Tuesday 24 August 2010


God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, and all the Shinto fuckers as well, because I am NOT, repeat, NOT pregnant! Yeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I feel I should do a tequila shot in the middle of the day out of pure celebration. Who'd have thought bleeding from your vagina for 5 days could be this delightful! (eww sorry, those of you enjoying a morning cuppa and a jam tart...)

So panic over. The way I was talking you'd think pregnant would be the worst thing in the world. Oops, let's hope Ash never reads this! It wouldn't be that bad, but seriously, one unplanned "surprise" is careless, two is just stupidity. In my defense, I was on antibiotics which I was thinking may have screwed with the pill, and we've been doing an unusual amount of shagging lately, so I was a bit worried.

There were many reasons why being pregnant would have been royally shit, including; The wrath of my best friend- Her wedding is next August so if I had been pregnant I probably still would have been carrying about 400 extra kgs of baby weight and still walking around like a penguin with a sore, stitched up minge. Plus the whole plane trip with a two and a half year old and a two month old. My best friend is one of those over-achieving perfect people who would have been totally devo-ed if I'd declined the bridesmaid invitation, plus she specifically told me she would come and smack me in the head if I happened to get pregnant and mess with her fairytale wedding!
The other main reason being pregnant would suck at the moment is the school. We're on our feet but we still need time to get more students and establish a good base to start saving money to pay for surfboard habits and the like, so to get knocked up now would just totally fuck with all the school plans too.
Another thing that I was thinking about as I was tossing and turning last night was the whole logistics of another person in our bed. Last night I had the cat asleep on my head, Ash wriggling his way in to my big spoon taking half the futon, and Ryota's legs sprawled out over mine. Imagine another little mini human latched on to my tit, impossible!
And finally, the thought of giving birth still sends me into a cold sweat. I literally have sweaty palms thinking about pushing another head out. What was god thinking when he went with the size of heads and vaginas, seriously!?

I honestly think the thought of being pregnant this time was 5 million fucking times scarier than it was the first time too, just because now I know how hard it is, whereas I was blissfully unaware two years ago. So in celebration here is my 'easy way out of blogging list' for today...

The top 5 things that the pregnancy books don't but should tell you...

1) The birth is always worse/more painful/more energy sucking/more fucked up than you could ever imagine. Always!

2) You bleed like a mother fucker for ages after giving birth. Not a slight dribble either, like gushing, flowing blood. (Seriously, just throw the jam tart away)

3) Newborn babies are the most boring, yet time and energy consuming little bleeders ever. They shit and piss and cry and sleep. They remind me of leeches.

4) The sleep deprivation will drive you insane. To the point where you will want to jump off the nearest bridge or under the closest train. You never sleep when the baby does, because that's the time you do every other thing you have to do like tending to bleeding nipples, brushing your teeth for the first time in 3 weeks or taking a shower by yourself.

5) Kids bleed you dry in every respect. Your tits, your wallet, your space, your time. Another human will become totally dependant on you for basically the rest of your life.

So despite, these points, when they grow up a bit, it is all worth it. I don't know if it will be worth it enough to go through it again, but Ryota informed me last night that it was all good if I was actually preggers, he still wants 4 kids. Ha! Of course if it was up to me I'd adopt a few more orphaned kids and be done, but then, as MIL pointed out, they wouldn't be halfuus, and that would be such a waste of my foreign genes...


  1. minge - i can't believe you used that word. Makes me both cringe and laugh at the same time. You're mother in law is right - waste of perfectly good gaijin genes if you just went and adopted a brother and sister from zimbabwe. How incredibly non PC.

    Glad you aren't up the duff though - the school is your baby at the moment.

  2. Glad your not preggo too (thank god!) but I bet your regretting all those Oolong-chas!! :)

    Agree with all the things the preggo books don't tell you - especially number one. But then again, i don't think there are words to describe it actually. "It hurts like fuck" is not really an acceptable medical term I believe...

    You could always adopt a zimbabwean sibling or 3, and tell everyone that they ARE yours. Something about how all gaijins are the same ... That would get the inaka talking :D

    Gonna miss you when Im away, but will continue reading and commenting random things all the same <3

  3. Congrats on not being prego! t
    This calls for another couple of sticks of senko and a glass or three of wine!

  4. You make me not want to have kids. Ever. Lol. I'm scared now.

    Congrats on not being pregnant! lol. I'm sure you felt like doing cartwheels when you got your period. I know I'm grateful in way whenever I get mine every month. Means that I'm just getting 5-6 days of shittyness instead of getting a baby!

  5. Congratulations on not being pregnant - not often you get to say that!
    After all the work you've gone through getting your school up and running, getting pregnant would have been bad timing to say the least. Still time for those other 2 or 3!

  6. Yeah they say you forget all the pain and shit - bullshit! The only good thing about childbirth is that you are able to use for stuff like "I spend 20 hours in labour to birth you and you won't even go to the shop and get me a chocolate paddle pop..." Awesome.

    And #2 no one ever tells you, you're right. Also for weeks every time you try to walk, you feel like all your lady bits are going to splat on the floor.

  7. Congrats on not being pregnant!!!

    But I'm with ローラ, I totally do not want to have a baby now. Now I have to go home and break the news to my husband! I hope you're happy :P

  8. I think you forgot one point that no-one tell you, (well, no-one told me!). After a vaginal birth no-one tells you how...strange/painful/scary/uncomfortable your first poop is. I think mainly scary cos you think your bits are all coming out again. ew..
    Congrats on not being preg..even if you were, I`m sure you could manage the school and kid somehow..be damn hard but possible. :) xx

  9. Congrats on not being pregnant! I love finding out every month that I'm not pregnant. Might sound cruel, but I have no time for that now. later... maybe

  10. Yay for no more little vinegar arrows!!

    Hahaha your little list is going to scare the crap out of all the pregnant readers.

    But you know what... one point I totally agree with you on is the "blissful unawareness" before your first baby is born. It is FUCKING hard work.. and while I know eventually I want another one, it won't be happening until we have enough money for extra help/my mother being nearby.

    On the other hand... I think once kids get to the Elem age it gets really fun.. until puberty hits...

  11. Woo Hoo!!!! I think that calls for another night out on the town!!!!!

  12. I am with GW- the word minge made me laugh and cringe at the same time.

    Congrats on NOT been pregnant. I am used to the idea of #2 now but the sleep deprivation thing is ALREADY worrying me. I am not sure I will be able to handle it....

    For those who haven`t had babies yet- #1 was not true for me. Birth was much BETTER than I expected. Sure it hurt a fuckload but it could of been MUCH worse. The bleeding thing though, and some of the others, yeah, so true.

  13. I agree with sassymoo!! There is a Pure in Tokyo. Just sayin' :)