Weddings in Japan

All my years in Japan, I'd never been to a Japanese wedding, I've been invited to a few but have either been working, or too cheap to pay the gift money, that has definitely been the case since I've been married, Ryota hates paying the big chunk of cash you have to part with to be a guest at a Japanese wedding. But yesterday was Ryota's cousin getting married, so there really was no way to wriggle out of it, plus I kind of wanted to go to a wedding and see how it was different from a western wedding.

So I paid my $500 or so in wedding gift money and we all toddled off yesterday which was held at a swanky wedding restaurant in a rich area near us. The first thing I noticed, the fake gaijin priest hanging around waiting for his gig to start. It was a big white dude with a north American accent and I could tell my presence was making him uncomfortable, he kept giving me darting looks while I sat smirking at him and his fake sermon with big gestures and bad Japanese accent. Still, I shouldn't hate on him, we've all got to make our way here and if he can get the work then he should go for it, he kind of reminded me of a pro wrestler though, I kept imagining him taking down one of the well groomed guests.

All the guests were very reserved and quiet at the ceremony and after the formalities were over and lots of (I'm talking EVERY fucker there) photo taking, we were allowed upstairs to have lunch, and more importantly, booze. They cut the cake first, which is all arse backwards in my opinion, especially since they feed each other cake and take the stupid photos of the bride shoveling a huge amount of cake into the groom's mouth. The groom is Ryota's cousin and I really like him but his new bride didn't impress me much, she's about 3 feet tall and kept looking up to our cousin with bug cow eyes and batted her eyelashes, she seemed a bit fake to me but I'm a huge cynic as well so maybe she's a genuinely nice girl. They've only been together for 6 months so I think she's either got an illegitimate bun in her oven or wants a baby really badly (she's 35).

I felt kind of sorry for the wedding mc too, at home people actually listen to the mc but here everyone was talking and laughing over the mc as she rabbited on in the background, strange. As everyone got more and more sloshed people started to relax and I once again got reminded of that Japanese custom of filling up your glass. I swear to god I not once had a near empty glass, it was so dangerous because it felt like I just had one never-ending drink but I was still on my first. Luckily little Bailey had pumped breast milk because he would have been well and truly pissed if I hadn't! I wonder if it's worse because I'm a foreigner, people kept coming up to me to fill up my glass asking me all the usual fucking mundane questions and comments that I could respond to with my eyes closed...
"where are you from?" "you're Japanese is so good!" "heeeeeeeeeeee?!?!?" are the stock standard ones...

After much good food and booze various drunk uncles and the groom gave speeches, with the bride giving a thank you speech at the end to her mum. I was bawling my eyes out along with all the other obachans, the bride's father had died a few years ago and her speech was pretty sad. I think the fact that I'd had about a keg of beer by then that I was pretty emotional too... There was also bizarre karaoke performances from family members too, all drunken and red-faced.

Finally we all got shifted out and were given little gifts at the door by the bride and groom, which turned out to be blueberry fucking jam. Random much?! Of course this wasn't the only gifts we got, as we'd given a big wad of cash, we had to get gifts back. Fucking stupidness I tell you! I'd rather just give half the amount and get nothing back!!! And it wasn't even gifts we could choose out of a catalogue, it was a spoon and fork set, a roll cake and a plate. I seriously would have been happy with the cake, now I have fucking expensive spoons, forks and a massive expensive plate that I'll never use, hopefully I can re-gift them at Christmas to an auntie I don't really like, then at least they'll get some use!

I definitely prefer western weddings, they're way more relaxed and have way less bowing but all in all it was pretty fun. I think the only other weddings we'll be going to for a while are brother in law or dog fucker, but the chances of dog fucker ever getting married are very slim, I'd totally warn the poor bloke off before he made that mistake!




Yup, way too much bowing for my liking...



See her looking up at him like a big dope?!




Ash entertaining the rellos...







