Introducing Tay-chan!

I feel bad after all the build up and slutty man whore expectations but here is my new baby, Tay-chan!

I finally convinced Ryota to sell his big, unparkable whale of a land-cruiser that chewed up ridiculous amounts of diesel, cost us about 600 bucks extra in 'big-car' tax, and added about 10 years to my life in parking stress.
Our new tiny little car is a million times easier to park and do illegal u-turns which we are both big fans of. I can't actually believe I convinced Ryo-chan to get rid of the old car, he loves big cars, but I think the thought of replacing the old tires at $400 a pop persuaded him to go for a smaller car. And we actually got a decent price for the old whale.

So yeh, Tay-chan isn't all that exciting! Sorry!

Tay-chan

R.I.P. Whaley-chan.

Despite the work-a-thon that Ryota is on right now, we're going to dinner tonight with one of his friends from America, I've never met her and she used to have a crush on Ryota so we'll see how that turns out... You kind of take an instant disliking to someone who wanted to shag your husband...

Yogurt is still being consumed daily but I had Maccas last night and am going to Outback tonight so the diet starts tomorrow. Ha! Think I'll go for a run now so I don't feel quite so guilty when I'm eating a deep-fried onion tonight..

Thank god it's Fri... Oh wait, just a normal day.

Because Ryota has to work Saturday AND Sunday this week in this fucked up workaholic country. Not going to get started on this issue because I get off easy in that he has no drinking parties or salary man type obligations but still pisses me off all the same. He had Tuesday off instead but we were busy making Tay-chan preparations so it so doesn't count.

Magic yogurt is going well but giving me tummy cramps and then shitting through the eye of a needle bouts, but I guess that's the whole point of cleaning out your system, no? I hope I'm not going to give myself a bacteria overload or anything!

I'm going to keep you hanging on revealing Tay-chan today, puppy, turtle and kitten were all good guesses...but wrong ones. I was so busy playing with her, grooming her and riding her last night I forgot to take photos, hence no revealing today. Maybe tomorrow...

Here are this weeks photos, hope everyone who gets a weekend enjoys it!

Beautiful fieldy picture

"Muuuummm, I wanted to play in the washing and now this is stuck on my head!"

He managed to break his play mat.

Awesome weather this day, I think the one and only perfect, clear day Japan will have this year.

Ash and I passed out together, I love we both have slightly pissed off looks on our faces.

Magic yogurt!

I really don't plan on charting how my weight loss is going as I'm scared of everyone seeing my failure, come on people, I gave you my weight, baby steps!

But I must say, I'm a huge fan of fad diets, so I may let you know how it's progress is going (AKA when I give up.) I know I shouldn't fall into the alluring trap of fad dieting because they never work and that a healthy lifestyle is the key to losing weight but I just don't have the patience for balance.

MIL is also a huge fan of fads and quite portly for a J-lady so when she gushed to me about her latest dieting attempt I was pretty much instantly sucked in, especially when she showed me lots of success stories on the Internet. I mean, if it's written on the Internet it must be true...So, as of yesterday, I am officially on...THE MAGIC IINAKA YOGURT DIET!

Grandma is originally from Tottori-ken and her last sibling, her little brother (she was one of 8!) is really sick so they made the trek to Tottori to see him in the hospital and stay with her niece for a few days. When they came back MIL was clutching a jar of what looked like bond in her hot little hands and proceeded to excitedly tell me about her new plan to lose 20kg and look like a supermodel by next year. Everyone else was rolling their eyes but in light of my recent desire to lose the blubber I was all ears.

So this yogurt she got from the country bumpkins is truly magic, it's like a packet of tim tams that never run out... except it's a jar of gross tasting yogurt that never runs out!
I think it's like those 'bio' yogurts or yakult that has the bacteria that's supposed to be good for your tummy and clean out your insides, but on a large iinaka style scale. You put a bit of the yogurt from the jar in a new jar, add milk, wait 12 hours with the lid off and you have new yogurt! Magic!

So we're eating it for breakfast with loads of 0 calorie sugar because it tastes pretty foul by itself and then some before dinner with loads of tea so we don't eat too much for dinner. Keep you updated on the progress anyway!

Tomorrow we will have a new addition to our family, her name is Tay-chan and if anyone can guess who/what she is you get a gold star! Or just wait till tomorrow when I will post pictures...
And if anyone can guess why she is called Tay-chan I'll post you 10,000 yen!

Thank you for all the lovely encouraging comments on my weight loss post, our little monster is keeping me too busy to reply to them all individually but it was very nice to have such positive influence, it makes me want to Ganbaru more!

Weighing it all up

I'd hate to turn into a weight loss blogger, I mean I've already got so many stereotypes covered with 'mummy blogger' and 'person in Japan blogger' but why not go for the hat trick eh!?

