Friday 17 June 2011

My drive-by traffic signal

I LOVE this blog! But every time I read it I get pangs of envy and maybe a pinch of regret that I am not single and having fun anymore.

My brain has been on overload lately, I often think about things too much and sometimes I just can’t stop obsessing with an idea in my head that it takes over pretty much any downtime my poor substance abused noggin’ can handle.

I think recently it’s been a combination of this, this and this post that have come together in some horrible gooey ball of ideas that I want to either have an affair, or leave my husband. Isn't that just horrible, random and shocking!?!

(P.S. If you know me in real life do me a favor and don't, like mention it to him in conversation or anything... Thanks!)

Of course as new ideas, events and other such shiny things are put in front of me I may forget this notion, but it’s strong at the moment. Re-inforcing my theory all along that I should never have gotten married so young and for all the wrong reasons. But... that shall be put on the back burner for the minute, as I re-visit my slightly more slutty yet ever so enjoyable past with a story from the single days!

The Peruvian, Japanese, Turkish weekend (Part I)

I’d like to say I’m a multi-cultural kinda gal and my boy toys were no exception, any nationality, skin colour, accent, I was open to just about anyone! (sexually explicit pun intended) I always avoided people I knew really well, like say, work colleagues. There were many reasons for purposely avoiding having ‘one night love’ with people I had to face the next week, for one, a lot of them were dipshit foreign English teachers. Nuff’ said… Another being the old ‘don’t shit where you eat’ kind of thing, I didn’t want to smear my reputation too much in the office. And the only other option were the Japanese office guys, who were either not worth it personality wise, or fun to flirt with, but more than likely duds in bed, plus they were all about 22 years old fresh out of university and hoping to clamber their way up the corporate ladder to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, otherwise known in Japan as a pension and 10 days holiday after working like a dog for 30 years. Not my type at all…

So to the big city’s clubs and bars are where I mostly found my lovers, it was fun, fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol and easily forgotten the next day if you could ignore your pounding head and desire to vomit up the ramen you ate at 3am on the way home the next morning.
There was one particular weekend that sticks out in my memory (I actually have a pretty good one people tell me) where it was a whirlwind of drinking, shagging and general craziness that left me completely exhausted.
Friday night~ I was walking home from the station when I saw a car slow down as it passed me and pulled in to the conbini near my apartment. I didn’t think it was that odd, not like back home where you’re scared a serial killer might drag you in to the car and torture you or anything but then I saw a young-ish (I have no idea how old he actually was) guy poke his head out the window and stare at me. Again, not that strange in a land of people who like to stare at whities, but enough to get my attention. I ignored him and went on my way but then the car came past me again and slowed so that he was looking at me and obviously wanting to talk. He was cute so I decided to be a bit of a flirt and said “Do you need directions” and he laughed and said in fantastically rubbish English “Yes! You house please!” Still, pretty smooth for a J-guy, I was instantly impressed.

I told him to go back to the conbini and I’d talk to him there, I totally intended to take him home but needed a little bit of well-lit talking time to make sure he wasn’t going to slice me up and eat me or anything. When I got back to the conbini he was inside buying cigarettes, I wanted to go in but I didn’t know him from a bar of soap, couldn’t really just rock up next to him, but I also wanted to buy beer for myself so made a drinking motion at him through the window and pointed to the back of the store at the fridges. He finally got it after much gesturing and got chu-hai instead, but it was alcoholic, that was all that mattered.
When he came out we sat in his car and drank and talked for a bit, he was determined to speak to me in English which set off gaijin hunter alarm bells but after we started kissing he gave up which was a big relief, nothing worse than being asked what the past tense of a verb is while you’re trying to give a blow job.
I’m not one for car shenanigans, I like my own house and all the comforts so I told him to ‘walk me home.’ I don’t remember if the conversation was that awkward but we laughed a lot, he told me his name was Shingo and I asked if he minded that his name just made me think of a traffic signal and he couldn’t stop laughing. I told him my name and he said Korea!? Korea!? Still, laughter is an aphrodisiac for me, I guy could be super hot but if he doesn’t have a sense of humour then I’m just not interested, so it was all good.
Once we got home I did my OCD ritual of teeth brushing and face washing while he drank and watched TV, and when I was finally ready we got to bed. The dirty details are a bit sketchy but I’d give him a 6 out of 10, he had a pretty small cock but didn’t really know what to do with it which was worse than the actual size issue. He must have been pretty young because he kept asking me for direction, which I was more than happy to give, but my Japanese wasn’t the best back then and I kept losing my moment because I was concentrating on what to say. It was also all over red rover pretty quickly AND I’d gone to the trouble of giving him head but ended up finishing myself off- fuck, now I think about it I change his rating to 5, he gets bonus points for being funny and sweet. He got dressed and started with the bullshit of… “Errr what’s your number…blah blah blah” but I was already tucked up in bed and mumbled that it was OK, I’d probably see him around some time at the conbini or something. Shocked or happy I’m not sure, but he left and I slumbered, having no idea I’d need all the sleep I could get for the next few days.

