonymous with the best writing on life in Japan for non-Japanese on the market, my name goes down in history as one of the finest writers of our time, and I can pay off my debts with money to spare. I suspect I'm gonna need a few more masterpieces before I achieve any of the above. That's of course, accepting the premise that my first book and this one are masterpieces, which I'm too superstitious to do. I'll leave that to the readers to decide. But thanks for the vote of confidence. Coming from a talented writer like you, that means a lot!

 

2)    What makes this book different to the first one?

Well, the first book was about the racist inclinations I've experienced (and seen in others) over the course of my entire life, a pretty extensive and unsparing study on a personal level. This new book is nothing like that. It begins and remains in nearly the present, and its focus is not directly on race (though as a foreigner living in Japan as it stands, pretty much race, to some degree, is a factor in practically every equation whether we want to acknowledge / accept that fact or not) but on relationships. I believe ones experience here, and everywhere, depends a great deal on the relationships one forms, and this book deals directly with the relationships I've formed through working here as a teacher, with both the students and the teachers. 

3)    Why should we buy your books and not just read your blog?

Actually, you should do both, if you're so inclined. While the material in the book is derived from material that once graced the pages of my blog (I pulled it a couple of years back in anticipation of this), unless you're a long-term reader of the blog, this material will be entirely new to you. And even if you are a long-time reader, the blog version of these stories were like a first draft parceled out in morsels. I've weaved those stories into a cohesive hole, which I believe is a great deal more substantial than the sum of its parts. Again I'll leave it to those handful of readers who have been down with Loco in Yokohama since its inception-- assuming they even recall these tales-- to decide if I've done them justice in the editing process.

 

 

4)    Due to the wonders of social media I’ve been seeing some video shenanigans going on, what’s all this about?? I’m guessing this is good news for those of us with short attention spans?

Indeed! Your boy, Loco has been putting together something of a documentary-style book trailer. I don't want to give too much away, but I was motivated by a need to know what kind of impact my presence here in Japan has made among Japanese people, and so it will contain candid interviews with a dozen or so Japanese people giving their impressions of Loco. I won't say it'll be ideal for those with attention spans as short as squirrels, but if you can sit through an entertaining and enlightening 10-15 minutes of real talk from real folk, in nihongo (subtitled of course), you're sure to enjoy this!

5)    Describe your life in Japan in 5 words.

Hilarious, Hortative, Humbling, Hypocritical and Hentai (just kidding...kinda) I mean Hygienic.

 

6)    Your material is focused a lot on racism, (Do I sound racist asking that question?!) how do you think your experience in Japan / as a writer would be different if you were white?
If I were white??? Well, that's a difficult question. I can't even imagine how I'd view , or how I'd be viewed, in the world, let alone Japan, if I were white. The way I see white, as I explained in my first book, is as varied as black. I don't even think nationality can quite limit the mindsets that fall under that umbrella term white. I approach people as individuals, not as a member of a race, and I expect the same courtesy and consideration in return... It took a great many years and experiences to get to that frame of mind, and that approach to humanity. I thought I had gotten to a point when I was incapable of going back to the mindset where I'd see not only race but make certain presumptions about the person based on that racial designation. That was a much simpler task in New York, I gotta tell ya. It was once I moved to Japan that I found myself slowly and insidiously ceasing to do that, and ultimately viewing Japanese through a single racial lens, that I realized a great deal about myself. And that was one of the issues that prompted me to write the book, "Hi! My Name is Loco and I am a Racist".

But, from what I've observed and learned of Japanese ideas about and treatment of so-called white people, I would imagine that if I were white, but still somehow me (which is, I think, impossible) I would like to think I'd realize that I've actually been given the rare opportunity to view privilege from another perspective, from an underprivileged point of view. What it feels like to be on the business end of stigmatization, asserted generalizations, or even undeserved aggrandizement and worship. As a writer, what would I do with that amazing gift? This Jonathan Swift's Gulliver-esque slant on the world? Again, I'd like to think I'd use it to help people understand how those privileges came to be, the inherent responsibilities of being privileged, and the likeliness and dangers of abusing said privileges. And perhaps I'm guilty of being as overly critical or highly sensitive as Swift when it comes to human nature. But that's just me imagining.