Since I can remember, I've had issues with my weight. OK let's cut the shite and tell it how it really is; ever since I've been old enough to scoff tim tams behind the pantry door I've been a lazy, lard-arsed, tub.

And I know people tell you that how big you are shouldn't affect you if you're comfortable with yourself and that being skinny isn't the key to happiness blah.. blah.. blah. Bullshit, for me, being skinni(er than my usual whale-like self) solves most to all of my problems and makes me feel better. Much better. Without sounding too 'pro-ana' or anything, I personally am a much happier camper when I'm not so much of a lard-arse. I actually envy those people who are happy with being overweight.

I think this mentality comes from my dad, he's what we call a 'fatophile,' he judges people if they're fat. He thinks they're lazy, and not as intelligent as other people. Of course easy for him with his super speedy metabolism and all. I don't think that at all, but it may have had some effect on me as a child, I'm banking all these things for when I'm crazy enough for therapy. My mum and sister are also consistent yo-yo dieters too so I was bound to have issues.

Here are a few photos from when I was pretty big, I may have been bigger in Australia but I only have photos from in Japan, I think I'm probably over 100kgs here!

About 2 years ago I decided to actually do something to make my life better and lose a shitload of weight. This was how my days were:

6am- Run/Jog/Walk/Bike for an hour. Big breakfast.

9am-5pm- Work. No lunch.

6pm- 1 hour run.

7pm- Dinner.

8pm- Sit-ups/ weight training/ Some form of resistance training.

10pm- Bed.

I also drank nothing but green tea, oolong tea or water.

This was incredibly boring but it worked, and I got to my happy place, 77kg. It's not thin by any means but it was good for me, I'm tall so 77kg was great for me.
It was great. All going to plan. Losing weight, feeling healthy... Then I got preggers! Which is good too, but basically made me put back on a ton of weight and totally lose my losing mojo.

I gained at least 20kg when preggers, I tried to keep the jogging up but my friends told me I was killing my unborn child with all the jiggling (until they saw the Sex and the city movie and decided if Charlotte could run then so could I). But by that time I was tired all the time and just couldn't be arsed jogging. I did try preggo yoga but it wasn't very strenuous and the doctor told me my I'd done too many kegel exercises while I was giving birth! WTF?!

Anyway, not sure of the final weigh-in figure because thankfully Australian doctors don't weigh you at preggo check-ups unlike my Japanese clinic where they paraded me out to the weighing machine which printed out my weight so I couldn't even fib and knock off a few kilos, bastards! But I know it was close to or over the 100kg mark (despite consistent bollocking from J-Docs).

I lost a bit due to mummy/ Japan stress when I got back and am now at 86kgs.

Phew, that took balls! I'm one of those 'never tell your weight' people but fuck it, if I'm going to get anywhere I need to get it out there!

I'm aiming for my happy place 77kg but really would like to be 70kg, nice round number. 80 is a little too round and 60 is a little too bony, although wouldn't knock it back! So giving it a crack! let's see how I go...

Around the time of my happy place!

EDIT: Ryota saw this post and told me he hates skinny Japanese bony girls and that he loves my squidgy bits. Awwww. He also told me I look a little like a rat in my happy place picture!!! God bless him.
WTF is with all the comment word verification craziness?? I want one that says 'fatcow' when I leave a comment...

Friday Fotos

Remembered this week! My days are back on track since the man is back to the 9-5 slog, more like 6-8 slog but let's not get in to that.

Feeling better getting back into the old routine, boring as it is, I have control over it at least. Been going on some long arse walks this week, 4kms according to my little step measurey jogging thingy. Too bad it's only walking and not jogging but I figure the buckets of sweat and stroller pushing/ grocery carrying count as training of some sort. Still jogging every night too so on track for the November run!

Love this one, was all giggles and tickles with Daddy

Our baby car seat is basically useless now, very much need a new one!

Dead sunflower on the side of the road. Who the hell takes pictures of dead sunflowers??

Obligatory double peace sign on the side of the road.

Our munchkin in his jinbei all ready to watch the fireworks

R-E-S-T-E-C-P

I have a new found respect for Grandma-in-law.

I've never had a problem with her, although sometimes a bit pushy, she's never done anything that's really pissed me off, and you've gotta love an 83 year old Japanese lady who goes bananas for KFC. Funny too, because she's the most old school 'Japanese' out of all my in-laws, and I'm finding that we are similar in many ways. Actually, just one way: everyone around us treats us both like complete idiots with the mental capacity of 2 year olds.

