Praise...

God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, and all the Shinto fuckers as well, because I am NOT, repeat, NOT pregnant! Yeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I feel I should do a tequila shot in the middle of the day out of pure celebration. Who'd have thought bleeding from your vagina for 5 days could be this delightful! (eww sorry, those of you enjoying a morning cuppa and a jam tart...)

So panic over. The way I was talking you'd think pregnant would be the worst thing in the world. Oops, let's hope Ash never reads this! It wouldn't be that bad, but seriously, one unplanned "surprise" is careless, two is just stupidity. In my defense, I was on antibiotics which I was thinking may have screwed with the pill, and we've been doing an unusual amount of shagging lately, so I was a bit worried.

There were many reasons why being pregnant would have been royally shit, including; The wrath of my best friend- Her wedding is next August so if I had been pregnant I probably still would have been carrying about 400 extra kgs of baby weight and still walking around like a penguin with a sore, stitched up minge. Plus the whole plane trip with a two and a half year old and a two month old. My best friend is one of those over-achieving perfect people who would have been totally devo-ed if I'd declined the bridesmaid invitation, plus she specifically told me she would come and smack me in the head if I happened to get pregnant and mess with her fairytale wedding!
The other main reason being pregnant would suck at the moment is the school. We're on our feet but we still need time to get more students and establish a good base to start saving money to pay for surfboard habits and the like, so to get knocked up now would just totally fuck with all the school plans too.
Another thing that I was thinking about as I was tossing and turning last night was the whole logistics of another person in our bed. Last night I had the cat asleep on my head, Ash wriggling his way in to my big spoon taking half the futon, and Ryota's legs sprawled out over mine. Imagine another little mini human latched on to my tit, impossible!
And finally, the thought of giving birth still sends me into a cold sweat. I literally have sweaty palms thinking about pushing another head out. What was god thinking when he went with the size of heads and vaginas, seriously!?

I honestly think the thought of being pregnant this time was 5 million fucking times scarier than it was the first time too, just because now I know how hard it is, whereas I was blissfully unaware two years ago. So in celebration here is my 'easy way out of blogging list' for today...

The top 5 things that the pregnancy books don't but should tell you...

1) The birth is always worse/more painful/more energy sucking/more fucked up than you could ever imagine. Always!

2) You bleed like a mother fucker for ages after giving birth. Not a slight dribble either, like gushing, flowing blood. (Seriously, just throw the jam tart away)

3) Newborn babies are the most boring, yet time and energy consuming little bleeders ever. They shit and piss and cry and sleep. They remind me of leeches.

4) The sleep deprivation will drive you insane. To the point where you will want to jump off the nearest bridge or under the closest train. You never sleep when the baby does, because that's the time you do every other thing you have to do like tending to bleeding nipples, brushing your teeth for the first time in 3 weeks or taking a shower by yourself.

5) Kids bleed you dry in every respect. Your tits, your wallet, your space, your time. Another human will become totally dependant on you for basically the rest of your life.

So despite, these points, when they grow up a bit, it is all worth it. I don't know if it will be worth it enough to go through it again, but Ryota informed me last night that it was all good if I was actually preggers, he still wants 4 kids. Ha! Of course if it was up to me I'd adopt a few more orphaned kids and be done, but then, as MIL pointed out, they wouldn't be halfuus, and that would be such a waste of my foreign genes...