7)    So what’s next? World tour? Japan tour? Another book? Give us a sneak peek!

Well, another book, and another, and another, until I'm satisfied, which I can't imagine I'll ever be. A world tour would be nice. Let's see how this book does. I still think the first book hasn't reached its fullest potential yet. A Japan tour seems likely, but again I have to wait until the reviews are in. People ultimately hold my fate as a writer in their hands. If people demand the world know of me, then that will happen. If they insist I vanish into obscurity, than that too will happen. Happens all the time. I'm of the mind that my job as a writer is to seek truth through writing. In my first book, as readers learned, I'm not afraid to "go there" and to do so with purpose and forthrightness. I've done so again with this book, I believe. As I will with my next project, which is essentially an un-scholarly black history book written from a personal perspective, unrelated to Japan this time. We'll see if the world wants a piece of Loco!

 Thanks again for having me, Corinne! You're the best, and I know most of the people charmed by and able to fully appreciate your brilliance and frankness are pretty damn cool, too. When my "Japan Tour" comes through your neck of the woods, expect me to pop up at your door one day bearing gifts.

 

As I've mentioned before, Loco is a perfect gentleman, I've never had the pleasure of meeting him in real life but it would be an honour to do so!

New ventures

I'm all about stability. Security. Safe. Constant.

Which is why I fit in so well in Japan (despite totally sticking out). I don't necessarily like the old 'nail that sticks out' philosophy, but honestly, I'm comfortable enough with it. Which kind of negates my foreignness here to be honest, I'm not meant to agree with the whole lemming ideology, I'm foreign! I'm meant to be loud and obnoxious and disagree! And on some things I do, but on most things, I'm quite contented to keep my big mouth firmly shut and keep going.

So why the hell did I marry Ryota who is the total opposite?!?! Oh that's right, I was preggers... Oops.

But then maybe I got to thinking that it wasn't just because I got pregnant, maybe it was because if I married someone totally similar to me, I'd get bored, or get stuck in a rut and go slightly mental...? Nah, it probably was just because I got pregnant, but it's nice to romanticise the whole thing sometimes...

So Ryota has never been a 'same company for life' guy, he's not a salary man, which is the first step I guess. Once Ash was born he started working for the city, which was his way of trying to settle down, but he's just not cut out for the Japanese way of licking your boss' arsehole for 40 years until you get your pension. I'm not all that bothered about the arsehole licking, if I liked my job, it paid reasonable well and I was generally happy I think I could be a salary man type. Which is weird considering now Ryota has the stable arse licking job and I have my own business prone to risk and sudden changes.

I like owning my own school though, I wouldn't change it for anything, which is where we have a slight hiccup. Maybe not even a hiccup, but a hiccup of sorts for a person like me who is prone to worry about change. At the moment, I earn more than Ryota, but my income isn't stable, it can fall and rise from month to month. It never varies that much, but it very well could and I'm aware of this. Where as Ryota's salary is constant, we can always depend on it, bar him falling out of a tree while cutting it or something like that. And the hiccup comes when Ryota wants to quit his job AKA my security blanket, and go out on his own.

And the thing that is making it so hard, is that I'm sure he'll be successful, maybe more successful than me, but any business is a risk. My business was/is a risk, but we always had Ryota's salary to fall back on if anything happened. If Ryota starts his own business in all likelihood we'll have two successful businesses and more money that we do now, but there will also be factors like his starting up period when the pressure is on me, the fact that winter will be an off season for him, and just the general stress of being a two business household.

So it freaks me out a little! Although there is BIG money in his type of work, just recently he did a one and a half day job for ￥60,000, and that is the cheap end!
I want to support him, and relaying my fears of the risks come across as negativity, so I'm reluctant, especially when he's always supported my efforts with the school. Maybe blogging those fears will make it a bit easier.