Example, whenever anyone loses something at the in-laws' house, it's blamed on Grandma. Every time. No matter what it is.The other day, MIL lost an envelope containing some important secret city office business, now I had seen her shove the envelope in her bag and tried to put this point across when she was frantically searching for it all over the house, but my small gaijin cries of "Hey, it's in the bag" were inevitably lost in the panic.She instantly went on a Grandma blaming rant and literally said "Obaachan is going senile, she always tries to clean up and forgets where she puts things!" I was slightly horrified at this, considering MIL is 50, has lived with her parents all her life and still doesn't wash any of her own clothes or vacuum.

Grandma, not one to sit down and take shit, started ranting right back at her, saying if she wasn't so fucking messy she wouldn't lose things. At this point SIL and BIL were all behind MIL, backing her up exclaiming, "Yeh, you always put my shit away!" It became clear to Grandma that I was the only one who was even slightly on her side, so she settled for ranting at the gaijin not sure if i was understanding, but added lots of "な" at the end to show she was ranting with me not at me. I did lots of nodding and silent pointing towards the bag but nobody really got that I knew where the envelope was.SIL then joined in the fun by saying she couldn't find her glasses and that Obaachan must have cleaned them and lost them. 5 minutes of chaos later MIL had found the envelope (in the bag I'd been pointing at) and SIL found her glasses (in her own handbag) and while everyone scattered, mumbling that Obaachan usually does put things in the wrong place, I was left with Obaachan while she continued her 'Nobody listens to me anymore' tirade.

Nobody accuses me of being senile, (yet) well, most of the time anyway, but I do get clumped in the same 'don't trust her she'll fuck it up' category that Grandma does because of my apparent complete lack of understanding of anything going on.One example when it came to me was my tax, now I'm a long-termer in Japan and have married a local, unfortunately I actually have to start paying my tax slightly on time. MIL kindly went to the city office for me to sort out how much I owed which was great but what she didn't tell me is that she got them to divide it up into 2000 yen installments which means I'll have to pay interest on it for about 50 fucking years which I didn't want to do.She just didn't feel the need to ask me which way was better to pay it because she thought I mightn't have understood but fuck woman, give the foreign girl a chance! I then went to the city office by myself (well with offspring) and paid it in full like I planned to before.

The biggest defiancy point scorer recently has definitely been Obaachan though, she's such a rebel. Despite all instructions, wait for it... she's been going out of the house! To the supermarket!! ON HER BICYCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shock horror!All the in-laws just called her stupid and said not to call them when she falls off her bike.So Obaachan came over to our house especially, asked where I was then relayed the story of how she went on her bike and got the shopping because she was going crazy staying in the house everyday. She told me with a huge grin on her face because she knew I'd understand and be the only one to understand for that matter. It made me smile because she was so proud of herself in her little going out outfit and sunhat, bless her little cotton socks.

I hope I'm as feisty as her and still tucking into a 3 piece chicken pack when I'm 83, you go girl!

The tooth hurts

You know all those millions of pamphlets they give you when you're pregnant, the ones saying how good it is for your baby to breastfeed him? How close you'll feel to him, how it's the best possible thing to do for your baby? The ones with the pictures of cute, calm babies, gazing into their beautiful, perfectly made-up mother's eyes while suckling at the breast? You know the ones right??

Not once in those bullshit pamphlets does it mention the searing pain of a new formed, fresh-out-of-the-gum tooth noshing into your nipple. Bloody load of shite pamphlet.
I'm seriously finding myself getting sweaty palms and nervous tummy every booby time. And the little bastard giggles every time he has a chomp and I yank my boob away crying and rocking and clutch it while the pain dies down.
Of course, the husband saying まぁ赤ちゃんしょうがないね、(which roughly translates as "Can't be helped love, now suck it up, shut your trap and get your tits out for the boy!" )doesn't help much, and the gaggle of in-laws wanting to see him and his 'cute' biting techniques isn't exactly making it any easier either. maybe I should pop him on one of their nipples and let him have a chew, see if they think it's cute then.

Obon is still dragging on, I was going crazy with a messy house this morning so sent Ryota off to the in-laws with bitey boy and told him not to come back until I had cleaned the whole house. Got interrupted twice with Ashton doing two humongous shits that Ryota was incapable of dealing with, apparently piss nappies are fine but mummy has to deal with the shitty ones, where the fuck did that rule come from?? He was so pathetic when he asked me I couldn't say no though, this is how it went:

Him: (timidly poking head in door) Corinne, Ashton did another huge poo... What should I do??
Me: (turning off the vacuum cleaner and turning Britney down) What do you mean 'what should I do'??? Deal with it!
Him: But it's really big, I think you should check, I don't know what to do...
Me: (Many expletives)

I asked him what he would do if I died or got sick but that was a stupid question, like a lot of Japanese men, he would palm him off to the in-laws. Silly me.

