Boiling point

Things are definitely reaching it here! At the moment I think every single family member is pissed with me apart from MIL, but even she might have something to whinge about.

Let's do it in order shall we...

Ryota- So last night I got home at 8pm to (as usual) a cold kitchen, kids not bathed and started fixing dinner. I don't really mind that much, plus if he did manage to do dinner and bath without me the colossal amount of whinging that would follow just totally wouldn't be worth it, but sometimes it would be nice. Anyway, I start getting dinner and I put our salad on the table (dinner is very easy when you're dieting!) then Ryota says he wants natto and some other crap, which granted I do always forget to put on the table. So I say, admittedly in a slight bitch tone, "Well, if you got all this stuff ready before I came home it wouldn't be a problem eh!" And that was it. Silent treatment all night and then again all day. Not like I really give a fuck, and I know what he's thinking, he's playing the 'But I have to look after Bailey card,' but fuck him, I look after him all day and still manage to get shit done. Anyway, we'll see how that turns out after he gets home. I hate that if he's not talking to me I really don't have anyone to talk to, that power REALLY annoys me. Although I should just enjoy the peace, it does get me down which is why I usually cave and apologise first....

Dog fucker- Dog fucker is a general fucking slacker, if I go to drop Bailey off she acts as if she's doing me a favour with her fucking attitude and it shits me, so since Bailey will be starting kindy in July, I'm milking her for every yen I fork over to the miserable cunt and have been leaving 30 minutes before lessons start even when I don't have that much to prep. I think Ryota said something to her about being bitchy because she's been giving me the cold shoulder (more than normal chilliness) and last night as I was getting out of the bath with Bailey fucking ran away like a little bitch because she didn't want to help me dry him while I got dressed. Ryota was at Grandma's house at that point as well so they were all over there while I was struggling to dry squirming baby without letting me rude bits flop out too much. Not a major task but in Japan if someone is available they usually catch and dry for you while you get dressed. I had a bit of a weep at that point because I felt like I was being ganged up against and felt all alone and shit. Silly but that's the emotional train wreck I am these days. Fuck me I need to man up!

Grandma- Grandma constantly gives Ashton snacks when he gets home from kindy (At about 5:30pm) which means he never eats dinner and just ends up eating fucking junk then gets hungry again and eats more junk later while I throw out the perfectly good bento or meal I've made for him. It fucking shits me and the other day I lost it at Grandma and said "Stop giving him snacks for fuck's sake!" I think Ryota had a go at her too because when I went over yesterday and he wasn't eating properly just as I was about to accuse her she got all defensive and said "I didn't give him anything!" I still think she may have snuck him some chips under the table but I let it go anyway.

Fuuuuuuccccckkkk sometimes I just want to run away from them all!

Fuck off fuckers

You know, PMS never effected me, I thought it was something I was immune to but as I get older and pop out more kids the PMS is getting really fucking bad. I find myself actually noticing that I'm irritable, emotional and just generally pissed off. It probably doesn't help that I'm hard core dieting (5kgs gone baby!!!) which also makes me pretty pissed off at the world.

Anyway, the thing that pissed me off (today).

We're still paying dog-fucker (I know the dog is dead but she'll never be known as anything else) to look after Bailey, because he can't get into kindy yet, it's so fucking expensive and I can't wait till July when he's going to kindy even if it's a different one to Ash but until then I just have to grit my teeth and fork out the cash. So I let her know at the beginning of April that April and May are always super fucking busy, so I'd need to leave 20 minutes before the lessons started in order to prepare my shit, I don't think this is unreasonable, and at a handsome sum of about $900 a month I don't think it's too much to ask.

So today was busy, basically I had a 30 minute break all day (now!)

8:30am- Ash's class observation
11am: Come home do bare minimum house work.
12pm: Leave to work at a kindy about 20 minutes away.
3pm: Finish kindy.
3:30pm-4pm: Break
4pm-7pm: Teach at the school.

It's a pretty full day and I was hoping that dog-fucker and Grandma might appreciate that. No such luck.

