Wednesday 26 May 2010

How embarrassment!!!

Did anyone else say that in the 90's???

So I've been meaning to blog about this for a while now, but have been way too busy with one thing and another but I feel it is still as hilarious any time I think about it.

The thing about embarrassment in Japan, is that I usually don't feel it. I really don't know why, but I feel sooo much less self-conscious in Japan than in Australia, maybe it's because I have more anonymity here... or that I stand out anyway so may as well go the full Monty... Or that I can be whoever I want to be here... I don't know, but something usually prevents me from feeling embarrassment. Usually... But what happened last week would make anyone go red, in any country. Let's just say I'm not going back to Diamond city for a while.

Diamond city is the name of a shopping centre I'm often attracted to for it's Starbucks, big supermarket and free parking if you buy something (which I always do!). I like the local Diamond city, although the name is deceiving and it is not actually a mini city filled with diamonds, it's a nice spacious shopping mall where Ash can run wild on the carpeted floors and I can run my credit card wild with unnecessary purchases.

So we went last week, just little Ash and I, and we were having a lovely time. Until I needed to piss. All went downhill from there. Now TMI I know but I was, ahem, err, riding the crimson wave if you know what I mean, (if you don't then go rent clueless!) so the trip to the dunny was a little bit more complicated than the usual piss n' go. Having a mobile child and trying to piss is a challenge on any day, what with Ash recently insisting on following me into the loo, pulling ridiculous amounts of toilet paper off the roll, tyring to shove it in the toilet before I wipe and then waving bye bye to my wee. But in a public, cramped toilet, it's even worse so I usually go to the disabled toilet that is a little bit more spacious.

Disabled toilets in Japan are pure luxury, they have a bed if you need to lay down, some of the toilet seats go up and down automatically, flushing is automatic, everything is low to the ground... Great if you're disabled! Another wonderful feature of the disabled toilets is the big arse buttons they have to open and close the doors, basically they have a big green one to open and a big red one to close them. Again, great if you're disabled, not so great if you have a one year old who can reach the fuckers...

You can see where I'm going with this, no?

So I skip into the disabled toilet with Ash, he's preoccupied fiddling with the bed buckles, I sit down and mid-piss he toddles over to those bastard big buttons. I made a big pleading cry of "Ash Nooooooo!!!" Which probably drew the attention of people outside (especially as it was in English) and I swear to god the little bugger looked at me with a glint of devil in his eye while his chubby little hand hovered over the buttons. Now I knew he was going to push one, it was unavoidable, so I was trying to piss as fast as I could, get rid of the tampon in my hand and convince him to push the big red 'close door' button in a blind panic. He was just about to push the red button when he did a switch and smacked the green button.
Still mid-piss and grasping tampon, the door slides open in it's efficient way and I start panicking even more as Ash sees the opportunity to waddle out as fast as his little legs will take him. I was still shrieking in English so I had attracted the attention on at least 2 old men who were outside. Fuck me, it was horrible, I was so helpless. Finally, got tampon in place, pants pulled up and toilet flushed in time to catch Ash before he rode an elevator without me. Note to self: Always go for the cramped toilet option from now on.

So that was the most embarrassing thing that has happened in a while! Hopefully that's my quota for a few years...

Our school is almost ready to open! Here's our logo, I thought it may have been too cutesy but then I realised I live in Japan and grown men still scream "Kawaaaiiiii" in high-pitched voices and wear headbands so I think we're safe...


  1. Crack me up. That has so nearly happened to me on so many occasions. I think I'm still a bit scared to go into one with a child. Would be worse now as my suck me in everywhere pants take about five minutes to pull up.

    Love the logo!

  2. I hope you are plotting revenge for like his 21st bday party!!!!

    The logo is cute but not cutesy :)

  3. had me LMFAO!!! Sorry...but that is a classic...Ash is so going to pay for that in years to come methinks;)

    Love the logo btw!

  4. hilarious. i always look for the toilets that have that kiddy jail seat hanging on the wall. i don't know why more of those handicap toilets don't have them since they're usually family toilets as well!!

    next time, put a leash on your kid! (just kidding, of course!!)

  5. ooh thanks for the heads up, A hasn`t tried the doors yet but I`m betting it will happen soon!

    I think the logo is pretty cool :)

  6. New on your blog, a friend gave me the link.
    So funny sorry, I know Diamond city , I go often, ^^
    And I perfectly understood your feeling and story.
    I have young children too, and each time I used these toilets, I just hurry , so afraid of your story, they ever tried to open them, but I was fast enough.

    Toilet with child a real adventure.
    I'm really sorry for you.

  7. It's been a long time since I actually laughed to myself (i.e. lol:ed) while reading a post, but yeah, I can see how this is a tiny bit embarrasing. I guess I should be grateful as long as they can't waddle, huh?

  8. OMFG. Once Noah gets mobile I am never going to use those toilets again.

  9. I'm surprised this kind of thing doesn't happen more often. Like most of the mums who have posted above, I dread the day this happens. Hard to avoid using these bigger loos when you have a buggy with you mind. Very funny post, though having a one yr old toddle off in a shopping centre is no laughing matter I know.

    Love the logo.

  10. Meant to post a comment sooner, but this may be the funniest toddler snafu I have ever heard in my life! Of course it's only funny because it didn't happen to me. Thank goodness you made it before Ash got on the elevator! That would have gone from embarrassing nightmare to just plain nightmare really fast!

    Love the logo, btw! I hope your school is fanstastically successful!

  11. First time to comment here but I had to today! I read this post a couple of days and found it rather amusing but then had something very similar happen to me today lol. Was in of those toilets with my 5 year old son today and he accidentally opened the door when he moved his head in front of the opening thing (not a button but the type where you just put your hand over a scanner type thing if you know what I mean) I had fortunately finished but was still in the process of doing up my jeans and a couple of obachan were walking past. My son found it very amusing and had to run outside to tell his granny all about it.

  12. Hahahhh! Gotta love a bit of power weeing. Blow your nose if you want to go faster next time.