Ryota goes back to work tomorrow which will be nice to get the routine back, but then it has been nice to have him around more, and Ashton is so much happier with people other than me to stimulate his little brain.

OK, must go running or I never will!

Ballsed up week.

Also known as Obon in Japan-land.

This week has been a blur of BBQs, shopping centre trips, goooooooooddddd weather (finally!) and many other things which have at the same time been annoying and enjoyable. Man I have no friggin idea what day it is.

If I was thinking of having another baby I sure got a good preview this week, I swear to god Japanese men resemble toddlers in so many ways. When I used to work eikaiwa and the old biddies would complain that their husbands were going to retire and that they didn't want them in the house, I thought they were mad. But now I have a husband in my usually well kept house messing up schedules and leaving 50 fucking million coffee cups around the place, I get it. I so get it. God I want to find those women and bitch with them.

No major blow-outs though, quite 'rabu- rabu' actually. Few things such as coffee cups are pissing me off but I'm learning to breathe through the pissed off stage and remember that it's really not that big of a deal. And it's been great for Ryota to actually see how much work Ashton is, I don't think he'll be coming home from work as much asking me "So, what did you do today, sleep?" Because he knows that our little monster would never let us sleep in the day anymore.

Had some BBQ action at turtle's house the other day, that was fun. Then went to a restaurant with a view of the local fireworks last night and got a bit sloshed, although this summer holiday still has too much shitty nappies and not enough beer for my liking.

Once again forgot foto Friday so here are some snaps from the last few days to make up for it.

Would write more but you know, got fucking coffee cups to collect. Hope everyone in Japan is enjoying Obon, for those of you not in Japan, sucks to not have Obon eh.

Very summery

Our little monster

The turtle crew after eating and drinking too much

Two big bald heads together

Marathon training has begun! 100 days to go and pink running accessories in full force!

Bloody stubborn men!!!!

Correction. One man. The man I live with. The man I am supposedly going to stay married to for the rest of my life. Ha!

It's not that bad, my usual drama queen instincts are taking over but man I was pissed this morning. This is what happened; I'm sick of making bento, I think it's stupid in this ridiculous heat and becoming very tedious for me so I thought a sandwich might be a nice change. Discussed this with cock smoker (AKA Ryota) and he agreed, he's a sandwich kinda guy, it was all good.

So last night when I was just falling into dreamland, Ash was snoring, cock smoker was snoring, I was on my way to snoring, the thought struck me that we have no cooler bags at our house and the sandwiches would go all sloppy if I didn't use one. So the good loving wifey that I am, I trotted over to the in-laws house in my jammies and got a cooler bag, put bottles of water in the freezer to use as cooler bag blocks and then went back to bed. Cock smoker was none the wiser mind you.

Fast-forward to this morning, I stumbled out of bed and bleary-eyed, made my little sandwiches. As I was about to pop them in the cooler bag cock smoker strolls over, throws his plates in the sink FOR ME TO WASH (as always) and said "I'm not taking that, it's too big."
I instantly started slamming things around at that point and when I asked why, he said that everyone would laugh at him for having a big cooler bag.

What are we, like fucking 12 years old now?? They would all more likely be jealous that he had cool fresh sandwiches rather than a box of melting Japanese crap! I put this point across but it was going nowhere. It ended with me leaving them and telling him to do what ever the fuck he wanted.

This is where Ryota and I differ the most I think, he is very worried about what other people think, where as I really don't give a fuck.
Another example, when Ash was born, Ryota claimed he wanted to do all the clothes shopping for him because I would put him in cheap clothes. Of course I will, he's inside the house and spitting/pissing/shitting/vomiting on his clothes at hourly intervals! It was a different story when it came to the crunch though and Ryota learned the hard way that cute clothes are the hardest to get get on and off, not to mention ridiculously overpriced.

Ryota has 5 days off starting tomorrow so we'll either have a great holiday or we'll kill each other, either way never boring!

EDIT: OK, feel bad now, just got a very sweet apology mail complete with cute bad English. My cock smoker's not so bad really.

Strange encounters of the random talker kind.

I'm going to say that the number of weird people randomly talking to me has been cut by about 80% since I had a stroller surgically attached to my hands.

Before babydom hit me I regularly would have Japanese people coming and talking to me for a variety of things, and hey, I'm friendly, I didn't really mind. Well, usually anyway. Here are a few experiences I've had with random talkers:

* The English whores- Correction, I'm the English whore, they're the customer sucking as much free English out of me as possible. Some people get really annoyed with the English suckers, but to be honest I didn't mind them that much. By far the most common random talkers.

* The travellers- These are the ones who may or may not speak English but love travelling and want to know where you are from then tell you how much they enjoyed Cairns when they went to Australia.