Ash getting in the way as was the norm on the day, at least he's cute...




Me and my boys! ♡

A guide to S&M in Japan

I can't remember if I've written about the S&M bar I used to go to here before, maybe not?? Will give it a crack anyway.

So when I was young, single and without either a small child attached to my boob (see photos below for evidence...)  or a slightly bigger small child demanding a drink/food/play, I had pretty much one hobby: Boozing. Well, good food and good booze, that was pretty much it, I had a regular drinking and buddy and when I think about it we really were a dangerous team, both loved and were good at drinking and egged each other on to the point of stupid drunkenness at times.
We not only drank outside but made black russians at home or put away a few bottles of wine while watching movies, no wonder I was so fat, broke and unhealthy!!

So we liked our regular bars but we also liked hunting for new bars and restaurants, which is how we came across the S&M bar, which was called "Nail bar" I still have the mama-san's business card somewhere. When we first walked in I was dubious, for one it looked a lot like a 'snack' bar, where you're charged a ridiculous amount just for plonking your arse on a chair. So when we enquired about a seating charge at the door, the mama started ushering us in but we'd been tricked like that before and told her we weren't going to pay for seating, she shushed us and said there is usually a seating charge, but she wanted some foreign custom and would let us off. We were happy with that, if we're going to be ostracised, may as well benefit us in some way! I was also dubious about the place because on the wall was a cabinet full of various sex toys, whips and contraptions for causing pain, it was then that we were asked if we were S or M and that if we were S we had to flip our drink coasters to blue and red for M... It was horribly weird and the mama was a normal looking woman but we did as we were told ((to go along with the S&M theme) and put our coasters to our appropriate colours and were given green tea cocktails, because they were 'Japanese'. Who knows what the fuck that was about, they wanted to expose us to some culture?? But fuck me it was the best and one of the strongest cocktails I've ever had and have never been able to have another one quite the same

After we'd relaxed a bit and realised we weren't actually going to have to strip and start whipping each other we got talking to the young girl working there who explained that customers could pay to go into the back room and do things to her for an astronomical fee, being nosey foreigners we wanted to know exactly what this entailed and she proceeded to lift up her shirt to reveal hundreds of nail marks on her back, hence the name "Nail bar". We were amazed, her once smooth skin was absolutely destroyed by scars and new indents, but she seemed proud of her markings, like she was really dedicated to her job...? Mama told us she was too old to take it and just whipped old men who got their kicks from that stuff.

We often went back to Nail bar and the only thing that stopped me from going back was when I got an email from a Japanese guy who said he wanted to lock me up in his basement (do they even fucking have basements in Japan??) and hurt me. I'd given mama my mail address (as you do here when you get friendly with people) and she'd fucking given it to a customer who obviously has a fetish for locking girls up while getting a bit of English practice in. It got a little bit too freaky then, even for me!

Sometimes I think my life is boring, but then I realise that the quiet life probably actually is the best (and safest!) option for me!

Right, a few pixxies so you know why I've not been posting, I just want to be with this little guy all day!!

Credit

Ok typing this one handed with sleeping baby on me, blogging time is just so hard to find these days, although I am incredibly lucky, I have an angel baby who doesn't stop smiling, is totally chilled out and sleeps at least 6, sometimes 9(!) hours a night! The baby gods have finally blessed me with one of those easy babies that most mothers hate hearing about.

Anyway, enough baby talk, I thought I should give Japan some credit today, because I do love to bitch about the things that annoy me and easily forget the things that make it a great place to live.

So a few months ago I was forced out of an elevator especially for people with special needs while I was heavily pregnant and it possibly made me more angry than I've ever been in my entire life. Even though I know there are cunts in every country, it highlighted one of the things about Japan that I hate, people can be downright fucking rude when it comes to people with special needs.

