Monday 18 April 2011

God I wish I could say 'cunt' in Japanese...

Because if I could the cunts would have been flying yesterday!

Working on Saturday is really fucking me off of late, my last lesson finishes at 8 so by the time I've closed the school, got Monday's stuff ready, done any paperwork for the week and dragged myself home there is usually time for a shower and... bed.Possibly a shag if I'm lucky. Dear god how my Saturday nights have changed for the worse... Anyway, because of this, I cherish Sunday. If I spend the whole day cleaning the house (which is probably what some good housewife would do) then I'm just going to be on my death bed thinking "Fucking hell why didn't I actually do something on my Sundays instead of washing the bloody sheets!!!" If that was the case I think I'd smother myself with a pillow in sheer shame. So I make plans for Sunday. If that plan is lying around the house watching movies then that's fine, but Sunday is a very relaxed day for me, I refuse to cook and cleaning is limited to my anal retentive carpet vacuuming and essential-only dish washing.

So on Sunday when Ash woke up early and I went downstairs with him to give Ryota a sleep-in I started getting bitter and resentful before the day had even begun. There was some talk of going to Ryota's dad's place but err, fuck that. Ryota sleeping-in then going to the most boring place on earth, not my idea of a good day. If I had my way I would be off to the beach every Sunday but the 3 hour drive and small grumpy boy I'm stuck with (wow, one for the worst mother ever quote book there...) make that impossible so for the time being the next best thing is some sort of outdoor activity, shopping, or looking at something interesting at the very least. Considering it was 8am and nothing in Japan opens in Japan until 10, I made vanilla pancakes and stuffed fore mentioned grumpy boy with sugar, got my eyelash curler out and decided I was off to the big smoke for the day. I used to live in Osaka and I miss it more than anything. The random fights on the street, the familiar smell of urine and... old water? The hustle and bustle of the big city was something I totally enjoyed. Not that small town living doesn't have it's perks, nobody has wanked all over my door or anything yet...

So I got quite excited at the thought of the crowds, shops, and vast array of food that wasn't sushi or McDonald's. As I was heading out the door, Ryota struggled out of bed giving a half-arsed apology for sleeping so long and asked where I was going. I said Osaka and he put on the trampled puppy look and was all "What about me, aren't I coming??" Ummm, I don't know, are you? Either throw on a shirt and have a shower in a can or you're staying in I guess! He didn't get it in his sleepy state and I just toned it down to "If you want..." So he got ready and we all traipsed off.

I was actually glad he came in the end as Ash is impossible to keep in one spot and I wasn't not looking at(OK maxing out the credit card on) precious English books, even if it meant my much sought after halfuu child being abducted by some psycho. So I looked at books while Ryota and Ash took great delight in watching some sort of cleaning demonstration going on nearby. Ryota eyed the big brown bag full of books as I came out but I just have to put my lips in to the shape that may utter the words "heated wetsuit imported from the US" and he shuts his trap pretty quickly. There wasn't too much else I wanted to do but I knew I wanted a big, fat steak for lunch, and what better place than outback, the Aussie themed restaurant that has a suspicious American feel to it. Whatever,give me a whole deep-fried onion and a steak with refillable drinks as a bonus and fuck I'll hop up on the table and sing the American national anthem in honour of the beautiful greasy food nation I'm so happy!

The day was going so well until we decided to go to the big electronics store. We were only going to look at toys, but every other Tom, Dick and Harry (Or Tanaka, Yamada and Suzuki in this case) were obviously out looking for the latest digital bargains because it was packed. Every elevator opened to cars crammed full of bodies touching each other in inappropriate places. Now I'm all for escalators or even stairs for that matter, but with a kiddo that squirms and wants to ride the escalator rather than sit in the damn stroller it is almost impossible. So, after 3 elevator rejections, I told Ryota we were standing in front of the 'special elevator' and if there was one person in there that didn't have a stroller, wheelchair or look like they had one foot in the grave I was chucking them out. I should point out that this wasn't just a disabled elevator but also for people with strollers so I was totally following protocol.