* The stalkers- The ones who want to keep talking (and following you) , even when the train ride is over.

* The pissheads- Usually drunk salary men who want to slobber all over you and clink glasses 50 zillion times.

* The nervous nellies- Usually beginners studying English who are still apprehensive about the whole foreigner deal, they are often quite funny though, the best was a guy I encountered in an elevator at the gym once, the covo went like this

Him: (Looking at me nervously obviously wanting to talk)
Me: (Accepting this and taking my earphones out to give the poor bugger the chance)
Him: Errr, ummmm, eeeettttoooo.... WHAT ARE YOU!?
Me: Human? Do you mean, 'Where are you from?'
Him: (With very red face) Yes! YES! WHERE ARE YOU???!!!

*The sickos- OK, this is the show stopper. And keep in mind this didn't happen to a friend of a friend of mine, this happened to me, straight from the horse's mouth people!
OK, Came home one night to my 3rd floor apartment, the 1st floor is a snack bar so drunk men in loveless marriages stumbling out at all hours wasn't uncommon. But this was about 9pm, on a school night.
So I walk in the entrance and he stumbles out and calls out "Hey, gaijin-san!" I was sooooo not in the mood for talking so said good evening and kept walking, but he persisted, saying something like he wanted to learn English. I just kept going fobbing him off and by this time was half-way up the first flight of stairs.
Now let's also remember I was wasn't in my sexy french maid's uniform or anything remotely skanky hoe like, it was a boring black suit, straight from work. Anyway, I turn around and the dirty little man had his cock out and was wanking!!!!
Ewwww times a million!!! I was so disgusted I started running up the stairs but in the panic lost my shoe. Now I know it's only a shoe, but they were my favourite work shoes that cost about $150, I didn't want to risk the shiny leather getting jizzed all over and me having to retrieve it in the morning. So I rescued the shoe which brought me closer to wanky boy.
He was really going for it by that point and as I started to flee up the stairs again he was like, "Wait! Wait! I'm close I'm close!!" Times that other Ewww by another million by the way.
I got inside my apartment quicker than I ever had before (lucky I'd lost my key and just flung the door open) and slammed it shut but he was still out there.
Long, horrible peep hole story short, he came all over my door. Now there's a doosey for you, now you too can tell your friends that your friend had a dirty Japanese perve jizz all over her door.

But that was before.

I am no longer the young, single foreign girl who more than likely didn't speak a word of Japanese. I am now the mother who probably speaks Japanese becasue she's obviously married to a Japanese bloke and popped out his kid.

Now the random talkers have been cut by 80% but the baby fawning obachans have increased 300%. I cannot go anywhere without someone giving Ash a "Kaaawwwaaaaiiiii!!!!!!" and fat roll pinch. Not that I care, although I am a little worried his first word won't be "Mummy" or "Daddy" but "Kaaaaawwwwwwwaaaaaiiiii!!!"

The reason I was thinknig about all this though, I got a random talker on Saturday. Well, random, but he's heard about me through the hood gossip grapevine. He's an old sweaty fat dude on a bike, Ryota thinks he's a pedophile though, he used to go and watch the kids play soccer (he has no kids). He passed me with a long stare but I'm kind of used to that by now. He did a U-turn and walked with me for a good 10 minutes, this is how it went: (All in Japanese)

Sweaty bike dude- Play guitar! Play guitar! (Making wild air guitar gesture)
Me- .......
S.B.D- Your husband plays guitar and went to America!
Me- Ahhh, yes, he does, he did...
S.B.D- I live near a petrol station, the petrol is very cheap, no really!
Me- Oh, really.
S.B.D- I've heard about you from other people and I I've seen you before but I wasn't sure if it was you.
Me- Oh, really.
S.B.D- I had an accident.
Me- Oh, really....

His random ramblings went on for a while longer until we got to the point where I had to go down a very steep hill and I think he knew he wouldn't be able to drag his sweaty arse back up it so he did another U-turn and was back on his way. I couldn't tell him to bugger off becasue he vaguely knew us but I just had no idea what to say. I'm guessing the accident comment explained his bizarreness a bit.

It had been a while since a random though, kind of enjoyed the weirdness.

I have a collection of weird English/ bizarre Japanese T-shirts, got this one the other day, and I think it's quite fitting, now if only Japanese people could read, understand and follow the directions....

Six Summery Saturday snaps AKA I forgot foto Friday...

I can't believe I forgot good ol' foto Friday!

Not much been going on this week, still getting through the flu epidemic that is sweeping our little neighbourhood. Obaachan is on the mend, well she must be because she was out sorting through the rubbish like a homeless trooper this morning. MIL and SIL are also better but we're being safe and keeping well away for a while. It's actually been good to do things totally on my own this week, nice to know I don't actually need them to look after Ash. One gold mother star for me.