So I get home from the class obs and Bailey sleeps so I get to down my protein shake, do the washing, washing up and general tidying, Bailey wakes up just as I'm about to leave and he hasn't eaten lunch, but fuck he was asleep, what could I do?!
So I take him over to Grandma's house and Grandma says: Has he eaten lunch?? And I said 'No, sorry.' Then dog-fucker is upstairs and I start giving Bailey yesterday's left over dinner but really need to get out the door. So I say in kind of a bigg-ish voice, 'OK, I'll be off now!' Hoping she'd get the point and come and take over, then Grandma totally fucking chews me out, saying 'You're going now??? Don't you have time to give him lunch!?'...

Am I wrong for thinking that if you take on the responsibility of child-minding (not for free mind you!) that feeding lunch is a pretty basic task that comes with the job?!

I wanted to screech that at Grandma but instead I said with just a slight hiss, 'No, I work at the kindy on Fridays, I have to get there.'

So after Ryota bitching about my mum's behaviour the whole time she was here, I swiftly mailed him to say I was not happy. It made me feel better and his response was pretty good too: "Don't worry, they're dickheads."

Meh, it's not for much longer, I'm probably overreacting due to PMS and carbs craving! Thank fuck it's Friday, just one more day of work left!!!

Everyone's leaving!

There are so many people quitting blogging! What the hell is up?!

Not that I'm one to talk with my sporadic, boring updates...

We've been having crazy times here in the semi-inaka!

*The school, after being not busy at all and actually making me rethink whether never seeing my kids was worth having it, has been crazy busy.

*My mum is visiting, which has been mainly good but with me being busy and her just babysitting for me I feel kind of bad. Plus Ryota and my mum don't really get along, well they do, but only to keep the peace, if it came down to it they actually really don't like each other at all I suspect. They both piss me off in different ways at times but they're both my family who I love and I'm happy they keep it civil for my sake.

*Little bro, who is still in Australia, exactly one year after his brain bleed last year, had a major stroke and is still in ICU. With no insurance. Costing $4500 a night... It's pretty fucked up and he's paralysed on his left side but we're hoping he makes a recovery, we still don't know much.

*I've been using every spare moment I have to exercise, I have very little free time these days and since it's my 30th in less than 6 months I cannot be a whale for those fucking photos. Craving carbs and sweets but I did it before, I WILL do it again.

Riding

I feel like life in general always comes in waves. Good waves, bad waves, scary choppy waves, and those big fuckers that pull you all the way up and then dump you under leaving you spluttering and picking sand out of your minge for the next 3 days. I like the waves. As I've mentioned before, I like that life isn't boring, that things go up and down. Maybe that's why I stay with Ryota, I know I'd be totally fucking bored with a nice simple lad??

Anyway, as I get older, I can actually feel the way the waves are going. It's not like when I was younger and I didn't think about the way life was, how it was at the time, and where it was going.
At the moment I feel like life is on a generally good wave. Life is alright. Bailey is finally growing up out of the baby stage, Ash has practically left home (he sleeps at Grandma's house the little bastard!!), work is good, and Ryota and I survived 2 weeks together so I feel if we survived that we can survive pretty much anything.

This wasn't the case up until a little while ago, I felt very unsure about the school, I think I always get that way in April, people quit and you feel betrayed in some way, and then all these new people sign up come May and you feel like a twat for getting your knickers in a twist.

So that's why I haven't been blogging that much, life is comfortable enough that I really don't have that much to bitch about. yes my arse is about 4 times bigger than I'd like it and Yes Ryota can be a royal fuckwit at times, but apart from that. Life is good... Sorry!

Happy New Year!

It's the new school year in Japan and it always makes me feel like some kind of second new year celebration. Ash has new teachers and went up a kindy grade and Ryota's job changed bosses for the new year. It also means that Ryota has 2 (UNPAID!!!) weeks off work while things change over. This is the worst part of his job by far, not only do we almost kill each other at home every April, but we lose money while we're doing it because he doesn't get paid and we end up spending more money because he's at home and we go places for lunch etc. On the bright side, it means I don't have to pay SIL to watch Bailey, although I think paying her might be better than hearing Ryota bitch and moan about how tough it is to watch him for 3 hours at a time. Welcome to my world bitch!

I feel kinda guilty but I honestly can't wait to get Bailey into kindy, it will be from June whether it's Ash's kindy or not. I love him to bits but I find myself rushing and not being able to plan lessons properly or get any time to myself and it's driving me kind of insane. I'm such an 'all or nothing' type so I'd rather quit working and be a full-time SAHM or get him into kindy and concentrate on working, so sick of the balancing act!