And for my Peruvian and Turkish stories, you’ll just have to keep reading!


  1. Argghhh I hate taking guys home. They then know where you live and can come back!

    I think a 5 is generous if he couldn't get the job done.

  2. The guys that stare at me at the conbini are always Yakuza. What am I doing wrong?! And I would like to be Charisma Girl just for one day.

  3. "and other such shiny things are put in front of me I may forget this notion,"

    **throws towels and stuff over every shiny or potential shiny thing in site.**

    My huge unit is great and shit but my tongue is the thing that makes em stalkers. You would NEVER need to finish yourself off. If you could remember what I said before I started licking you to the promised land I'd be impressed.

    It's the's that warm and rough textured thing that when applied correctly for long periods of time absolutely turns women into screaming maniacs.

    That every guy doesn't do that never ceases to amaze me. You wanna REALLY great blow job where she licks that thing like she loves it cuz at that moment she does....lick her to multiple orgasms first and she'll swallow every drop...happily.

    This seems like it would fall under the "common sense" section of sex but listening to girls personally and on the's not so common??

    An Aussie lady taught me that BTW "Quantas Airlines stewardess"

    Go Australia!!!

  4. > he told me his name was Shingo and I asked if he minded that his name just made me think of a traffic signale told me his name was Shingo and I asked if he minded that his name just made me think of a traffic signal (...)

    > He must have been pretty young because he kept asking me for direction, which I was more than happy to give (...)

    I hope you were waving a red illuminated baton while doing that. Maybe blowing a whistle as well.

    @Chris B.: Yes, we all know by now. Believe me, been there, done that, never had any muscular injuries but unless I've had a freak run of talented amateur actresses I'm sure something I've been doing must have been not entirely wrong. More pertinently, statistics on bush safari vs desert rally? Speaking entirely personally, over the long term I'm surprsised not to have accidentally discovered any isolated WWII veterans hanging out in there ("Private Tanaka! It was all so over in 1945! Now get off my tongue!"), but recently the acquaintance of a person involved in voluntary self-deforestation has made life much more, err, fulfilling. For all parties involved.

  5. God, you crack me up. Definitely no higher than a five and considering you actually did both of you you probably deserve a nine. He definitely lucked out coming across you that night. What a score.

  6. "Believe me, been there, done that,"

    Never seen any pics of you or any of your actresses. So..not believing it anymore than anyone else that doesn't post pics of themselves. That's the bad side effect of being basically anonymous. Seriously. You could be a 13 year old handicapped kid with a really great personality.

    "self-deforestation has made life much more, err, fulfilling. For all parties involved."

    Speak for yourself...I wanna stop rampant needless deforestation!!! If I wanted to lick perfectly shaven hairless pussies I'd be a fucking pedo and be happy. I'm not so I'm not.
    Save the trees!!!!!

  7. I think you need a break from blog reading if they make you want to have an affair! And now, time for a dickish word of warning: Be inspired if you want, but not influenced. ;-)

  8. LOL! great story... but you wanna know why i'm laughing? cuz it makes me feel soooo much better about my affair with "Car Guy"!!! i guess i'm not the only one who takes strange guys home from outside the combini after having known them for 5 seconds.... (S never lets me forget that he could have been a psycho...) i feel for you that the sex wasn't great though. still, it's a funny story ;p

    also, i gave out a big loud "aaaaaaawwww!" when i saw you mentioning me at the beginning of the post! big hugs to you! <3

  9. kathrynoh~ haha that's true, he never did though! I did run into him once again and it was quite awkward as I had to explain who he was to the people I was with!
    Yeah maybe I should downgrade him to a 3... that first attempt at a pick-up line really got me though!

    Anonymous~ Hey Yakuza guys can be quite hot, and rich if they're older! :D It wasn't my proudest moment but fun all the same!

    TheOctopus~ A whistle would have been helpful, one blow for yes two for no and that sort of thing! :)

    Gaijin Wife~ I know hey! I wonder if he ever tried it again with a foreign girl and got smacked down as he probably should have!

    Chris~ lol at 13 year old handicapped comment, brilliant. As for the deforestation debate, I'm all for tasteful pruning, but I agree, little bald pussies screams little girl fetish sicko to me.

    Jen B~ Maybe you're right, I should follow your lead and try very hard to limit my internet time... Or maybe I'm looking for excuses to blame outer factors when really it's just me! I don't think there's any danger though, when would I find the time!?

    Kari~ Yup I thought the same thing when i read your 'car guy' story. God I hope it wasn't the same guy travelling all over Japan to pick up conbini foreign girls! :D When i think about it though it could have been any sketchy dude right, meh lucky we're both here to tell the tale(s)!
    It's true, I really do love your blog!!