SIL must be feeling much better because she went to fireworks last night with her 'friend' who I strongly suspect is her lesbian lover. Was a little pissed I didn't get an invite but then again she probably wanted some alone date time without her gaijin nechan in the way.

OK, on to the snaps, we've been to two festivals this week, one was a very local, little school event, the other was a biggen at the army base next to our house. Cos where better to celebrate summer than among the guns, tanks and soldiers all ready to fight North Korea at the next missile...

Have I mentioned we live next to the army base before I can't remember?? It has perks, I have a thing for muscly men in uniform, train drivers, don't get me started. Although the 6am wake up calls of adrenalin pumped soldiers running around the base with guns, screaming "WE ARE STRONG!!! YES WE ARE!!!" (and that's literally what they do) is not so nice. I also feel the need to salute the man at the gate when I run past him everyday but Ryota said I might be shot on the spot so I've restrained myself so far....

May all your summer festivals be beer and goldfish filled!

A lantern with the moon in the background

Ashton was suitably unimpressed by the events

But I was definitely impressed with the beer! And pissed after two because the freakin line for yakisoba was so long we said "fuck it we'll eat when we get home." Biiiiiggggggg mistake, mummy was swaying all over the place!

Self-shots are so much harder when the camera weighs a bloody ton.

Boogie on Obachans! Does anyone else think the music at Japanese festivals sounds like the music in Indian restaurants???

My recent summer snacks. Water. And watermelon. Hmmmm watery...

Biffs revisited

I'm watching 'pretty woman', ahhh love that movie. Also love Richard Gere, although seeing him on Japanese TV recently shouting "hachi!!!" in a very gaijin accent hasn't done much for me.

Still incredibly busy this week with all my helpers out with the flu. BIL is on the mend, SIL and MIL still pretty bad and Baachan went to the docs today and has Type A flu, which isn't quite as bad?? I think that's what Ryota has too because he gets a bit of a fever in the day and is coughing a fair bit but apart from that he's fine.
I've also been cooking and shopping for the in-laws which according to them is totally unnecessary but I know they appreciate it and they were so good to me when I had strep throat, it's only fair I repay the favour, good little gaijin daughter-in-law I am! Excuse me while I polish my halo.

I'm hoping the recent bickering in our house is just due to sickness and stress, I can be quite difficult to live with, but I'm, ahem, sure it's totally not me... Well maybe just a bit. The fact that I haven't been running in a week is driving me nuts, feel very fat and bloated and...old. I seriously took a good look in the mirror this morning and I look freakin' old. Ryota didn't help by telling me I had black circles under my eyes last night. Of course I have fucking black circles, I never sleep through anymore, Ash's teeth wake me up at least 3 times a night recently. *sigh*

I swear I've gained new wrinkles since Ashton was born, hellllooooo twenty-fucking-five years old and I have cunting wrinkles!!!
*Ohhhh I'm at the shopping bit in Pretty woman, those snooty bitches!*
But yeh, seriously, the 8 grand we got in baby bonuses will all be blown on anti-ageing creams the way I'm going! I've decided I'm going to make an effort to be like a Japanese mummy next week, house totally organised, bento perfectly prepared and cooled on time and make-up and proper effort put in to outfit to go to the supermarket... yeh right, like that's going to happen! I don't know how they do it.

I've realised since having a baby I spend so much less time looking in the mirror, I'm quite looks/fashion conscious usually and when I was working I'd spend say 20 minutes looking in the mirror, cos I luurrrvvvveee myself sooooo much, and I didn't want to go to work looking like a total derro. But lately it's throw on any clothes that don't stink of baby vomit, make-up; hah! that's a laugh! hair; back, possibly with highlights of baby spit. I really need to start looking after myself a bit more, I love putting make-up on and getting all dolled up but lately, there has just been 0 motivation! Ganbaru.

Look at the rabbiting on already, OK, back to the tension waves of late. Tension waves is what we used to say at home in Aussie, if someone in our house was fighting we would use a little waving signal to each other so we knew to tread lightly. It's been more like a tension tsunami this week, let me see if i can remember...

Tension wave #1~ Hello work in-law battle where Ryota told me if I wasn't paid not to complain to him. Won that battle bitches!

Tension wave #2~ Ryota was still hungry after dinner one night, which pisses me off in itself, he likes to knit pick about dinner every fucking night and it drives me nuts!!! I thought it was my shitty cooking until Ryota's best friend (who he lived with for a year in Australia) and I had a bitch session about his pickiness and bad habits such as not cleaning the toilet, leaving beard hairs in the sink, throwing clothes on the floor etc. It made me feel so much better that it wasn't just me!
Anyway, Ryochan was hungry after dinner and I was still eating so he went and made snack pan for himself then bitched that he was sick and still had to 'cook.' He's so fucking impatient, he couldn't just wait the 10 minutes until I'd finished my dinner.