Ryota and I are still trying the 70% theory but he said to me yesterday, "You're pissing me off below the 70% mark!!!" So the cracks are appearing! But all in all we're fighting much less than before, fingers crossed it stays that way.

We were talking yesterday about getting Bailey into kindy and Ryota asked SIL what she was going to do after he went and she said: "I want mum to open up a bar or something so I can work in it..." To which I snorted, which was probably the start of World war 3 because she gave me a filthy look and ignored it but definitely will remember it. I was just like, 'Jesus, you need to go out and meet some other people!!!' in my head but I don't want the headache of a SIL battle at the moment, it just isn't worth it. I want to give her meaningful advice but I don't think I can without totally pissing her off.

What else what else... We had the Easter party at the school, it was fun... Life is pretty boring...

My bitterness is still there, like a nagging toothache, dull and unrelenting I can't quite shake the feeling of dissatisfaction.

Bitter

I have a mouth full of bitter bile. Not literally of course, but there is something building in me and making me rethink a lot of things in my life. Saying that, my thoughts are like a jigsaw puzzle my 4 year old has given up on and has scattered from arsehole to breakfast-time and I can't blog it yet, I really want to but I'm not quite ready to put my soul on the line of the Internet yet, I'll be ready soon I promise.

I think if I had some kind of bitch-o-meter on here, that my biggest percentage of bitches would be about Ryota. It's quite natural I'm sure, since it's not P.C. to bitch about your children properly, he is the one I spend the majority of my time with and therefore most likely to bear the brunt of my bitchiness, but I can safely say, for now, we are actually in a good place. Sorry, I know the stories of his arseholey behaviour are a great read, but to be honest, the things on my mind actually have nothing to do with him. For once... I'm sure it will change at some point but we've been working really well together lately.

Prime example, we lost our camera when we went to Disneyland (Disneyland is a whole fucking blog post too!) recently and I was bracing myself for Ryota to go off his nut at me because I/we left it on a bus. It was out good canon camera with a zillion photos on it too and I was heartbroken that it might be lost. I went into a huge downer about it, if we had lost it my trip was going to be ruined and I also thought we were going to  have a massive argument about it but he was like, "Well, if we get it back, we'll be really happy. If not, can't be helped, and it means you can get the Nikon that you wanted!" Where the fuck did old Ryota go?! Whatever I liked the new attitude, it perked me up and I apologised for not taking more care to check the bus for our shit. We got it back thank god, but it shows that we can actually interact as normal loving humans! Score!

And we actually had no fights during the Disney trip, despite it being one of the most irritating places on Earth!

It may be his new 70% philosophy, he read a book that said you shouldn't live life at 100% all the time because you'll never have anywhere to go but down and always be disappointed. And when I think about it, it's kind of a good plan! From now we shall be the 70% super couple. Just wait, now I've blogged about it we'll probably have a massive fight tonight!

Right, must go work. I'm hoping my next post will be a bile purging one.

You were all right!

As usual, all the people who comment on my blog were right and I should never have wished for life to get any more exciting. Boring is good, a lesson I should have learnt by now, I'm 30 this year!

So after getting restless in my own skin of course something happens to shake it up, and not in a good way.

So yesterday I got a text from my sister that said:

"Hey sis, don't know if you know or not bu Dad hasn't been well, skype??"

And as soon as I read it of course all the worst things went through my head, well, actually only one thing went through my head:

CANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCERCANCER.

Because that's what you automatically think right.

So after skyping with my sis and calling my Dad, I discovered that he's been having numbness in his legs since December but it's gotten much worse in the last month. Fucking December!!! When I was there!! When I was getting annoyed with him because he wasn't taking Ashton anywhere and seemed to be bothered by having my kids there. Fuck, talk about guilt trip.

So it's not cancer (that we know of yet) but that kind of scares me even more because it may be brain related and brain stuff is so unknown and shrouded in mystery. I feel helpless but I'm glad my sister finally told me after my parents not telling me because I'll worry. I want to worry rather than not.

I hope he's OK. I really don't know what I'll do if he's not.

Lost.