I have better in-laws than most, especially in Japan where I've heard horror stories of families not accepting a gaijin partner or just not being supportive at all. And even though I bitch about funny everyday things like dog-fucker being annoying as all dog-fucking hell, they are the reason that I can work. As I type between lessons, (no baby yet, thought I was having contractions this morning but they stopped at lunch time!) Ash has been home all day with someone from the in-law camp keeping an eye on him while I've been teaching. So I really have no reason or authority to complain.
But I will, because, well, it's my blog and I'll whinge if I want to...
So after I went into hospital last week the doctor told me while MIL and SIL were with me that I should be on bed rest. Of course I wasn't going to go on complete bed rest, I have shit to do, but I did hope I could take it easy, as in not cooking or doing too much running around. If it had been my family, I think they would have offered to cook and take Ash to kindy, or if they hadn't offered I would have felt comfy enough to just straight out ask them. I'm not comfy enough with my in-laws to demand favours, if I'm really stuck then I'll ask but when it's not a matter of life and death I won't ask. So the day after I got out of hospital I didn't hear anything from the in-laws, I was working until 8pm and hadn't done anything for dinner but didn't want to ask them to feed us so I ended up throwing left over rice and some vegies together to make fried rice but I ended up putting too much sake in it and Ryota was like, "Ummm are we having alcoholic rice for dinner...?" Now usually I'd tell him to shove his fucking rice up his arse, but this was actually a fair comment, I had to take the bowl from Ash before I was arrested for getting a 3 year old drunk from rice. And the tears came, because I felt so overwhelmed. Ryota immediately tried to recover and said "It just got better!!!" but he was right, it was shithouse and I felt like a big failure. I couldn't cook dinner, couldn't give birth, had no support... blah blah fucking drama queen blah, but I think the hormones and mental strain of preparing and then un-preparing for a baby to be yanked out of my uterus had something to do with it.
And there was something else, and I was ashamed to admit it so I kind of fibbed to Ryota, but earlier in the day I was coming home from the school for lunch and bumped into MIL, SIL and the lady down the road about to go out for lunch together. Now, I don't usually have the time to go out for lunch but I happened to have about 2 hours free that day and I was really hurt that they hadn't asked me to go with them. I lied to Ryota and said I was crying because I'd talked to my mum in Australia and she and my sister were going out for the day together and that I was homesick, so it was kind of the truth but twisted around a bit... Ryota of course has little sympathy for this kind of thing, his immediate response is always "Then let's fucking go back to Australia!!!" And he's right, it's my choice to be here, but I do miss going shopping with my mum and my sister, I miss being pampered like a little princess by my family and I hate that I can never have that with my in-laws. I was pissed that MIL and SIL were going out for lunch without asking me and without offering to help me out. Which is ridiculous, but it's the way I felt nonetheless.
It took me a few hours of self-pity and crying to get over it, Ryota skulked off to the in-laws to scab some dinner and I threw my alcoholic rice out with big sobs. Grandma did offer to do my washing, but it was one of those Japanese offers that she didn't really mean but would do if I dumped a load of dirty clothes on her lap.
I guess I have to learn to have a thicker skin and to start asking for things or I'll never get anything I'm looking for.
Most people will think I'm selfish for expecting them to do anything but I guess that's just the way I was brought up, our family is always there for each other, family comes first. It's hard for me not having that support, and then feeling guilty whenever I do accept help.
Dear fucking God I just want this baby out so badly, get those hormones out and let the sleep deprivation begin, the sooner it starts the sooner it will be over and I can get back to my normal life where a bad day involves a beer at the end of it!
What on earth are you doing working until 8 and then having to make dinner....never mind being about to pop...that's a hard day for anyone. If Ryota can't or won't cook ask him to buy something or get it delivered. I know how hard it is to be far from home and family but Japanese women do seem to expect special treatment ..especially after delivery...put their feet up and do nothing except hold the baby while everyone else pitches in. Don't be brave or proud or stubborn...ask for help. Unbelievable as it seems your husband and in-laws don't seem to realise you need it! I would be crying too. Hoping you have an easy birth and a healthy baby...it will all be worth it then :-)
ReplyDeleteDenise in Osaka xx
Ryota doesn't refuse to cook, but he won't take the initiative either. He's more than happy to order, but a little too willing actually, if it was up to him we'd probably order in every day and that's no good for health or budget, so I try to keep it to weekends or days where I really have no time to cook.
DeleteI wish they'd be a little more perceptive too, but if I don't open my gob I guess I can't expect that much :) Thank you for the kind words!