Tension wave #3~ Kakigori syrup spilled on the floor which apparently was all my fault! WTF??

Tension wave #4~ Ryota gets hot in the middle of the night when the air-con timer goes off. I hate having air-con on all night cos it makes my throat all dry and Ash kicks his blankies off and gets cold. Ryota wakes up hot and gets all huffy at me.

Tension wave #5~ Doesn't involve me thank fuck! BIL got the flu first so Ryota WENT OFF at him for being a stupid little punk who gave everyone the flu. I'd never heard him use such language and it was in Japanese and really fast but from what I could gather went something like-

Ryota: You stupid little cunt, you've made everyone fucking sick!
Junpei: It wasn't my fault!
Ryota: Yes it is, you sleep all fucking day and then go to skanky clubs with infected, dirty people all sharing cups and shit. Get a job you lazy little bastard!!!
Junpei: .........

I have to agree with Ryochan on this one, BIL is 22 and has never studied, never had a real job. His Dad just shelled out about a grand for him to go to school for caring for old/ disabled people but as I expected he gave up mid-way because it was too hard. I shouldn't really care but grandma is still washing his clothes and Ryota and I spent our Sunday last weekend trimming the trees around the house that Junpei is more than capable of doing, he really needs to start living like a normal person rather than a 4 year old.

I think there were more tension waves but I just can't remember them, Ryochan and I are all good, bickering stresses me out but I'm feeling good today despite the 20 or so times Ash woke up last night. Friday tomorrow, going to do an alone (well, with Ash) shopping mission by car tomorrow I think, going stir crazy in the house.

Rant, Oink, Rant, Fucking-Oink!

I must say, this post will not have nearly as much effect as it would have last night, was much more fired up then! Let's see if I can re-create that blood boiling anger...

So all my in-laws have swine flu.
No other way to say it. Is it normal to be embarrassed about having swine flu?? Like dirty pig blood has infected their veins?? haha, I'm not quite so worried but Obaachan warned us all to keep our voices down when talking about it, she didn't want the whole neighbourhood knowing we were infected, I mean god, the oldest son married a gaijin, hasn't enough shame been brought on the family?!

It all started Saturday night when BIL started moaning about having a fever. Of course everyone ignored him and told him to man up, but by Sunday morning he had a raging fever and was coughing all over the place so Ryota being a good big brother took him to the docs. When Ryota came home he went into panic mode (as he tends to do) and just started furiously washing his hands and shouting "SALT WATER!" at me. Of course this sent me into a panic and I yelled at him to tell me what was going on. After much hand and throat cleaning he finally spluttered out that his brother had tested positive for the new strain of flu (which was the swine flu right, they just renamed it??) They were put into isolation at the hospital and had to register as 'infected' with the prefecture. By that night his mum and sister both had the chills and fever so it was becoming clear that they too were infected. Ryota had a sore throat last night but no real fever so we're hoping he's clear. He's at work today, becasue god forbid someone would take a day off for being sick in this bloody country. Ooooo it's starting, almost said fucking country, leave those for later...

So with Ryochan sick it's just Grandma, Ash and I who are still genki, and thank god, because if I get it, Ashton is more than likely to get it seeing as though he's still pretty much surviving off of my body fluids. Eww. Magic breast milk may just get him through it though. And I'm glad Grandma doesn't have it because even though she's genki for 82, I'm sure of a strain of swine flu wouldn't do her any good.
So with all the sickness and worry about sickness, our households are a little, tense, shall we say. I'm feeling the pressure as the only one who can touch Ashton. That means no running, no escaping, even showering is a struggle and at the moment he has one little tooth poking through with it's next door neighbour to follow so makes for one cranky baby.

So leading up to the rantiness of the post, I have to say we're all on edge, which led to the blow up last night.
As I think I mentioned before I'm getting unemployment payments and have to go to the hello work office once a month for about 10 minutes. 10 minute, 150,000 yen, meh I can handle that! Someone usually drives me and holds Ash or I scooter it and Ash stays with MIL while I go in, but when I was due to go in this morning with everyone in bed I just decided to walk with Ash in the stroller. As soon as I said this there was a flurry of phone calls from the in-law's house saying I couldn't do this becasue they wouldn't pay me if Ash was with me.