  10. "Fuelled by copious amounts of alcohol and easily forgotten the next day if you could ignore your pounding head and desire to vomit up the ramen you ate at 3am on the way home the next morning"... that hits home like spew on a new pair of shoes.

    Thanks for sharing your story of the driveby shagging.

    One night stands...when attempted by the amateur, seem to turn into big messes. "If you're gonna play, know your game" speech is one I never heard because I wasn't listening. "Hey, we had a good time, so let's leave it at that" approach is so much better than the one that stretches out for months, doesn't quite end after the first suicide-ish attempt (really hard to overdose on stuff here) and the faux "I'm going to knife you, no wait, myself...why are you starting to do the dishes?" (followed by more intense fornication) only to end with an anonymous link to some site with a number of ladies with obscured faces advertising their delivery services, one whose selling point is an "immaculate interior"---some things are better left forgotten.

  11. @Chris B: 14 years, actually. Seems I was slightly inebriated when I posted, but nope, no pics, and believe what you want. Glad you like my personality though :).

    @Corinne/Chris B.: after years of picking hair out of my teeth I was pleasantly suprised to have a clear playing field, though I did take the trouble to ask the lady in question to regrow the triangular bit, which she did, 'cos I felt something was missing.

  12. lol, it couldn't have been the same guy cuz mine had a huge tool and was really good in bed.. lol. also i ended up seeing him again a few times. lol. he still calls me every now and again... i just don't reply. ;p

  13. @TheOctopus
    14!!!! I almost nailed it :) The triangle forest is cool! Just something I love to rub my face in. I actually keep two mini towels with me to wipe my face and spit out the overflow into.

    **I don't carry 2 towels around with me everywhere to be clear but find 2 quickly if I'm in the mood.**

    I don't even carry a wallet because surf shorts don't have pockets for em and explaining to a girl why I got 2 towels...might make her think I'm presumtuous so I ...get McGyver..ish and make it work.

  14. I think, from reading your blog, you were jonesin' for something new before those three posts ever hit the internets. Feeling that way doesn't make you a horrible person, but be careful how you handle it, dangerous ground with all the emotions involved and such (like you need to hear that from me).

    I feel for you though. Married and with a kid, that's tough. As you said maybe it's a phaze.

    Fantastic story, sometimes I wish I was so daring, but it's not my thing. I analyze too much, and one night stands don't appeal to me. Too much of a crap shoot. Plus, I'd be worried about exactly what happened: what if I see him again lol. So awkward. But I mean it happened to you and time and space itself didn't implode like I've always assumed it would.

  15. "It was also all over red rover pretty quickly AND I’d gone to the trouble of giving him head but ended up finishing myself off-"

    The story of my friggin life in a sentence LOL I try to extend the good times with foreplay! But these days I often lack even the motivation for that..Just a spectacular 5-10 minutes or so and watch movies or oh well.

    Love the story as usual!

    And thanks for the link!

  16. the only comment missing yet was, "you're ovulating". But then again, maybe you always are?

  17. I love kari's journal too. I read the whole thing in one sitting and even sent her an e-mail LOL. I'm looking forward to your stories. I'm envious of both you and kari, I never did any of this stuff, I did the "marry the first guy that comes along" thing.

  18. Will~ Yes, it was always all or nothing for me most of the time. Those few times I let things drag on were painful because someone always goes and gets attached thinking they can change the other person.

    TheOctopus~ Eww! But yeah, a sad little bald badger is just wrong, need a little bit of something!

    Chris~ Glad you clarified that you don't carry towels around just in case you get to lick a girl on your way home from the shops! hehe

    Oooo and I just bought R a waterproof wallet for surfing that somehow magically attaches to you, he always gets thirsty but can't be arsed going all the way back to the car.

    Jskoolisin~ Yeah, I have that funny feeling too, I'm actually happy it's making me think about things, if I didn't think I'd probably go and do something stupid on impulse without considering the consequences!

    I was quite daring back then, I don't know if I could do it now, I think it was the constant stream of alcohol running through my veins! :D

    loco~ Don't worry, I can relate, I even switched off the movie the other night I was so tired! Let alone any sexy business!

    BiggerInJapan~ haha, You've completed the comments section!

    Maneki~ Thanks for the comment! I read it all in one go too! I feel like I got married too quickly, but when i think about it I did have a fair few expereinces, not all good mind you.

  19. I just stumbled across your blog, and I was very impressed with this entry! Keep the smut coming. ;)

  20. Sex Without Borders~ Will do, I'm excited to read your blog too!

  21. It's a good post and everything but I have such a low opinion of people who have affairs or fuck behind their partner's back. You tell the person upfront so they've got the chance to go fuck someone else as well. You're probably just joking but whatever.

  22. Anonymous~ It's a good point,that I've always agreed with, which is why I'd probably leave before I screwed around on the sly. Thanks for your opinion! :)