Ryota looked a bit embarrassed but followed me on my mission. I get this way once in a while, I'm all placid and then suddenly I just have to make a big, gaijin scene about something that pisses me off. We waited impatiently as the little lights seemed to take an age to reach us and when the doors finally opened I was almost disappointed to find that it wasn't that crowded, but still crowded enough. Ryota, Ash in the stroller and I could have comfortably fit except there was a man in a wheelchair with his mum pushing him waiting behind us. Now Ryota, being a Japanese fucker, went ahead of the wheelchair dude with Ash as I waited and told them to hop in before me but with Ash's stroller in there, it was getting pretty squishy, I felt the fire light up as I knew I was going to get the chance to say "You have legs, fucking walk you lazy cunt!" The poor mum pushing the wheelchair said "Ohhh I don't think we'll fit..." and that was my chance, Ryota gave me a nervous glance as I said, "This elevator is for people in wheelchairs and with babies, of course you can!" She caught a glimpse of my blond hair and anxiously did a bow as I ushered her in. The 4 or 5 people cunts that obviously had no reason to be in the fucking elevator shifted uncomfortably and looked at their fully functional feet, arseholes. I was annoyed that I hadn't been more bitchy in my approach so I did the next best thing and did an English rant with the word cunt featuring strongly.

Ryota couldn't understand what the big deal was but I made sure I spent the next 15 minutes or so grilling him on why every other fucking rule in Japan must be followed but when it comes to disabled seats on the train/elevators/parking that everyone just feels the need to ignore the god damn mother fucking rules!? If you are going to have a pole up your arse when it comes to things like stamping the box and then initialing the box when you make a mistake then stamping the initial that you made the original mistake on then fuck me, give people who are unfortunate enough to have lost the ability in their legs by being disabled or the ability to have a social life by having small children a fucking break! I have a theory that it's the old 'ignore the things that aren't so pretty and they aren't here' that crops up occasionally but who knows, people may just actually be cunts.

Lucky there are a few obnoxious gaijin women left to rock the fucking elevator!


  1. Before being banned from JAL for fighting in 2006 I had another event the year before when some moron smoked in the bathroom of a Hawaii bound 747.
    I knew it was him cuz I smelled it on him and after the plane announced it had happened and they were considering returning to Japan..I stood up...turned around and started going ape shit on this girly lookin punk that just took 250 peoples lives into his hands. I wanted to fucking kill him in Honolulu but he was "ghost" and I never had a chance.

    The Japanese got a lot of bullshit symbolic fuckin rules but I'll be damned if I don't see some lazy fuck almost everyday at 7-11 using the handicapped parking stall...fucking shameless.

    I sometimes yell and pretend I'm taking pictures of their car which makes them of them was so freaked by me they almost hit a girl on a bike so I stopped but the respect for the disabled and the shops enforcement of the alloted services is PATHETIC!!

  2. Since all the esculators have been turned off here, I've really noticed how much people will use the lifts rather than walk up a flight of stairs. It's no issue for me but I do think 'lazy bastards' watching them all waiting.

    As for the disabled and elderly, some ppl would almost knock them down to beat them to a seat on the train. Cos you really need to sit after spending a hard day at your desk!

  3. When I was 9 months preganant and the size of a house, the fuckers wouldn't give me the piority seat on the train from Nagoya. i was even waddling at that point. The only one to ever give me a seat was a little old lady who should have had one. GRRRR BASTARDS! (lentil goes off to fine her yoga breath)

    lentil weaver

  4. "I get this way once in a while, I'm all placid and then suddenly I just have to make a big, gaijin scene about something that pisses me off." I could have written that, even in the exact same elevator situation..and my husband gets mad, to which I tell him to pretend that he's not with me. I almost wish I was always pregnant when I get on the train. The big scenes are always more fun with pregnant hormones to add to them. I doubt without them I could pull a "sleeping" salaryman off the priority seat.

  5. Hey, why not try to introduce "cunt" in the Japanese vocabulary? If you say "カント” as venemously as you can maybe they'll at least get the general message?

  6. Good for you! I've made many a lazy bastard get out of a lift when they are perfectly capable of using the stairs. My hub doesn't understand why I get so angry about stuff like that, but I'm with you all the way with how Japanese people select which rules to follow and which to completely ignore.

  7. I have a lot to look forward to in the next few months with my fiancee pregnant. I'm really looking forward to asking/telling people to move.