OK, for a start, I told the unemployment office I had a baby when i signed up, they know. It's not a secret. Second, MIL has brought Ash in with her when we've gone to the office before, they've seen him and me together, secret's out. But Ryota said that it didn't matter, if they saw me alone with a baby they wouldn't pay me because I can't work with a baby... When I asked what single mothers do he said they won't pay them. He also said if I went in there with pink hair and full of piercings they also wouldn't pay me because I wouldn't be able to work like that... What kind of a fucked up age are we living in. I suspected the in-laws were over-reacting and I gave them this answer to all their protests:

If they refused to pay me because I had a baby with me I would either:
A) Go off my nut then just lie and say the baby was my friend's bub that I was watching.
B) Go off my nut for at least an hour, storm out and then make the money by whoring myself out with English or any other whoring means necessary.
And I vowed that if they refused to pay me, we would definitely be leaving Japan for Australia within the month, and never coming back. Ever.

I honestly think this was a gross over-reaction on the part of my in-laws but the fact that it was even an issue for them shows just how bad this country is when it comes to discrimination. I'm spoiled, Australia has a very good welfare system, well, good if you don't want to work, but I do think they give too many hand-outs in Australia. Just can't please people like me!

But seriously, homeless people in Australia scare the shit out of me because they are usually junkies who will roll you for their next hit. Of course the homeless are friendly here, they just genuinely have nowhere to go and no money because there is no welfare system to help them. If Ryota died or left me I would be royally fucked and pretty much would have to go home.

Anyway, that was last night and I toddled off for my 40 minute walk in the 400 degree heat and they gave me my money and even played with Ashton while I filled out some stuff, as expected, it didn't matter that I had a bub with me. Ryota kept calling to make sure I was OK on my own and when I told him it was all good he apologised and admitted he forgets I can actually do things by myself. They seriously forget I lived here for almost 4 years by myself before I met Ryota.

Yup definitely not half as angry as last night, imagine the above post but insert a few 'cunts' many 'bastards' and lots of 'fuckings' and that's how it would have been. There were some more biffs but I'll save that for another post, Ashton is screaming the place down.

How to turn 3 very clucky women into 'I'm never having children' women.

Just give them my son for the day.

Ashton seemed to have used up all his good outside manners last weekend and was a right little shit on Saturday when we went for our ice cream mission. He wouldn't stay in the stroller, squirmed like a worm when held and was generally squealing like a little bitch the whole day. Although I'm cutting him some slack because he did cut his first tooth yesterday and despite the Japanese philosophy that it's just "itchy," cutting a big hole in your gum can't be fun. Well done little man, got him some chompers, well one anyway. That's going to be a joy, when the biting of the nipples starts...

It was good to catch up with my girlfriends though and they were all happy to cuddle/wrestle with him when they saw the veins in my temple about to pop. I'll give you the low down on my girlfriends:

A- is 38 and I'm sure very much wants to get married and have babies ASAP. She dated one of my good gaijin mates for about 3 years and then he cheated on her and left her. I think she thought he was the one and it really shook her. She then dated another one of my gaijin friends but it didn't work out. Somewhat of a gaijin hunter but has given up on the gaijin men and now seeks rich salary man who wants kids. Hmmm, good luck with that one. Her only chance is probably a divorcee although we want to set her up with Ryota's unmarried 40 year old cousin. (He's bald and that apparently eliminates his chances of finding a wife.)

R- Is 33-ish(?) and was also in a long term relationship with a gaijin guy who I always thought was a bit of a wanker but can now openly slag off as they had a messy break up quite recently. She was married to a Japanese guy but they divorced. Is now dating an American guy who I thought was gay but apparently, is not.

Y- Is 32 and in a relationship with a gaijin guy who has definitely cheated in the past and may be now, I don't know. Overall pretty nice guy though. Y desperately wants to be a housewife and resents being made to work by her slightly cheap boyfriend.

They all want kids and marriage, I feel slightly guilty that everything they wanted fell into my lap when I didn't particularly want it, but that's the way it goes I guess. I hope they all get what they want soon, I really don't know why they bother with gaijin men though, the 'gentleman' myth is just that, a huge myth. If you call, irresponsible, drunk sweaty white guy gentlemanly then knock yourself out. haha, how narrow minded of me, Ryota is rubbing off! But seriously, most of the gaijin friends I have here just aren't in it for the long-term. They want a bit of Japanese tail and a lot of Japanese partying and then they want to go home to start their 'real' lives.

So here are some snaps of the day.

"I can give him back at the end of the day, right?"

Hmmmm Ice-creamy goodness. *drool*

I should be an ice cream commercial photographer!

I replaced baby with ice cream, great swap.

"Who the #%&! are you lady, and more importantly, do you have whip-out boobies??"

Of course he slept like an angel in the car.

My bitches.

It's all fun and games until the baby wakes up...

Our tomatoes! They were described by the neighbourhood Obachans as 'cute...' I took that opportunity to shower them with tomatoes cos they're tough as hell and I'm not into little red rocks in my salad. Hope they didn't crack anyone's falsies!