Where is the
ReplyDelete"Submit to University study on hormonal imbalance study" button?
I sympathize with your man....(can't believe I'm saying that btw) but you are a basket case of emotions and it's understandable but being an observer all I can think of is there but by the grace of God go I....not having to walk on eggshells around you.
I want that baby out so we can get back to the cheap fun!!!
Bring on the "I was a stripper stories"!!!!!! ;)
Get well soon Corrine :)
haha I love it how pregnancy is treated as an illness, or maybe you're referring to my mental issues with the 'get well'...? ;)
DeleteHonestly I sympathise with him too, being married to a preggo is not an easy task, he's trying harder than normal too so I have to give him credit for that.
Believe me, I want this kid out too, it's all I can think about at the moment, will try and write something non-baby related soon, I promise!
Ah, Corinne, that's terrible! You sure as hell shouldn't be worrying about making dinner etc at the moment! You really do need to get a thicker skin and ask for help. Before we got married, I was worried my husband's family wouldn't like me, given they hadn't had much contact with non-Japanese before. He said "like or don't like, it doesn't matter. Once you're family, you're family and they'll do anything for you." Remember, it goes both ways - they expect you to act the good daughter-in-law and look after their son, so you've more than earned some help! Good luck and hope your next post features news of the new sproglet!
ReplyDeleteMaybe this is punishment for all the times I've left the futons out!?!? ;)
DeleteIt's true, I think in Japan family will just blatantly ask for things and it's not seen as rude at all, whereas at home I'd hope my family would offer and if they didn't I'd suspect they didn't really want to help me, I'm thinking too much about it I think! :D
"Most people will think I'm selfish for expecting them to do anything"
ReplyDeleteEh, aren't you like 9 months pregnant or something? I'm sure no sane person would begrudge you asking them to help you. They're family, they're *supposed* to help and support you when you're pregnant. Why would we think you were selfish? Or by "most people" do you mean "most Japanese people"?
Hmmm maybe I am thinking of Japanese people. I guess I meant that I have little hissy fits about not having my family around me but really that's my choice so I can't complain.
DeleteI am quite worried for you. You shouldn't be working right now. You should be resting. And a pox on your in-laws for not being more helpful.
ReplyDeleteBut the most important thing I want to say is that whilst you write in a way that is 'fck it it doesn't matter', it does matter, and I don't know why you continue to put up with so much shit, when all it would take is to speak up about the things that bother you.
I know that I would have said, 'why the fck didn't they invite me, too!?'. I really don't understand how you can be so 'strong' on the blog, but so weak in real life, or so it seems, to me, just going on what you write.
haha It's so true, maybe how I write on my blog is a reflection of how I'd like to be in real life... :)
DeleteI will try and be stronger, it's something that I need to work on!
Thank you for worrying about me! I feel pretty good actually, just a bit tired, good preparation for when I'm saddled with a screaming baby I guess!
I'm sorry you're not getting enough help. You're definitely within your rights to ask, though. And it's not much harder to make dinner for three extra people, so I doubt your MIL would mind. I bet theyre trying to give you space since you're so independent, and if you ask, they'll be delighted.
ReplyDeleteAnd I would ask about R, but I know how not-helpful guys raised in a culture which coddles them can be. As long as he's not adding to your workload.
Your celebratory beer is closer than ever!
I cannot wait for the celebration, honestly! I'm hoping after the baby is born we can get some extra help and some kind of routine, but I guess until then they don't really know how tired I'm getting.
DeleteThank you for the comment!
You know, they should be offering to help you out. You're walking around with an open cervix for God's sake. I think a lot of people don't have the ablity to think about what it would be like in someone else's shoes, and maybe that's what's going on with them, but you are no means asking for the moon and stars. You should be helped out by them because you're just about to give birth, even other social animals help each. I hope the baby comes quickly for you, I can't imagine the uncomfort you must be in, you're a strong person, that's for damn sure. <3
ReplyDeletehaha thanks, yup wandering around the place with an open cervix does make it sound pretty bad!
DeleteMy MIL would help more if she didn't work, but I guess it just kind of goes over their heads, almost over though!
Good advice, I'd like to think I'd help them in the same situation, well maybe all but dog-fucker...
ReplyDeleteIt's shitty to have to ask for help. I wonder if because your in-laws knew you should be resting, they didn't think you should go out for lunch. But you're still teaching, cooking, doing laundry etc anyway, so that would be pretty dumb reasoning.
ReplyDeleteWith my second birth, part of me was glad it was a Caesarean, because then a bit of rest was compulsory. And I really needed it.
Good luck!!!
