Tuesday 12 June 2012

The birth that wasn't...

Sorry for the absence, I have a pretty good excuse though, one that involves my vagina being stretched to 4cm open.
So it started on Thursday, I had my usual baby check appointment at 11:30, but because every uterus in a 5 km radius seems to be impregnated, I didn't get in to see the doc until 1pm. By this time I was cranky and bored, but I got a rude shock, after all the routine ultrasounds and shit, the doctor said, "OK, your blood pressure is way too high, we need to get the baby out." Ummm, back it up doc, just a minute ago you were poking around my minge telling me that I was all closed for business, no baby yet! My blood pressure is always high when I go to that damn place, no wonder with the fat lectures I get, and hospitals make me nervous as it is. I've also been pretty busy lately, what with a job, small child and high maintenance husband and all. I would have told him to piss off, except for the past week I had actually been having splitting headaches every day, along with some funky eye twitching, which he informed me is a sign of hypertension.

So I called on the lovely Sassymoo to take over my lessons at the school and dashed home to try and get a few things together, I hadn't even bought the bloody snap crotch panties that you need yet, luckily MIL went on a panty run and then I was in the hospital, all ready to be induced first thing Friday morning.
And Friday morning came, I got the inducing drugs, which aren't nearly as lovely as they sound. Contractions came, but they were pissy little ones, if it had been my first time I probably would have been in pain but I know how intense that shit gets and these were nowhere near what they should have been to push a massive head out my minge. They kept upping the drugs but nothing was happening so the doc comes and shoves a balloon up my fanny and inflates it, which wasn't comfy, but not too bad. This opened my cervix to 4cm, and that's exactly where it has stayed, even now I'm sitting here with an open cervix, bizarre!

By 3pm it was clear I wasn't getting anywhere (and the doc had to think about his schedule) so we stopped the meds. This would all be fine except the rooms at the hospital are all bastard hot so the babies don't catch colds, which is fine, if you actually have a baby! I was stuck in a fucking long sleeved hospital gown with no options for a shower due to the IV stuck in m arm, it really was hell. Added to that was the monitor on my tummy, dear god the dirty gaijin sweat that monitor band absorbed was ridiculous!
So try again Saturday was the verdict. And we did, and I'm no genius or anything, but I figured if the drugs hadn't worked the day before, then they weren't gunna. And they didn't. By that time I either wanted the baby out, or I wanted a shower, those were my terms. The doc came and saw us on Saturday afternoon and said that we could take a break Sunday (his day off) and try again Monday, or we could just leave it and wait for the baby to come on his own. Ummmm yes fucking please!

So we wait! There's only 2 weeks until my due date anyway so at least I won't be waiting too long with my cervix flapping in the wind! I'm supposed to be on bed rest to make sure my blood pressure is ok, but I'm typing this from the school, I don't do bed rest. The doc will kill me if he knows I'm still doing everything I am, but I'm finding for how good my in-laws are at supporting me, they're actually pretty shit this time, but that's a post to be saved for next time...

Until another update or pictures of a small monkey-like creature!


  1. I hope the meds don't have a bad effect on the little one!
    I wish you all the best! Hopefully the in-laws will shape up just in time. :-)

  2. Corinne, PLEASE listen to medical advice and put the attitude on hold. You are risking a stroke/death. This is not an over reaction by medicos but a serious, serious problem. Whether you wish to listen or not babies still die and mothers still die because of this.
    So, you don't do bedrest. LEARN!
    sorry for the harsh words, but I actually care.
    Karen C

  3. What a complete bummer - especially after amping up to have bubs and now you're back to waiting. Pregnant mother and baby definitely not as high priority second time round unfortunately. Altogether a bit of a bitch as its a lot harder for you the second time round due to presence of small child. And for God's sake take it easy(ier) woman. Milk it - surely you can tell the MIL, dogfucker and Granny that you need rest and can they take over some shit - like feeding and clothing son.

  4. Oh my god, that sounds crazy. Have a fun week!

  5. Good luck with it all. Sounds less than perfect. Sure it'll all be grand when the time comes, though. Remember, for the next few weeks, you can do no wrong. Abuse that for all it's worth.

    In the meantime, I'm going to edit out all the bits of this post referencing the baby, just leaving the stuff about flapping minges stuffed with balloons. Then I'm going to submit it to the "readers' Wives" section of the filthiest jazz mag I can find and watch the money come rolling it. Everyone's a winner!

  6. Geez, hope the doctor got to golf on time (that's obviously what he was doing on Sunday). Fingers crossed all goes well, and please take a rest, put your feet up on the dog, and ignore all pleas to stop until someone takes over your housework, at the very least. Maybe push it till you get peeled grapes or something. Seriously, take care.

  7. All I can say is that you do pregnant heroically. Glad to know the birth is still on course for a 'will be'. I am going to tell my kids that when I grow up, I want to be like Corinne.

  8. I hope everything goes smoother for you I think you're handling it all like a champ though <3 be careful and take care of yourself <3

  9. Zomgosh that's crazy!!!
    I 2nd Presianxrose's comment ~ I hope everything goes well and take care of yourself!!!

  10. How strange that you'd have some contractions, they stretch you, and then say come back later. Weird. Please take care and put your feet up. Even I'm putting my feet up after reading this.

  11. Hope you get to see a healthy baby soon! Enjoy the flapping cervix while it last!