But I'm happy to report that slowly but surely my faith in Japanese people has been restored somewhat. I think it has something to do with the fact I live in semi-inaka but in the last week on three separate occasions people have been incredibly nice to me!
1st one was the other day when I got stuck in the supermarket because it started pissing down rain outside, I was waiting at the entrance for it to stop with the baby strapped on my chest when a lady started hovering near me looking like she was going to say something but had a bit of gaijin panic hovering syndrome so it took her good minute or so of hovering before she offered to walk me to wherever I was going under her umbrella. It was such a kind offer and I felt guilty for turning her down but I'd ridden on my bicycle so there wasn't much point in walking anywhere with her.

I must have been pretty obvious and pathetic looking standing in that entrance looking up at the gray, unrelenting skies because 5 minutes later a man came up and offered me his umbrella, it was a flimsy plastic one, but a lovely offer which again made me feel guilty for refusing his kindness too! I then decided to leave the entrance before anyone else guilted me with their kindness and got roped into buying a water dispenser for our house, I later cancelled but I just didn't have the heart to tell the lady making her sales pitch to fuck off, it must have been all the kindness that had been going on in entrance way that turned me soft...

And the last act of kindness that I really wasn't expecting was on the roof of a supermarket, I was trudging upstairs to get to the door to the outside parking area with two bags of shopping and chubby baby strapped to me when I realized the door wasn't automatic. Was just about to put the bags down to open the bastard door when a young guy appeared out of nowhere and opened the door for me and offered to carry my shit to my car!! This has never happened to me, and I was so shocked I just kept bowing and apologizing.

I must say though, I needed something to make me feel like it was worth living in Japan again, these last few acts of kindness should at least get me through until the next time I encounter some cuntness from a city-folk cunt!

Things have been... Better... At home. Not better as in we're a reborn happy couple living in a cottage with a picket fence, but better as in I can at least hold out on doing anything too drastic until I've researched my options and got my 5 year visa to make sure I don't get my arse deported If I get divorced!

The simple things... Part 1

We interrupt these divorce proceedings to bring you a Japan rant. Why? Because I can't be fucked writing about what is going on at the moment. It's too exhausting to live it, let alone hash it out with correct(ish) spelling and grammar. I'll say things are pretty tense but for the moment the papers are yet to be inked. Thank you for all your lovely comments, don't worry, if we turn out OK I won't hold the "Good work, you should have divorced the cock head ages ago" comments against you.

But back to the topic at hand... Simple things. Life is full of them. Giving a present is one of them. Yes, there are shades of gray with what to give and who to give it to, but in general, you give a present as a sign that you care, right?

WRONG! This is Japan, and the Japanese have a way of taking something simple, complicating the fuck out of it and then wrapping it up in a pretty little bow.

We got lots of presents when the baby was born, in many forms; money, clothes, toys and general baby-type things. I greatly appreciated every single one of them, said "Thank you" and thought about making little thank you cards with Bailey's face on them in a cute blue hue. But no, that's not how it works in Japan. If someone gives you a present, you have to give them something back, and it has to be about half what the present was worth.

What the fuck?? I don't give presents to get shit back! But MIL informed me this is the practice and the only way to go. Grandma also informed me that it's impossible to keep track of everything you get/give, so she gave me a little lined notebook to note who gave me what and the value. I kind of get why grand gestures aren't really appreciated here now though, like if someone made me a cake rather than buying it I would be really touched because I would know how much time and effort they had put in for me, but this must just fuck up the whole system because you can't put a value on time and effort I guess...

So I wrote down everything in the book and thought about what people might like as a 'thank-you-for-giving-me-a-pressent', present... See it's ridiculous every way you look at it!!! And I thought the kids at the school who gave me stuff might like an English book... The older ladies might like some cakes, the younger people some wine... And I actually put effort into thinking about what people might like, only to be thwarted by Japan's ridiculousness once again!!! Oh no, you don't get thoughtful gifts, you get fucking generic gift boxes with foul smelling crackers or dry cakes in them, THAT is the way it's done, silly silly gaijin girl and her crazy thinking!