I think they just assumed I'd be working because I pretty much always am, but an offer was all I wanted.
DeleteActually yeah, I don't want a C-section, but then at least I'd get a longer break in hospital!!
You're not being silly, not in the slightest. It's not hormones, I'd have felt left out and I'm not even little bit preggers. Most people would have offered, at least I would have thought they would. Hope the baby cooperates soon and heads out.
ReplyDeleteMe too!
DeleteThanks, that makes me feel better, I thought I was being a bit of a baby but I'm glad you would have been peeved too!
actually stop being such a bloody marytr ( hoiks up bossom) YOU SHOULD GO ON BED REST!! stop it stop it all RIGHT NOW! GRRR for goodsake stop. You are going to have to at some point, you can't teach and give birth at the same time.
ReplyDeleteBecause you are working they think that everything is fine it is not. the doctor doesn't give bed rest for nothing. GRRRRR
(the lentil weaver)
Ahh lentil weaver, I can always count on you to kick my arse into common sense land. I'm sure that is it, but honestly, we're just not in the financial situation for me to stop working unless I really have to. Down side of having own business I guess, no work, no pay. But I am taking it easy, I promise!!
DeleteWell if you can't stop teaching, stop cleaning and cooking. No one died from a dirty house or eating sandwiches/ onigiri. Go to bed when you get in and STAY THERE. if hubby complains just hand him the doctors no. ( the lentil weaver) i wish i lived a bit closer i would stomp round to your school with waving one pot dishes in tupperware at you! (the lentil weaver) i know how stressful doctor visits are in japan esp if you are gaining weight like a gaijin!! ( lentilweaver)
DeleteCorinne if you really do have pre-eclampsia, which is what it sounds like you are telling us, you need to understand what this means and having shit to do isn't an excuse.
ReplyDeleteIF - and I hope this does NOT happen - you suffer a stroke/death your 'shit' will hardly matter. This is a serious, serious problem and YOU need to get the family's attention.
STOP now and make them take charge. Surely the doctor will give you support.
I'm speaking from experience!!
Karen C
Thank you for your very sound advice Karen, I know that it can be very serious, but at the moment it's not actually pre-eclampsia, but borderline pregnancy induced hypertension. Which is not good either, but as long as my blood pressure stays downish the doc said I can get off bed rest. Of course that doesn't mean I shouldn't be resting more, thank you!
DeleteWell, it just goes to show that my theory about the Japanese is true- they are polite, but not actually very kind.
ReplyDeleteThe subtle approach here is a non-winner I think. In the case of the lunch non-invitation, just be direct and ask if you can join them. Chances are the others would be happy to have you, but social constipation prevents them from asking. None of the three would have the (figurative) stones to take the initiative and do the asking. As we've all noticed, the locals don't do 'spontaneous' very well.
Nothing made for dinner? Either order from Bentoman (pretty cheap), or wonder-hubby can damn well shift for himself. The rule in my house is pretty simple- whoever gets home first starts to get dinner ready. Doesn't take a rocket scientist, but it does take cooperation.
Anyway, hang in there, soak up the post-birth sympathy as much as possible, and don't be afraid to simply ask for what you want. THe hard part is figuring out what you want first, and then getting on with it.
Thank you! I really am looking forward to just getting the little bugger out and getting my body back!
DeleteYou're totally right, no ask-no get. And spot on with the no spontaneous thing too!
That dinner rule is a GREAT one, it really doesn't help that Ryota and I both HATE cooking, but he is pretty good with ordering, he never complains and we do get bento or order something in at least once or twice a week lately, I'll give him that!
I just ended up feeling sad, and kind of... overwhelmed...? It wasn't Ryota's fault, for once. But he does push it on other things! Nothing like a good chuck of some crockery to feel better to, I might try it next time I'm having a melt down!
ReplyDeleteFingers crossed for a safe delivery. Have try to hold off commenting with an understanding that you're kind of busy doing something I will never be able to do (and with a sense of humor).
ReplyDeleteBeen on hand for our deliveries and am in awe (and shock). Women are strong.
Regards
My inlaws live 15 minutes away by bicycle and I never go there I just don't feel confortable my husband has to drag me there XD Your non-birth could be a scenario for a horror movie I love the all emergency inducing but girl Sunday I plaay golf so you have to go now, no wonder you are overwelmed!
ReplyDeleteLet me be the first to congratulate you on your little girl...I can't wish the hell that 2 boys would bring so let me just say it must be a girl.
ReplyDeleteCongrats ;)
Oo you had your baby???
ReplyDeleteCongratulation <3 <3 <3