I once had a hilarious conversation with one of my very good friends at home, it was before I was getting a tattoo and I was (as usual) going through all the irrational fears I prattle on with when I'm nervous...
Her: Don't worry, you'll be fine!!
Me: What if the needle goes in too far and pierces an organ!!??
Her: Seriously Corinne, never gunna happen!
Me: What if I get some kind of virus from a contaminated needle!?
Her: They are VERY clean, I had all my tattoos there remember??
Me: OK, but what if I don't fit on that skinny little bench, my arse is huge!!!
Her: Ummm I fat on it, you'll be fine!
The laughter helped me relax, it was awesome.
On only a slightly related note, by going home for Christmas, I've managed to feel even more like a fish out of water than ever, woohoo!!!
I didn't fit in at home, actually I fat right in, I didn't feel too bad about being so hideously fat with all the other chubbiness around me, but I didn't feel as if I was "home." Well, not entirely true, when it came to my family and friends, totally at home. But I was doing insane things like exclaiming how big my friend's baby's eyes were, craving rice, tut tutting at couples kissing in public, and not enjoying waking up whenever I wanted only to laze around the pool all day. I was yearning for a routine, a schedule!? I've turned fucking Japanese!!!
Which would be fine, except that I don't fucking fit in enough in Japan either. I never will, accepted it. Over it. But where does that leave me?? Would I get used to life at home if I went back?? Or would I always want to come back to Japan?? It was all quite confusing but I was quite happy to get back to my routine, and the customer service in Japan. Not so much to the freezing cold weather and realisation that no matter how long I stay here, I'll never be totally at home here either.
Too much life changing thinking going on for a Saturday morning though, must get back to working, which is going towards my goal of being totally debt-free by 2015. I can do it, I just have to work my arse off and not bitch and moan too much and I'll have my school, my house and any other stray loans paid off. I would have loved to have done it before I was 30, but with that horror lurking this year I just have to face that it will be 2015, my original goal was to have bought a property by 30 anyway so I got that far.
Other new year resolutions this year??
*Don't get pregnant!
*Lose 25kg
*Chill the fuck out a bit
*Under no circumstances get fucking pregnant!!
*Climb mount Fuji, I've lived here 8 years, it has to be done.
*Turn 30 with grace and dignity. (HA! Not going to happen, drunken messy grace, possibly...)
If you do make it to Mt Fuji at some point this year I'm in. I've been here nearly 10 years now and still have not conquered the beast!
ReplyDeleteIt's not 'if', it's July or August!! :D I was going to drag SIL along but if you're keen then sweet I can actually do it with someone I like!! Let me know you're schedule!
DeleteI still find some things hard in Aus. The noise on the train really gets to me.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the plans.
I hate the noisy trains too, actually I hate trains altogether at home!!
DeleteThanks!
Christ, I think every long term expat recognises that feeling of not really belonging anywhere. It's hard enough worrying about it for yourself, quite without the added stress of not passing it on to your kids.
ReplyDeleteAndyYeah, probably not a great idea to get up the duff again, what with everything. Have a better 2013 :)
I'm sure my kids are already messed up, it's just a matter of to what point! :)
DeleteYou get used to it all over again. I spent the first couple of years missing Japan and feeling out of place but working for j-companies seemed to work as I had a good balance of both cultures. 2012 was my 'leave Japan completely behind me' year, purely by coincidence (although I did intentionally look for a job in a non- Japanese company) and while I still class Japanese food as my favourite and I would love to take Joey and Mal there for a long holiday one day in the future, I am now 100% at home with my Japan- free life! ;-) that said, I did struggle a lot in the first couple of years and really resented my ex because I loved living in japan and hated that I had been forced to leave because of him. Now I realise that it was my choice to leave, I guess deep down London has always been my real home.
ReplyDeleteThat's the thing, I think if I was forced to leave I would really miss it, I guess I have to get to the point of really not liking it and then I'll be truly ready!
DeleteI think everyone has that feeling, of not being at home, at home. People kissing in public mortifies me now, and I found myself eating soup with the bowl held near my face once, my parents weren't bothered, but the woman at the next table was gawping at me and my appalling table manners.
ReplyDeleteMt Fuji is great, well worth the horrific climb just to see the amazing sunrise, and feel that sense of achievement. Good luck with it all.
Yeah I kept bowing and shit, it was ridiculous!
DeleteOh no, you're a marathon runner and you call it 'horrific'?! That means I'm going to keel over half-way up! :(
This is where Hawaii helps out a lot.
ReplyDeleteIt's part Western part Asian part Polynesia part everything. No real adjustments except being amongst honeymooners and other folks on a "trip of their life" and being in a happy bubble and me catching their happy fever. Japan is fucking filled with miserable people ...I will not miss anything besides charging 100 per hour to basically chat (adult students)...I will miss that ;)...and terrifying kids and calling it culture exchange (Halloween) :)
Now there's a good plug for Hawaii, I was thinking about just going somewhere completely new! It's true, there are so many people in Japan who are constantly "tired" and not afraid to whinge about it...I'll miss a lot I think but it's bound to happen wherever I go...
