Thursday 12 August 2010

The great pot plant incident of 2010.

I think I've done it, I've managed to not only kill 3 fish in 2 days, but also to rock our little patch of dirt path with what could be a full-scale neighborhood brawl! Go me.

So here's what happened, yesterday as I was coming home on my bicycle, I clipped our neighbour's pot plant. (This is crazy cat lady who possibly shags her cat more than SIL shags Ra-ru, they should form some sort of club together...) Can I just say, in my defence, the fucking plant was in my direct line of bicycle path and is one of about 5 fucking billion cluttering our little dirt path. If all the fuckers on our dirt path got rid of their plants. I swear to god a car may just be able to comfortable fit down our street. So I stacked it into the fucker, and of course, as in slow motion, the pot toppled and teeter tottered on the verge of falling as I let out a lengthy "Nooooooooo!!!!" and tried to save the bastard with the back of my leg in some twisted hackie-sack move. I was unsuccessful.
Plant fell, and soil went all over the bastard place, the pot was actually totally empty when I finally got off the bike to survey the damage. Now, as I had run in to the plant, I had been saying good morning to Korean lady across the way, (If you've read previous posts on my kooky neighbours, you'll know cat fucker lady and Korea are arch rivals due to some business about Korea trying to crack on to Cat fucker's husband) so I don't know if she felt partly responsible or was just trying to help a fellow gaijin out, but she immediately rushed over to help me. Normally, this wouldn't be so unusual, very neighbourly like and all, but if cat fucker knew Korea was on her side of the dirt path then she would probably come at her with a meat clever so big ups to Korea-chan for sticking her neck out for me. As we both desperately shovelled soil back in to the pot with our bare hand we conversed in hushed whispers as to not alert cat fucker, and Korea kept popping her head up like a mere cat to check she wasn't on her way out of the house. If my heart hadn't been racing in genuine terror at the thought of me causing neighbourhood unrest, I would have been giggling.

After much hushed discussion on which side of the pot the tiny plant had been on and if she would notice the huge soil stain on the concrete that still remained, Korea and I parted ways in the knowledge that we now had a neighbourhood secret to keep. I went home and washed the soil off my hands but it was impossible to wash the stain of guilt and dread that this may cause much more tension in our small world of vicious neighbourly politics...

Now Korea and I had thought our dirty little secret was safe, but I guess we were being naive, about an hour later, Grandma came over...

GRANDMA: You knocked over the plant, didn't you!

ME: (Choking on my coffee) Err, what? Ahh what plant..? Ummm,.... Yeah, I did.

GRANDMA: You have to go and apologise before too much time goes by!!

ME: How did you know anyway!?

GRANDMA: I was on the veranda watching you.

Errr, comforting Grandma, were you a spy in your more sprightly days!? I swear that woman usually makes so much noise on the damn veranda, she must have been peeking through the futons at us! She then walked me through the apology procedure, basically, she was going to knock on cat fucker's door and do all the talking, I was to nod, agree and bow in agreement at what a stupid twat I am for running into her beloved pot plant. She also specified that we were not going to use big voices because then Korea would hear and get her nose out of joint that we were going behind her back and admitting guilt.

So, I did as I was told but it didn't fucking matter anyway, Cat fucker had witnessed the whole thing!!! She had been hiding behind the bamboo screens and watching our every guilty move! She was very nice on the outside and said not to worry, that it was her fault it was so far out and in the way. But I KNOW, I know she now sees me as Korea side. She made about 10 bitchy comments about Korea-chan in the space of about 3 minutes and said it was her fault for always trying to cover things up. So maybe I'll just be a pawn in the whole Cat fucker vs Korea chess game??

The offending pot plant has now been moved anyway, got to love living in a semi-country tiny neighbourhood eh. Hang on, why...?


  1. Guess it's a good thing you went to apologize, or else she would have been on your tits even more, behind your back of course.

    Some of my neighbors are just determined to hate me, but I just don't care. I think my grandparents got on well with everyone around here, but they're gone now and can't lecture me about keeping up good relationships with the nosy old biddies in the hood. I miss my grandparents, but I'm glad I don't have anyone pressuring me to do the right thing. I'd strangle on the apologies.

  2. too funny! what a great neighborhood you live in!!

  3. Oh man, if they actually come to blows, can you secretly film it?

  4. seriously want to see film. That was great. I think you need a secret bag cam to get pics and ids of neighborhood stars in your life.

  5. I agree with GW - who needs jdramas when i can read this timely update! :)

  6. Seems to be a lot Korean hating going on in your piece of the woods, I always found that a bit bizarre.

  7. My DH and I laughed our arses off at your post...hilarious! Maybe not really....but the way you explained it was a hoot!