This system baffles me, I'd rather not get fucking presents in the first place!!

The final straw was when I was so sick of all the rules that seemed to go with something as simple as getting a present for the birth of my baby, that I asked MIL to get the crappy yet appropriate gifts to give back to people, and I would fork out the cash as soon as possible. Of course I was informed that I was to wait at least a month, and I was so exasperated that I didn't ask why, maybe because you buy them all at the same time?? Who fucking knows.

There are SO many things that appear simple and are made complicated in Japan, this is only part 1, look forward to such gems as 'feeding a big-arse fish to a 100 day old,' 'Buddhism for non-Buddhists,' and many many more ridiculousness from Japan!

P.S. I know you want the dirty divorce goss, I will dish when I'm ready...

The positives..

I guess that's the thing about having a shitty marriage, you're not that upset when it ends...

Divorce papers are at home, the anticipation of the unknown to come is strangely exciting...

More when I have some I guess!

Bugger it

I'm even late with my late make-up post!

The excuses won't fly, I know, I really do need to sell off one of my kids to the highest bidder in order to get, well, anything at all done that doesn't involve cleaning shit or vomit. Of course I do get a break from it with Ash, he has me doing fun things like cleaning up toys and cheering him on as he does a poo for the first time in 4 days. Fun times this raising kids business.

So where should I start... The beginning I guess, and around here the beginning is usually my shit house excuse for a husband. He's being a prime wanker, as was kind of expected!

My mum is here at the moment, she's stayed 3 weeks and even though usually we fight quite a bit if we're together for too long, this time has been great. She's helped me so much with the baby and been a general savior of my sanity in the form of helping with the house, adult conversation, an extra pair of hands, and just a person who thinks a similar way to me. Now my mum isn't perfect, like me, she has annoying little habits and different cultural things that are probably more prominent than my cultural differences because she doesn't know things that are considered weird in Japan. For example, we had prawns the other night (Ebi fry) and if I was at home I'd just use my fingers to dip it in the sauce and eat it, and this is what my mum did. But because I've been in Japan for so long, of course I use chopsticks. Just little things like that. Considering my mum is helping out A LOT at our house, you think Ryota would make an effort to be a bit nice, but he's not, he keeps bitching to mean Japanese about things and it's fucking pissing me off.

I think his mental condition is reaching an all time high, he seems to be miserable all the time and it's wearing me down until I get to the point where I really don't give a fuck. I guess that's one good thing about having a shit marriage, you're not really that upset when you're faced with the prospect of it ending!
I'm not quite at the point of no return yet, but he's embarrassing me, I feel like my mum will go home and be thinking "god my daughter married an absolute cunt," when in actual fact he's not like that all the time, he was just particularly bad when she was here.

It annoys me to no end when I put up with the good, bad, ugly and fucking mental-ness of his family 365 days a year, but he can't man up and act like he likes having my mum here for 3 fucking weeks?!

What else is he being a cunt about... Is cuntness is kind of blending together lately... Oh that's right! Today I took both kids to Sassymoo's house for a few hours and came home to him tying a rock with rope for the landscaping exam he has to do this month. He didn't say, 'are you ok?' or 'thanks for taking both kids so I could study', no, he said "oh you're home already, I'm not finished, now I can't get anything done!" with a big fucking dramatic sigh, he's so good at those lately.

So yeah, baby? Lovely. Ash? Great. Ryota? Fucking. Twat.

Hopefully I'll have a warm and fuzzy story next time to balance the bad vibes!

Blogging...

Haven't been doing much of it!

However I feel my life slowly but surely returning to something that may resemble normal. Wish I could say the same for my belly, but I'm workin' on it!

I WILL blog tomorrow, there are so many things I could be writing about but I chose not to for no other reason except I'm a lazy bastard.