DeleteI was feeling good about getting 400 thousand hits on my site...then I came here :( You should take that stat counter down now...it's like flashing your breasts to strangers Corrine and that's beneath you.
DeleteO.K., maybe that's not true...O.K. I'm sure it's not true but children are starving because of that little widget and for world peace and the folks in Tohoku...and.....for the glory of Australia...viva la sydney!!!
Take it down you cheap hussy!!!!!!!!
Sorry...I lost my cool. ;)
this is the curse of expats... we never fit properly either back home or in our new adoptive country... but still, there are worse things ^_-
ReplyDeletei am liking your NY resolutions! がんばって！
There are worse things you're right! I should focus more on the good things, it's always interesting to be slightly out of your comfort zone anyway!
DeleteThanks, 頑張ります！
Absolutely understand the feeling of being caught "homeless" between two worlds! A friend of mine put it nicely once. He told me, "I've come to accept that I'll always be homesick for somewhere, whether that's Japan or America."
ReplyDeleteMaybe it's just the price we pay for all the wonderful, eye-opening moments we get to experience as expats. I've come to sort of bizarrely cherish the kind of melancholy homesickness I feel whenever I'm readjusting to Japan or America. I feel lucky that there are two countries I love so much, and that can offer me so much in so many different ways. Look on the bright side as much as possible.
Go you for positive thinking!
DeleteI felt more disorientated than ever before this time but I should just embrace it and make the adjustment like an adventure I guess!
Well I loved and hated the climb up mount fuji. Book acomodation. Take some time to get some rest. Contact me before you do it I have a thousand tips. Plan for it and do it. Totally worth it. If I can do it you can.
ReplyDeleteeerything else. I think you are always split between two no matter how long you are in either country.
Ooooo I'll definitely need tips!! Thank you, I'm really looking forward to it actually.
DeleteGuess the concept of "feeling homeless" matches most Expats or/and Gaijin wifes.. After living in Japan, I just can´t adjust into the "normal" german living anymore. I miss all the bowing, great customer service, Conbinis, clean trains and streets, matsuri, hanabi and japanese food here so much even though hubby tries his best here too. haha, when I´m in Japan, I miss german bread and saussages :)
ReplyDeleteFor climbing Mt.Fuji my SIL always buys something like an Oxygen mask to make sure she won´t get anoxia. Oh, and get some "dry shirts" from Uniqlo - seems those really make the whole thing a bit more comfortable.
I also still have to climb up there... wonder if I can do it this summer.
You could announce a "Gaijin run" on Mt. Fuji! Bet there would be some more people to join in ;D
I've heard oxygen is a must, I think that will be on the essential list, along with the bottle of vodka :D
DeleteHmmm gaijin blogger meet up on the top of mt fuji...!? Nice!
So true, I'm tainted too, always going to mis something from both places!
Totally love the thought of going back to the US, the 'other home'... having the cougars flirt with me. To be able to sit down and simply enjoy being around easy going, not uptight people is bliss. Here, I have to talk myself down to be able to relax while just about anywhere else, people have got that good vibe going.
ReplyDeletePS
I will never climb Mt.Fuji willingly. There are just too many other much more beautiful peaks out there.
Good luck. With everything.
Ahhhh now you make me feel like a yuppy tourist wanting to climb mt fuji!! ;)
DeleteI'm sure there are more beautiful places, I guess it's just a 'have to do it' type thing.
The whole relaxed feeling of being home was comforting, not watching what I said or not scanning what other people said for signs of hidden meaning was nice...
Been here 8 years now and have never once wanted to climb Mt Fuji although some friends have done it several times.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel about being in Australia vs here....I am the same. I miss Australia {shopping!} but here is my home now even though I don`t fully fit in.
My goals this year are also not get knocked up. I would love to lose 10kg....but would settle for 3kg {If I lose 3kg I will be about the same weight I was when I got married}.....5kg would be a happy medium.....I lost a ton of weight in 2011 and then gained it all back. It was all stress {preemie baby, breastfeeding, sleepless nights and giant earthquake and threat of radiation. Definitely not the healthiest way to lose a bunch of weight}......
I've never really felt the need but I have a thing about doing things before cut offs and the big 3-0 is this year so maybe that's why!
ReplyDeleteYeah healthy weight loss is my main goal this year, stress definitely not a good way to go!
We moved back to Aus. 18 months ago. I had lived in Japan a total of 11 years. It was supposed to be permanent what with settling down with the kids and all. I've never been unhappier in my life and with all the whinging I did in Japan I never missed Aus like I do Japan. Could be that I'm in the shittiest place in Aus because of DH's work. Now we are 99% sure we will put our tails between our legs and go back to Japan in 2014-15 before our eldest starts school. I miss it so much and certain things drive me nuts here more than they did in Japan!
ReplyDeleteOooo I'll have to add your blog to my list, just had a quick look. So interesting to see that you will come back to Japan!! I'm always wondering how it goes for people who go back and if they can ever really settle in.
Delete