I've become more and more safe as I get older, no more tattoos, roller coasters have started to scare me a bit, I worry about sleeping with my shoulders bare, but maybe I just have to say, "fuck it" and not worry about the risks, there is part of me that realises his and/or my failures would lead to a new adventure anyway.

Keeping the peace

So it has been over 2 months that dog fucker and I have been fighting, which is long for me! It helped that I really don't like her so I didn't feel guilty at all. I did feel guilty for Ryota, MIL and Grandma though, I know first hand how stressful it can be to live in an environment where you're torn between two fighting family members.

So we've been civilly ignoring each other lately, but there were more fireworks on Friday night when I did a late night coffee run and managed to totally piss dog fucker off. I asked if anyone wanted anything, but I asked MIL, so it looked like I was asking MIL and not dog-fucker. I get that she thought I was being hostile by not asking her directly (because I kinda was) but what the fuck else did she expect me to do?? "Hmmm haven't talked to you in months dog-fucker, and we're quite openly fighting, but can I get you a coffee... cake... high tea perhaps??" I felt it was just awkward to ask her directly, so I didn't. And she had a hissy fit, and Ryota went mental at her for being a big baby about it. (God bless the man he can be an absolute wanker but he does always defend me in these situations!) I just wanted to ignore it and keep the ignoring up, but Grandma was like, "You should apologise Corinne!" and then I lost it and told them to quit poking their beaks in and slammed the door. Which was possibly childish, but standing in the genkan with all of them (seemingly) up against me when I felt like I had no other choice, got a bit rat-in-a-corner-ish.

So I was actually really upset that night, because I don't like fighting, I don't thrive on making other people miserable, and I was contemplating the fact that not only was I away from my real family, but that I may very well be left with no Japanese family either. Scary for me, I'm a total cuddle while sleeping person, I don't like being alone for long periods of time.

So the next morning Ryota went to work and I was getting ready to go teach, when dog fucker came over and said "Do you have a minute...?" And I was all shocked and unprepared and kind of apprehensive without Ryota there. So she said she didn't want to apologise for the original fight but she didn't want to keep fighting. And I was like, 'Yeah, pretty much me too.' So we basically agreed to disagree on the movie issue, I apologised for the coffee run debacle and I promised that the next time I was pissed off with her, I would try really hard just to yell and get it over with. I'll NEVER be anything close to friends with dog fucker, but it is much better for all involved when we can be normal around one another!

Not much else is happening, I'm busy working and dieting, Ryota is busy working and getting ready to start his own business (another post, but it's going well!!) kids are good, life is boring!

To stay or to go

I'm not done with Japan, as much as I bitch about life here, I'm not done, otherwise I'd already be gone.

That said, there are more and more reasons to make a new life in Australia. The only thing that keeps us here, really, is money. Plain and simple, because it makes the world go round and shit. Basically, we may be able to make it big in Australia, but it's a big 'may', and it's a big risk to take when we have it so good here.

So the reasons to leave Japan are:

*Ryota's family will not be missed by me, and not that much by him.
*Ash will be able to start primary school in Australia next January.
*I will have my family and friends who I miss so much.
*We will live near the beach and not have to be worried about a monster tsunami swallowing us up for dinner.
*If I want to have another baby, I will have maternity leave/ government support to do so.
*It will be a new adventure.

And the reasons to stay are:

*Not only financial security, but wealth. We are making money to save now, if we move, it will be money to survive/get on our feet for the near future.
*Life is comfortable here, we know exactly how things are going to go.
*Ryota's Grandma is 85, I think he wants to stay until she kicks the bucket. (Sorry Grandma...)
*Big change makes me poo my pants it's so scary.
*It will be tough for Ash to adjust to a new (all English) environment.
*Ryota will never get a good enough job in Australia.

So there is the breakdown, I'm seriously thinking on it. The recent dog fucker happenings make me want to leave in some ways, just because living here is not fun when I'm trying to avoid my in-laws, but on the other hand I don't want to 'run-away' from her either, she's not that fucking scary!